Wednesday, April 29, 2009

home ... and the realization that life isn't much different than it was when i left.

i'm home.

i imagined myself barging through the door ... arms opened wide ... my children would run into them, enveloped in the magnitude of love that i've felt for them while i was away (pretending to be an expert ... and watching other experts and realizing that i'm not) ...

my children would hug me and kiss me and tell me how much they missed me and not let go of me for the rest of the night ...

and i would swallow it all in. relishing every single second. never wanting to leave again. realizing that this is where i am the expert. i keep the house running. i make sure that stripes and polka dots don't go together. i am the one that can put in the professionally accomplished pigtails. i am the only one that can do this mothering thing.

but even without my presence for a few days ... it's apparent that life proceeded.

the house was still standing.

my skye-dog came running from the backyard to acknowledge my homecoming. her and i dragged my heavily weighted bags into the front door. and looked around. it was still my house. picked up. no different from the moment i walked out the door on sunday.

we walked back outside. i yelled their names into the chilly evening air. (imagine if you will a streetcar named desire inspired "steeeelllaaa"). no answer. no screams of delight. no response.

no messy haired, disheveled children running up to mama pleading for me to stay home forever.

skye-dog and i wandered into the backyard and the girls were playing on the swingset.
they smiled and cora smiled ... "mommy home!" she said. and then went back to swinging. her loosely fastened blonde pigtails whispering in the wind. stella was a bit more standoffish. an emotion i'm just not used to seeing in her. quietly showing me her newly acquired skill ... the ability to pump whilst swinging. "i don't need to be pushed anymore mama!" she told me.

and they were coordinated ... not necessarily each other ... but their outfits ... matched.

it was the way i had left it. more like a single work day's absence, and not three.

i had a secret little wish that everyone would miss me terribly and realize how important the little things that i do daytoday are ...

i wanted my husband to struggle just a little ... to have a renewed appreciation for what i do when he is gone ...

i wanted to not like getting away ... to stay where i am ... because it's easier on everyone ...

most of all i wanted to come home refreshed ... and i did. not with all the hoopla and relief that i had envisioned ...

but still ... i'm home.


3 Peas in a Pod said...

Welcome back Jen! I read your last post but didn't get a chance to comment. (You remember my 3 kids, right? Need I say more!)

I'm sure your hubby struggled...but you didn't get to see it. They struggle in a different way than we do anyway. Kids are funny. You know they missed you terribly but they were busily having fun on the swings when Mom came home. Priorities ya know?

Glad you had fun and recharged your batteries.

Much love from NJ,

Pamela said...

They missed you more than you'll ever know.

Travis Erwin said...

It's always good to be home.

krista said...

hi jen!
it's great to find you and i'm excited to read more of you. (and your photo blog is b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l)

the fact that your house was still standing is a good thing, considering the alternative :-)

although, believe me, i understand the feelings.
only too well.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I'm hoping that Sprite will have the same reaction when I go to Chicago. This will show that she and John can get along just fine without me for a few days. (The other half of me wants her to be clawing her way out of Daddy's arms to run to her mommy saying how much she missed me. Although I don't think she knows the word "miss" yet..)

Casey said...

I'm always torn between wanting to be able to get away and have things run smoothly without me and wanting them to fall apart just a little bit so I can come home and play hero. Who am I kidding, when do I get to get away from my kids?

Keely said...

Welcome home! Appearances can be deceiving. They missed you.