Friday, September 30, 2011

fall mini sessions at jennifer liv photography

just in case you are local and interested in having family portraits in the near future! 

please email me if you are interested ...

i would love to help your family capture some wonderful fall memories!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

on this day. this is who you are.

 you are my heart little finners.
it amazes me and gets away from me ... obviously (i'm a bit late on this post) ... how old you are getting.  you. are. my. baby.  you are supposed to stay that way forever and ever and a day ... and you aren't. 
you are.
but you aren't.

and it kills me just a little bit on the inside because i can't stop time.  i can't make you stop and stay where you are and then i feel guilty for wishing that i could. 

what i can do, though?
is ...  i can write.
i can hold this exact moment on our page of history and i can tell everyone who you are ... but i can also flip back to this moment someday down the road when you are really big and grown and you ask me for the car keys and you know how to actually put them into the ignition and then you know how to start the car and then you drive away.

on that day ... i will pull this memory out and i will sob and remember who you were.

this?  is who you are ... today.
you are 1 1/2 years old ... and then some.
you have twinkles of trouble in your bright blue eyes.
you love your family.

your sisters are your lifelines.  without them you would crumble.  you want to be with them always.
you are a mama's boy. 
i'm not sure if that has to do with the fact that you still nurse.  um.  all the time.  and you have just begun to slide yourself off my lap saying all done ... and run off to join the girly-girls.
you are a daddy's boy.
you are enamored with anything and everything that he is doing.  you want to be a part of all of it.
and oh-my-god ... he pushes you too high on the swings. 
but you never want mama to push you.

you climb.
boxes and beds.  stairs and ladders. 
and you're fast.  super fast.

you love to put on everyone's shoes.  pink.  slippers.  ANYTHING.  and you trot around in them as best you can.

you color.  you always start on paper ... and then move to the table. and then chair.  and then hopefully i catch you before you make it to the walls.  or floor. 
you are also amazingly specific about what you are drawing.  what looks like scribbles across a page to me ... is a dog.  or a kitty.  or a tree.  to you.  i should really get better at guessing.

you count ... everything.
wah.  tu.  fee.  foh.  fai. and on and on and on.
sometimes you get to 5.  and go to 8.  and then back to 7.  and then 8.
sometimes you get all the way to 13.  or 14.
i think you forget that you are ONLY one.

oh. wheels.
you are in love with anything with wheels ...
bus?  beep beep.
truck?  ("tuk") honk honk.
train?  ("choochoo") i'm not quite sure how you make the exact sound of a train.  but you do.
tractors?  ("TAHCTOHS!!!!!!") yes.  they are really talked about with THAT much enthusiasm.
boat?  no wheels.  but transportation ... so it still counts.
firetruck?  ("weeooo weeooo")
motorcycle? ("cyco")
bike?  ("bite??  bite??")
helicopter?  ("coptoh")
airplane?  ("pane")

i wish i could remember your first words ... but similar to your sisters ... as soon as the words spilled ...they tumbled and there was virtually no distinguishing first words from lists of words.  they were just there.

you throw with either hand.
you love to swing and slide.
you say peez.  and tah-too.
you hit your head against the floor.  ground.  wall.  if you are frustrated.  (thankfully this is quickly disappearing as your vocabulary is quickly growing).

you seem to be allergic to red dye #40.  though that is strictly a guess at this point. 
you have spent the past week in multiple stages of hives spread across your body.
you got hives.
so we gave you benedryl (recommended by a dr.).
and you worsened.
and then i realized that benedryl has red dye #40 in it.  poor guy.

you love elmo.
and dora.
and george.

you love to read books.  in your chair.  in your room
or with someone.
as long as they are about trucks.  or tractors. 

you love spending time with your people.  boppa.  and grandpa.  grandma kristi and grandma jeanna.  you love all of them with your whole heart.  and you will gladly leave mama or daddy to go to them.  unless you want to nurse.  then no one is better than mama.
though you do think it's really funny to request num nums from anyone. 

i'm realizing very quickly that you are just about to turn two.
and the girly-girls were weaned at two.
and i just am not sure that i can do that again.  i failed miserably at weaning cora.  expecting her to do the same as her big sis.  when i really should have stopped and realized that they are two VERY different peoples.  and that you are too.
so i think we'll probably just take it ... at our own pace.  k?
though i would really appreciate sleeping approximately 6 hours in a row sometime in the very near future, ok?

i love you little finnamon.
we all do.
you are a superb addition to this little family of ours. 
we never knew you ... never dreamed of you ... never thought in a million years that there would be a boy in our lives.
and then you were there.  here.
and we wouldn't change it for the world.
our little blue caboose.

Monday, September 26, 2011

favorite summer face.

seriously.  not sure that i can possibly pick a most absolutely favorite ... but this comes close.  this boy. 

my heart is had.

this summer was amazing watching him grow up into this little man with thoughts and ideas and likes and dislikes and all that jazz.

he's most definitely a boy (with a twinkle of trouble in his eye) and the sweetest heart you ever did meet.

and is currently covered in a bajillion hives.  so, that's fun.

i surely love you finners.

head on over to i heart faces to see more summer favorites ... it's people's choice this week! 

Monday, September 19, 2011

sun. shine.

there's this to do and that to do.

and i sit here.  gazing at this photo.  because it's my sunshine.  in action.  totally and completely being her. 
and she's not here.

gah.  it's taking some getting used to ... this whole kid in preschool thing.  with another in elementary school.  and another that occasionally blesses his mama with a nap for a few hours in the afternoon.

and i feel so lucky to get to experience this while working part time. 

i feel like a mom.

isn't that weird?  i haven't totally wrapped my brain around that ... it's me.  i'm well aware of that ... i know that my heart rests outside of my body in these three beautiful children and i love them so amazingly.  but ... i'm a mom.  i have to get people dressed and out the door.  i have to look out for them and take care of them and i can't just abandon ship and run free.

nor would i want to.

though i still dream of a weekend eating pizza alone while watching a chick flick in a bed. 

blah blah blah.

my girl.

allowing me (last fall ... i can't believe this was last fall already) to practice sunflare.  and she tipped and the sun shone through her arm while she made the silliest face.


 if you are lucky enough to KNOW her ... you know that this is her.  SO. HER.

check out i heart faces for more a touch of sun entries this week.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

everyday beauty.

trying to find the beauty in the everyday ...

in between the teeny leftover pile of macaroni and cheese ... a half eaten cucumber ... a plastic kids fork and the can of coke that i treated myself to (after having given up soda for a good two weeks, now.)

thinking about things and how they change things and leave me uncertain ...

thinking about the copier room i was in 10 years ago watching a tiny black and white screen while awful things happened ... thankful that jeremy wasn't flying that day and that i knew exactly where he was. 

i felt really uncertain that day too.


there it is ... the beauty in the everyday bouquet of flowers from my mom and the girly girls.  stella had no idea how much i love irises.  my mom told her to grab a sunflower for me.

beauty.  in between the mac and cheese and the uncertainty.

Monday, September 5, 2011

rolling on.

and just like that ...

fall rolls in.
quicker than i can stand up anymore after being knocked down by a bout of depressive sad thoughts (that aren't true depression but feel like it sometimes) ... the autumn rolls itself back in to my life.

and with it?
my mood lightens. 

i need this change of season in my life.  i need the wind and the cool temperatures and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet just as much as i needed the sand between my toes and the flowers budding on the trees ... and hell ... i even kinda sorta needed that first scarf wrapped around my neck and that first snowfall and that first breath of air cold enough to make me gasp.

i feel the heaviness of the season upon me just as i'm about to lose it ... just as i'm about to watch something change and become something new and it throws me down on the ground and stomps on me a little bit.  and then i feel crappy and bad and sad and introspective.  and then just as i'm realizing that this is too much ... and my fingers tappity tap the feelings out of my body ...

then the change generally happens.

night falls.  the morning sun rises.  and i am given a glimpse of what is coming. 

the past two days ... that glimpse has been warm coffee cup.  a sweater or sweatshirt.  the pull to the colors orange and red and brown and mustard.  the scanning of the recipe book for soups and stews.  sliding my hand across flannel sheets in the closet and unrolling my pants from capris to jeans once again.  i want to drink apple cider and pull apples from a tree.  i want to find my mom's antique school desk and take pictures of stella and cora in their new school digs.  i want to layer sweaters and find a way to make myself look pretty in scarves.

and now?
i'm off to step outside into that cool burst of air.  and breathe it all in. 

rolling on.

self portraits are hard, yo.
but it's been a skill i'm trying to get better at ... because i'm going to succeed at putting myself in front of the camera so that my kids can see me someday.