a rut.

i'm in a rut.
and apparently ... when you google search that phrase, you realize that everyone else is too. at one time or another.

so ... i don't have much to say.

and that could swing the blogging pendulum to good or bad. it's up to you to decide if you want to read along and see what comes of this mindless wandering of words flowing from my hands.

and with that said ... i'm just gonna type and press publish post. no editing. no thinking. just thoughts. and potentially, bullet points. and i may go back and add color or size increases to the words that are singing to me, like usual ... anyways, we'll see what happens ...

i've never been one to overly think and analyze my life and where i am. i've always tried being upbeat and happy about what i'm doing and who i am. but i'm slowly realizing that i'm not sure that i'm who or where i want to be.

i'm stuck in a job that i absolutely love and hate. i spent this morning attempting to write an introductory paragraph about myself for an upcoming conference that i will (possibly) be presenting at. and i was trying to describe me. i wanted to shout
I AM A MOMMY TO THE TWO OF THE LOVELIEST LITTLE GIRLS AROUND!
but that is both incredibly important to who i am and completely unrelated to who i was trying to convey. i wanted to tell the people what i love about my job.
-- i love helping kids learn language and become better communicators.
-- i love watching a child say their first words.
-- i love breaking through to a child with autism and seeing them acknowledge me.
-- i love watching a student get the /r/ sound for the first time! and feel proud that i helped them get there.

but i feel that i'm failing my own kids in the process.

is it better that i reach out to 60 kids than to my own two?

i hate ... absolutely hate ... watching and seeing kids that don't reflect that they are being loved at home.
i'm sure that they are loved. everyone is. right?

are my girls gonna grow up thinking that they weren't because i shipped them off to play with someone else while i helped some other kids?

a few days ago ... my daycare provider was mentioning how fun it is to watch cora talking. (oops ... i said i wasn't going to edit ... that slipped. ignore it.) she said ...

"don't blink."

and i think i have. i've blinked and missed things.

my oldest daughter is going into *kindergarten* next year. she is going to be five years old.

is that what this rut is all about?

i'm watching these little beings develop and grow and mature and i can't fucking stop time long enough to breathe it all in. i can't bottle this (now) so that i can break open the seal in 50 years to remember who they were. at this exact moment in time. blogging is my attempt. but i can't, often enough, drop everything and just -write- in order to capture what it was that i wanted to say. and then i miss it. or forget about it. the memory gets placed in the store file of my brain. where, most likely, it will get covered in dust and forgotten about.

i want to stop everything and just stay at home with them and thrive off of their newness and discoveries and walk stella (oops again ... staying true to my word.) to school on that first day ... or maybe drive her.

because at this point ...
i have no idea where she is going to go. i always thought i did.

-- neighborhood school? yes ... but.
i work in our school district. i know that it isn't where i need her to be.
-- my school? yes ... but.
i don't want her love of life and learning to be smashed because of someone else's behavior.

i know my child. i know that if she saw another student throw a chair at the teacher on the first day of school ... she would be mortified and disturbed by it. it would bother her beyond all measure. it bothers me. she would bottle up that fear. she wouldn't talk about it for a few days ... she wouldn't sleep. it would all come tumbling.out.in.a.mess.of.tears.and.sobs.and.fear.
i don't want that.

at an open house last night ... i remarked to the teacher giving us a tour.

"i know that every parent thinks that their child is smart. and i don't want to sound like that parent. but ... i am. my child knows her numbers and her letters. she understands beginning level math concepts and is beginning to read and write. what is your school prepared to do to help foster and encourage her development, rather than making her wait for the kids that aren't ready?"

and she had the right answer. but our odds in the lottery to get in, aren't so hot. (please cross your fingers for me?)

they have their students make birthday baskets to send to homeless shelters for children. they expect (and make their parents sign!) agreements to be involved. they take the students outside to pick up the neighborhood and leave mayday baskets for the surrounding community.

they foster so much more than just the typical get through the day and teach the kids what is being tested. they want the kids to be successful at life. and that is what i want for my daughter. that is all that i ask for.

so now ... if you made it this far ... i thank you for listening and letting me pour out my heart. and i'm sorry that you had to listen to the randomness of it. but thank you.

what i really want to remember about today? i don't want to remember this feeling of being in a rut. i want to remember that two days ago ... on december 10th. stella came home from daycare knowing this.

MOM upside down is WOW

and i hope she believes it.