Tuesday, December 2, 2008

coconutbelly holiday newsletter - spin cycle

spriteskeeper gave us the challenge of writing a holiday letter for our spin cycle this week. i'm taking this opportunity to write the letter that i would never never *ever* send. in a million years. because it ended up being me COMPLAINING. which i absolutely hate to do. i tend to pride myself in being one of those glass half full or silver lining kind of people... (yes ... i know ... gag.)

and please don't attempt to go back through my posts to make me feel bad that i may have complained once or twice ... i realize that i probably have, in a moment of desperation, complained about something or other. it was either complain to the one person that actually read this thing ... or complain to my husband. which would end up frustrating him, most likely. so ... there. just leave it alone.
i like to think that i AM a positive thinking personality. just agree with me. m-kay?

and now ... onto the letter that we should all just ignore. and maybe i will post another spin cycle with a letter that more closely resembles our lives. with no further ado ... adeiu ... adieu ...

here's the damn letter.
dear friends and family ...
wow. what a crazy busy year it's been.
we, here, at the coconutbelly household have been basically just trying to make it, alive, into 2009. so far, so good.
since we've all changed so incredibly much since last year ... we thought we would take this opportunity to update you!

belly is now 4 and a half. she has managed to grow exponentially this year, and we are no longer completely sure that we can afford to feed and clothe her. we started the year in a size 4T. currently we are reworking her wardrobe to include mostly 6x. (that's a 4 size increase for the estrogen-challenged out there.)
she eats. and eats. and when she isn't eating ... she's crabby ... probably a low blood sugar thing. (perhaps ... we should feed her more often?)
her attitude is currently resembling that of a 15 year old. (which is an 11 year increase, for the mathematically challenged out there.) she has learned to follow any remotely attitude-filled comment with an "i love you." and we generally fall for it. and then she backs that up by screaming at us ...
--especially when she is tired. which is all. the. time. because she doesn't fall asleep until late hours due to a nap that needs to go away at daycare.
--and when things don't go her way. which is pretty much all. the. time. because you can do exactly what she asked and it will be wrong.
--and when her sister does something that she doesn't want her to do. which is all. the. time. because see above and below.

speaking of her sister, lil' miss coconut. our 1 and a half year old crazy chicken. for awhile we thought it was cute that our little coconut was a mover and a shaker. now we are just tired. no-one has ever agreed to take both of the girls at the same time overnight. so i have yet to spend a night away from her. (which is both totally awesome and totally horrendous at. the. same. time.)
she still manages to suck on a nuk-nuk. and we haven't even remotely started breaking her of that habit, yet. honestly ... it's because we are too tired.
she gets into everything. everything. including our bed on a nightly basis. and everything goes in her mouth. everything.
she has managed to sleep through the night a total of 4 times. in a year and a half. did i mention that i am tired? (at least my husband gets to get away and maybe sleep occasionally at his job ... or at least, that's what i dream that he does ...)

speaking of which ... husband is currently in a job that he dislikes.
but, like i tell him ... "you picked it! it's not my fault that you decided that being a pilot would be fun. it's not my fault that you fell in love with me and decided to have 2 children. it's not my fault that you thought that you could be a not-tied-down single pilot jetsetting around the world. now could you please stop and pick up some milk on the way home?"
he has a "crash pad" in new york city. which would be totally cool ... if it wasn't a room in a random house where about 20 other male pilots live. and the only extra set of sheets that we weren't using at our real house (so, therefore, the ones that had to travel to nyc with him) were rainbow colored. and scratchy. which i'm sure makes him look totally rockin' at the crash pad.

me ... well. is there really much to talk about? i wish i could finally lose the baby-weight. (screw you ... i'm still gonna call it baby-weight ... i don't give a shit that said-baby is almost two.)
which is kinda not really fun because a bunch of "friends" and i are trying to hold each other more accountable by checking in with each other at our websites. and email. which means that i could completely lie ... but won't
did i mention??, i blog now. (time suck that it is.)
i, now, have a bunch of new internet based friends. which my husband considers totally weird ... because i have never met a single one of them.
by the way ... don't ask for the address ... then i can't complain about you online. really. it wouldn't be good.
i sincerely like my job and absolutely hate my job. all! atthe! same! time! which perpetuates a lot of confused emotion on a daily basis. in all actuality, i really only love my job during extended holiday breaks. most days ... we are running at least 10 minutes behind and i have managed to yell at one or both of my children by 7:00 am.
i think that my pitfall is in the mindset that ... after i put my children in the care of someone else (who may or may not be more competent than i, at times...) then i go and take care of other people's children. say what?? it does sound a wee bit silly when it's put like that, doesn't it?

i'm sure the coconutbelly zoo (aka the animals overrunning our home due to this mama's maternal needs during pregnancies) is happy to see us leave, most mornings. i'm guessing they mostly sleep. on the illegal couch. or in the tree.

speaking of which. would someone please drive by the house to make sure that the tree is still standing? and that i turned off the christmas lights? thanks!

looking forward to sleeping in 2009!
and wishing you a less chaotic than ours and more rested than ours holiday and new year.



Kelly said...

Hilarious!!! I hope your husband doesn't sleep ON the job! That would be bad. Bad, I tell u!

DeeMarie said...

Great Spin!! You weren't complaining, silly. You were sharing what's gone on. Can't believe how grown up Belly's getting!!! 4 going on 7, going on 15!!!

Connie Weiss said...

Great Letter!

My husband does sleep on the job and I'm scared sh!tless that he is going to get fired.

I am still trying to lose my ex-husband weight. Being unhappy for 6 years really puts on the pounds.

Have a great day!

Sprite's Keeper said...

Jen, please don't rewrite this, it's perfect! I laughed all the way through! Beautiful use of the strike through! You're linked!

A Buns Life said...

I think you totally SHOULD send this one....it is refreshing and REAL, and one that everyone would remember. :) It reminds me of a girlfriend's Christmas picture she sent of her boys where they both were crying and practically hitting each other, and she said something along the lines We hope your Christmas is happier than theirs is going to be....it was hilarious and I still remember it years later. :)

Katie said...

It's amazing how a quick "I love you" erases some of the most serious violations. Well...almost!

Eva said...

That was great. :)

My husband always hates his job, no matter what.

only a movie said...

Hey - thanks for stopping by. I often pondered the paradox of paying someone to care for my child while I went off to work to care for other people's kids...
Fun post!

Raising Z said...

Awesome! I laughed through the whole thing. Every other year my dad and I send out a letter (only to close friends with a sense of humor) mocking holiday letters. It has always been a huge hit. Thanks for the laughs!

For Myself said...

Rainbow sheets on the bed in the crash pad? Niiiiiice...

I'd be PROUD to get this letter!