gone.

and then she was gone.

the world feels a little bit lighter and a little bit lonelier.

quieter.  peaceful.  less rushed and busy and full of guilt of not being there this morning or this afternoon.  of feeling like we weren't giving her enough of our time and watching others give more.  more of the quiet and sitting in her room and wishing her life while wishing her passing on quietly. 

we were told hours.  and that was precisely what we had.  the knowledge pouring from people that seem to know so much more about the process of dying than us.  i'm not entirely certain that i want their knowledge.  but it was so nice of them to share at a moment when we needed to know. 

i knew of the hours.  shared the hours with you ... and tried to secure childcare after realizing that i really didn't feel that taking the kids with was a great idea.  childcare wasn't so easy to secure.  so i waited and readied the children for bedtime.  feeling rushed and full of angst.  short tempered and frustrated.

i sent the girly girls to watch television while i nursed the boy to sleep.

in the quiet ... i made myself peaceful and calm.  wished it upon myself.
and did.

i sang the ABCDEFGs and tinkle-tinkle-yittle-star and wheels-on-bus-wound-n-wound ... over and over.
he finally relaxed and slept.
i crept out and rushed the girly-girls into bed now that my dad had arrived.
my sister texted mom ... we're on our way. 
mom texted in response ... gma is gone.

hours spilled into minutes into seconds and drifted away.

we still went.

and we sat in her room while she laid there with her eyes open and her mouth agape and i watched her chest.  i knew that she was gone ... but i couldn't help but think about how her chest wasn't rising and falling with breath.  how i shouldn't be sitting in this room with a body.  how that's not just a body.  it's my grandma.  watching my mom ... more concerned with her and how she felt.  watching my aunts ... holding strong.  telling stories.  laughing.  all of us trying to keep the air light while stealing glances at her. 

or ... her body.

it's funny how you think that this is what you want for her ... but it's not what you want for us.  and how living is hard on the dying and how death is hard on the living. 

my mind flips and flops between it all.

we readied ourselves.  picked up our things.  and walked out. 

we walked out.

and honestly ... it was the hardest thing we did.  it was the hardest thing i did.  (i guess i can't speak for everyone else).  walking away and leaving her in the hospital room ... eyes wide open.  we left.  holding hands.  holding each other.  holding her belongings.  we walked out into the cold night.  feeling lost.  and light.  and heavy.
.....................................................................................................
she's gone.

it's been days since i first started this post.  leaving you all hanging ... but i couldn't press the final publish post button. 

it didn't feel completely over yet.  i felt in between. 

i spent hours reading her life story that she had written long before her mind had forgotten it all.  pages and pages of happenings and dates and cities and names.  i poured over them and compiled the important pieces into a very condensed obituary.  i learned things about her and her family that i had never before known.  things that i'll likely share with you as i look into them further.  things that terrify me and enlighten me.  things that amaze me and astound me.  things. 

all of those things that happen between the once upon a time and the happily ever after. 

life.

we traveled to where she was to be laid to rest.  we took her home. 

finn smiled when he saw grandma sleeping. 
i don't know how to explain that to an (almost) two year old.  we told him that grandma went bye bye.  he could repeat it.  but i'm not sure that he really knows.  but does he really need to?

we left her.
there. 
home.
and it was so hard to walk away once again.  for the final time.  it was hard to leave her there in the cold windy air.  alone.  but not alone ... surrounded by her loved ones that preceded her.  brothers and parents.  my grandfather at her side.
..........................................................................................................
i have a mason jar filled with flowers now ... sitting atop my refrigerator so that the cat doesn't chew them.  pink roses and snapdragons.  pink daisies and rose buds.  flowers that the kids gathered from her at her gravesite.  flowers that they held onto while watching our tears fall.  flowers that they carried across the state lines.  begging me to put into water just as soon as i was able ... so that they could hold onto them.

eventually those too will wilt and the petals will fall among the mess in the kitchen. 
gone.

hours.

her eyes flicker.  open.  staring.  but not focusing.  not looking at me. 

pain?
memories?
annoyance?
recognition?

we're here.  we've been here for so many hours.  when we were told hours and maybe not overnight ... we were here.  all of us.  here.  by her bedside.  tears.  and hugs. 

and then we stayed.  in shifts.  so that she wouldn't be alone.  shifts of hours.  mornings.  afternoons.  nights.  days.

sometimes there was just one of us.
sometimes there were many.
some from far away.
some from near.

decisions that we didn't want to make were made.
decisions that we didn't want to talk about were discussed.
hellos.
goodbyes.
hellos. 

and now?  hours.
maybe?

god.  this mountain of emotion and ups and downs and all over the place is what is the hardest. 
it shouldn't be hard.  this dying process should be easy and painless and peaceful.  someone should not have to try hard to move on to the next phase in life. 
her life has been lived fully.

and as for us?
we sit.
and think thoughts that we think we shouldn't be thinking. 
wishing that she would just let go.
wishing that her heart wasn't so strong.
wishing that she would close her eyes and fall peacefully asleep.
wishing that she would go and take her husband's hand as he led her to their next life.

i remember sitting in his lap.
i have that memory of him.

i don't remember sitting in hers.

she was never the soft, make cookies and cuddle on the couch grandmother.

she was hard.  and tough.  and strong.

she still is.

i've whispered i love yous to her more often in the past week than i have in my lifetime.  i've touched her shoulder and moved her hair out of her eyes.  i've consoled her during pain.  and shhh shhhhed her to sleep. 

i've started and stopped letters to her all week.
it's the curse of a writer, i suppose.  we feel ... and our fingers itch to lay words upon a surface. 
the next morning ... i look at the scratches and can't send them out for someone else to read. 

until today.
when i heard hours.

hours.
hours.
hours.

goodbyes. 

because i realized during writing this ... that it is actually tuesday ... and all good just write things happen on tuesday ... so i'm linking up.  go there.  read other people's scratches.  tell them how amazing they are.  because they probably took parts of their hours to just write something.  and it's truly amazing what hours can do. 

pups and heels.

love this photo from my sister's session that we did for her housewarming invitations. 

it was almost exactly as i had envisioned during my planning.  except for the fact that my little pup niece, talullah, wouldn't sit still ...

can't really blame her ... she was only a few weeks old and just over a pound!

linking up to i {heart} faces ... this week it's all about animals!

in which I realize that i'm absolutely terrified of mice ...

& that my husband doesn't really care.


oh my, y'all ... I'm not entirely certain what woke us in the first place ... but ...

i heard cats playing. squeak.
cats rustling. squeak squeak.

& then, the husband that pretty much has no hearing left after being bombarded by airplane noise day after day ... said, "what's that noise?" ...

"it sounds like a mouse."

& then you know that screeching record sound?
& the feeling of every hair on your body standing tall?
& your heart speeding into overdrive?

yeah. that.

let me preface this story by telling you about a "mouse" in my house years ago.

I was all, "oh, what's that on my floor?" & i bent closer down until my nose was practically touching the floor ... and just as i was about to reach out and touch it because i was unaware of what that THING was ... i noticed that it was a nose with whiskers. attached to a skull & a spine.
like some freaky cartoon where a kitty pulls a mousey appetizer through it's teeth.

I promptly grabbed the closest tupperware. slammed it over the top of the "mouse". put a gigantasaurus dictionary on top. & called my dad. to come and help me.  and then i pretty much sat in the corner rocking.

so, this. tonight? it's a big problem. it's alive. it squeaks & it's in my bathroom.

heart racing, palms sweating ... I kind of (not really) casually ask jeremy if he's gonna go get it. to which he responds, "i don't see you jumping out of the bed to get it *harry houdini."

but he didn't really say harry houdini ... I think he said some track & field athlete. but I don't really know because i'm not a track & field fan ...
& because i was FUCKING SCARED out of my mind.

so he got out of bed. (finally) & so did I (to show camaraderie). and I stood on the step we have for my bed. but then I couldn't get off the step because I was freaking out. and I really wished that I slept in socks because apparently socks give you courage when dealing with mice. but my socks were across the room in the drawer, so no luck there.

jeremy went in search of ... something. & he was gone for a really really long time.

& then he came back and asked if I'd found something to catch it with. but I pretty much hadn't moved, so he just got pissy at me and left again.

he left me standing on my poor pathetic little step wishing for socks.

so I stood at my post watching to make sure that nothing left the bathroom. 
and i watched and i watched and i watched.

and made a plan.

my plan was that if it came running at me, i would either jump onto the fan and hang from the ceiling
or
i would sail through the air, over the mouse, run into finn's room grab him. take him into the girl's room. stuff dirty clothes into the space between the door and the floor. and hide out there until the mouse was gone or died of old age.

i'm just gonna come out & say it. i really don't love mice and they can die if they live in my house.
i think i would much prefer to have the littles living in my walls.

wait. maybe I should rethink that statement.
because even though the littles are cool & resourceful & stuff, it might not be awesome having a crapload of little people living in your walls.


plus also? I don't have any thread spools and thimbles lying around, so they'd have to use those little plastic pizza box things for tables and legos for chairs, which wouldn't be as homey.  and probably uncomfortable.
but i think they were pretty much made up ... so i don't have to worry about that right now.
oh crap.  finn whimpered. and i pretty much couldn't move. so i willed him back to sleep. with my mind.  it worked.  whew.

and then i secretly prayed that the mouse wasn't gnawing on his sweet little baby face.

jeremy came back, finally, empty handed. again. and I reminded him about the puke bucket in the cupboard that he could use to capture the mouse and he asked how he would pick it up and I said
"slide a freaking piece of paper or cardboard or something underneath!"
thinking, "i'll gladly find cardboard, if you would just cover up the mouse, first ... so that I can move."

but instead, he rushes off to find cardboard ...
but not before seeing the mouse & exclaiming, "oh that's a big one"

oh fuck, thanks.

new plan.
if it comes at me ... i'm running out the back door & moving to a new house with 3 bathrooms and 42 cats.  so that at any given moment there will be at least one bathroom without a mouse living in it.

i watched the doors.

husband came back with cardboard. grabs the puke bucket.
and can't freaking find the mouse.
so i offer suggestions.
to which he responds, "i don't really want to hear anything from you."

because apparently ... he forgot that men are supposed to always save their wives from scary mice.  i swear, don't you have to pass that test in boy school before you are allowed to become a man?  i thought there was a whole chapter titled "Saving Your Wife From Creatures".  and included tips for keeping mice, snakes, axe murderers and spiders away from your wife.

and maybe also includes a blurb about NOT GETTING PISSY AT YOUR WIFE WHEN SHE IS SCARED OF SAID CREATURE/S.

currently, i've made it to finn's room. i'm vowing never to sleep again & i'm never using the bathroom again.
and i totally, of course, have to pee.
edited to add ...
ok.  fine.  maybe he does love me ... because when i woke up ... i asked him to come and help me pee.  and first he said no.  but then he went and turned on all the lights and then peed first to make sure that it wasn't hiding in the toilet.  he didn't hold my hand while i peed, holding a broom and standing watch over me ... like i would have preferred ... but i think maybe he does care ... a little bit.

tired.

i knew from the moment that she exited her cocoon of a bed that she was still tired. 
so tired.

she fell into a heap of tears because of ... something. 
{i have really no idea what it was}

and then she sobbed because we were heading to pick up grandma for a day at the zoo.
{i still don't really understand why}

and she was full of smiles and laughter and love and joy and happy.
{and all of those other nice positive filled words}

but throughout the day i found myself quietly whispering ... she is so tired.
she is just really so tired.
excusing her from my frustration with her just being four-ness.  her tiredness.  her tears.  her flipflopping happies and sads.
or trying to.

i have days where i feel like i'm totally and completely failing everyone that relies so heavily on me for oh-so-many things.
and days where i kinda pat myself on the back for maintaining composure and managing 3 children.
i was kind of patting myself after accomplishing zoo in 2 hours.  with 3 non-crying children.
wherein i (thankfully had mom along ... but still) managed to encourage curiousity.  answer questions.  create questions.  ask questions. 
i was *that* mom.
and it felt so freaking good.

grandma invited us all over for dinner. 
so we managed to get finners there napless.
and managed to put him down.
and managed to eat peacefully.
{which isn't always accomplishable when finners is around}

and then it was time to leave.
probably *past* time to leave ...

and cora lost it.
again.

she's so tired.
she is just really really tired.
i whispered to noone but myself.

and i herded everyone to the car.
and went back for her.

i've taken to calling her my "pickle in the middle"
why?
i don't know.
i hated that game as a child.
it's like the outsides are teasing you and taunting you.  and there just really isn't any sure way to get that ball from their hands.  i feel nervous and clicky and anxious thinking about it. 
i hate that game.
but that girl has my heart. 
i love that girl.

i went back for her and scooped her up ... sobbing.  crying. ... picked up her purple boots and carried her to the car after her pitiful goodbyes to the grandma that she didn't want to see today anyways but was super excited to see when we saw her.
see?
flipfloppy.

she continued the whimpering and the crying ... as we drove home. 

finn was noticeably worried about her ... and i heard his sweet little voice from the backseat ...

tay?
tyin'?
want-mama?
hand?

and i watched as he reached out his little bitty hand to her and just simply held hers for the remainder of the ride home.

i cried.

i cried alone quietly ... because i know that i can accomplish things like zoo with three kids.  and dinner from nothing in the cupboard.  and studying for spelling tests.  and reprimanding snooty almost 8 year olds.  and managing bedtime.  and up-all-nighters.  and no coffee creamer kinds of mornings.

but my success as a mama rested alone in his reach for her to comfort her when she was hurting.

tomorrow they will probably fight.

i'm sure someone will be tired.  really really tired.
or teething.
or just snooty.
or crabby.
or sick.

because someone always is.

and i'll probably find something else to take pride in.  and i'll probably kick myself for doing something else. 

see?
flipfloppy.
i wonder where she gets it.

burrowing in ...

for the {shhhh!} ...

winter.

burrowing in.
simmering soup.
falling leaves.
dancing together.
billowing blankets.
watching movies.
drinking cocoa.
crackling bonfires.
baking breads.
reading books.
painting projects.
darkening nights.
shortening days.
cuddling close.
listening tunes.
playing piano.
making plans.
enjoying family.

that's just a bit of what we've been up to. 
.........................................................................................
winners of the shutterfly cards were 6.  1.  and 3. 
and i do have pictures of the random number thingamajig that i took ... but i really don't want to have to go and upload the pictures ... so can we all just agree to agree.

i'm going to do my best to go and let those people know ... BUT ... i need them to send their emails to me so that i can send them their codes ... so if i don't receive an email by wednesday ... i'll probably have to pick a new person ... k?

everyone happy??

thanks.

winners are ...

number 6 ...
little.birdy said...

Merry and Bright grabbed me!
November 9, 2011 5:41 AM

number 1 ...
darcie said...

I'm a huge fan of shutterfly - obvi! But how on EARTH does one pick just 1 design? aye aye aye.
I loove me some Christmas cards!
November 8, 2011 10:13 PM

and number 3 ...
Terumi said...

What a great contest! Love photo cards:)
November 8, 2011 10:29 PM

whew.
..................................................................................................
heading t'bed.

once upon a time.

once upon a time ... i was able to get things done.

i may have even been able to send out a christmas letter detailing the events of our not-yet-married life with two cats and one bird. 

oh yes.  i was *that* person.

if you were lucky?
i included a photo.
uh.huh.

and then ... oh ... about ... seven years, one month and 11 days ago ... something changed.
i had a baby.  (hi stella!) and ever since then ... i cannot for the life of me get anything done early. 
on time?  yes.  sometimes.  early?  rarely.

and so that is why, my friends ... we have resorted to sending out valentines day cards.  they pretty much look like i'm trying to be quirky and different and fun!  we are fun!!  no!  really!! we are!!!
but honestly ... i'm pretty much too busy scrambling to purchase gifts and shove the kids in front of santa to be worrying about sending you a christmas card.

my friends over at shutterfly have generously offered to give a few of us the opportunity to get christmas cards.  on time. 
like ... if you are one of the winners ... you'll pretty much be able to go ahead and order your cards ... and send them out and be the first person on the block to send out christmas cards.

or?

you can be like me and just order your valentine's day cards all early like ... and give yourself a few months of sitting around and doing absolutely nothing (ha!) before you actually have to lick the envelopes and slap a stamp on them. 

look!

now ... if you pretty much FORCED me to make a decision for a card to get out by christmas ... and you promised to come over to my house with wine and maybe a spiked punch drink that i had all warm and christmasy like the other day ... and you vowed to write all of my addresses and lick all of my envelopes and place all of my stamps in the upper right hand corner ... i might just pick this as my favorite.

(it's the confetti jacks christmas card.  super adorable.  plus not TOO christmasy.)

then again ... i just spent the last 25 minutes looking at all the super cute and adorable and lovely options over there ... take a look over here ...

and then ... i'm probably going to spend another few hours pouring over all of these cute gift ideas. 

or ... OR!  these calendars.

note to any family members reading this post ... you might just want to put your gift requests in the comments section ... it will be so much easier for me to find prior to december 24th when i would usually scramble to put together something for you.  and honestly ... if you want to just go ahead and order your own present, slap my name on it and send me a bill ... i'll take that option too.
i'm kidding.  seriously.
but it's really not a bad idea.
i'm kidding, though.  i totally love shopping.  especially at christmas time.
ok.  now i'm having heart palpatations.
remember my last christmasy shopping trip?

at this point ... we're all just going to go ahead and assume that shutterfly will never again ask me to be a spokesperson for them because i'm rambling about gifts and shopping and breastfeeding babies.  yes.  those things are all related.

and on a sidenote?  i'm fairly certain that this is going to be my card this year. 

it's the 'love and whimsy' card.

but probably with pictures of my family.  unless they won't sit still. 

THE BEST THING EVER?

shutterfly has given me the chance to give three (3!) of you a set of 25 of *your very own* cards to hand out this holiday season ... so ... go ahead and leave me a comment after you go and visit over at shutterfly to pick our your most favorite card ...

it's gonna be a hard decision ... you might want to put the kids to bed first ...

i'm going to close this contest on ... sunday 11-13-11 at 11:59 pm.  pretty much because i don't work on monday so i can find some random number picker thingy and have it pick three numbers from the probably really high number of comments that i'm going to get ... (ha!) ... because shutterfly mentioned something about my "influential blog" and that kinda makes me giggle.  (do i really influence you?  that seems a bit crazy to me.)

got that?
shutterfly.
cute cards.
christmas?
valentine's day?
win 25!
send them!
best holiday season ever.

whew. 

** obviously ... this post is sponsored by shutterfly.  they were generous enough to give me a few cards to hand out this year.  and super nice enough to give me a few to give to you ... and even though they were kind enough to do all of that ... the opinions of how cute their cards are ... are actually mine.   

** “Are you a blogger? Want a chance at 25 free cards this holiday season? Register here: http://goo.gl/DDw7Q”