because ...

last night ... i let my girly-girls take over. i followed their lead.

cora wanted to play in the sink. and proceeded to make a watery mess on the floor. her shirt and pants were soaking wet. socks too. i watched with love in my eyes. (and then helped her clean up the floor and the stool and the cupboard ...)

stella asked me (again) to play on the computer. the american girl website. i complied, willingly. happy to witness her ability to navigate the computer and try new things.

after dinner, they wanted to play outside. until bathtime. they begged for 10 more minutes? outside. please, mama? i finally dragged them in ... 10 minutes after we would have normally begun bath. chilled from the evening air and plunked them into a warm bathtub. (and yes ... that is cora in the swing!)

i cuddled them for every single minute that we had last night.

i kissed them upon their foreheads. even after they were asleep. not worrying if it would wake them.

i glanced into their rooms, watching them sleep ... gazing at their chests rising and falling ... steadily.

i put myself to bed ... with tears in my eyes for a mama that can't do the same. i cannot get this family out of my head ...

and i cannot believe how amazing of a community this is ... that i am proud to be a part of. maddie's story has restored my faith in people. so thank you all for showing me how compassionate and caring the world really is.


and on a sidenote ... i have a friend with a brand new baby that has asked me to take her children's pictures tomorrow. not a photographer thing ... but just a friend thing ... she said that she has always loved the pictures that i get of her kids. eek! how fun does that sound? and how silly does my makeshift backdrop look up there? i need the honest truth, please! it's obviously not perfect ... (it's a sheet hanging from my entertainment center in my living room ... with no lighting) ... just my picture window. but ... will it do? any suggestions on how to make it better?

perspective.

it seems that anything that i attempt to write or anything that i attempt to read ...
pales
after hearing, this morning, of a mommy and a daddy that lost her little daughter. maddie. a seventeen month old beautiful little girl ... with a smile that could keep the sun shining.

madeline alice spohr

perspective. it really just throws everything into perspective.

and there are really no other words that i can offer them, except ...
i'm sorry.
i'm sending the family peace across the miles. and support. because that's something that i (and we) can do.

her family has asked that donations be made to the march of dimes in her name. i have seen the donation number rise several thousand dollars this morning. it's amazing what we can do ... together.

keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. please.

a sense of urgency.

the other night ... as we slunk back inside ... not quite tired out enough from a few quick races around the yard ... several ups and downs on the slide ... and the attempt to get cora to sit. in. the. swing. (not sure why she's not having any of that thus far this spring?) ...

i realized this overwhelming sense of urgency that is stirring in me.

i want to get my hands dirty.

my little garden is calling to me. it's begging me to start digging in the dirt. and beckoning me to deposit little seedlings in the soil. it's requesting that the husband stretch it out (just... a... little ... bit... farther...) into the yard this year.

i think starting seeds would be a (wintertime - early spring-ish) passion for me. i would love to watch little greens spout out just above the dark damp earth ... in small little cups or handy egg cartons. i would love to know that i started them. to know that i guided them. (is that silly? a bit like having children?)

but i can't. or don't. (i'm not sure which.)

i have a fear that the cats would wreak havoc on the little greens in cups designed to be easily tipped and trampled across the wooden floors. i don't have enough room in this little house for me and the kids and the husband (part-time) and the animals ... AND baby plants who need sunlight. or artificial light in the form of lamps that i just don't have the room for.

so i settle for friends and neighbors that start little seedlings. and share their wealth. and i think that this option is just as lovely, because i tend to think of these friends all season long when the peapods are nourishing my family. or when my girls are peeling baby tomatoes from the plentiful plants for months, popping them into their mouths like candy.

and i settle for stopping by nurseries and exploring ... finding the little plants that my garden is ever-so-patiently waiting for. often buying too many or too much. and yet ... always finding room for them in pots and wagons and on the porch.

for now ... i reach ... often ... for the catalogs and books that sit upon shelves. flipping through their pages and dreaming of bigger gardens and more time.
and as the snow coats the brown grass (for ... please-oh-please ... let it be the last time ...) and the temperatures sway from warm to cold and back again ...

my little garden calls out to me ... and i whisper back ... soon ...

soon.

ra-ra-ra-ra-ra means randomization.

ready for the randomization?today marks my 200th post ... ost ost ost ost. (that was an echo ... in case you were wondering.)

and if anyone is counting ... apparently it's really only 192 ... and that 200 number really does include those eight to-be-edited posts that are currently sitting in an unfinished bloggy state.

shall i describe them for you?

one is entitled ... not sure yet. and consists of me explaining that i LOVE my husband. and discussion about being the wife of a pilot. apparently, he must have done something pretty spectacular that day ... and then proceeded to piss me off the next day, so therefore ... i never hit publish.

another is cora's unfinished birth story. we'll get there. someday. i promise. it's just a really hard one for me to finish writing. i was having trouble conveying the speed and overwhelming sense of rush in her birth. it's hard to get out in words.

we have another one entitled ... wait for it. clarity. and it has absolutely NO words. which cracks me up because ... apparently, my mind was actually REALLY clear that day.

there is a lonely post in which i hoped to thank people for the awards handed out to me ... and i had so much difficulty just finding the awards that people had sent over that i never could do all the linkage and finding of the awards and the posting ... i just took a nap instead. (note ... if you have sent an award or something that i have never responded to or posted ... let me know in the comments here! you'll save me heaps of time. and i will be eternally thankful. and i will give you a double entry on my next giveaway ... coming up here soon!)

there is another entry about a awesome organization ... that down-to-earth mama shared ... the girl effect. i really wanted to share it ... and haven't gotten my thoughts out about it yet. it really affected me from a mama of girls perspective. and made me see the whole forest and tree thing. well ... that and i could not for the life of me figure out how to get a video imbedded. argh.

there is an ABC meme ... filled completely out and then realized that i think i had already done it. yep. so i didn't post it. not like anyone was actually reading when i did it the first time! oh wait ... apparently instamom was the only one reading at that time!

and a 25 things meme that originated from a friend is facebook. and then i remembered that i'm really not that exciting. and i had already squeaked my way through a 100 things post. i came up with two for my list o' 25 that day ... one ... i have a bird and unfortunately i never took into account children and naptime when acquiring him (oops.) and two ... i have two kids ... uh ... that's where i stopped because ... um ... can you say BORING?

and finally ... another ... where i provided everyone with a statistic that is probably only interesting to speech-language pathologists out there. basically that the vocabulary of children that are good readers is estimated to be over 20,000 words. and in children that are struggling with reading ... vocabulary is estimated to be under 5,000. which is a 15,000 word difference! not to mention the fact that, it was noted that strength in vocabulary has also proven to be a predictor of poverty. see? that's why i never hit publish.

random? maybe. (there's plenty more random if you click on the RTT button up there at the top!)

and if you want me to go on in, edit a bit and hit publish on any one of those ... you just let me know!

hey ... i know! maybe we'll have a contest to see which one y'all are most interested in! and if no one comments on this post ... i'm just gonna assume that none of them sound interesting and i'll just have to come up with something better ...

but give me a few days.
shit this awesome takes time, y'all.

a re-evaluation of sorts ...

hasay much? if you have no idea what i'm talking about ... head over here to find out.

it's week 24. and as y'all probably know. i haven't kept up. i haven't kept up with the weight loss. i haven't kept up with the posting about it. i haven't kept up with my goals to work out.

and i've come to a realization.

i NEED to do this. now.
i need to do it for myself. my kids. my husband.
i need to do it to stay healthy.

i'm so incredibly sick of losing and gaining the same amount of weight over and over again. obviously i'm doing something wrong.

so ... i've re-evaluated and this is what i've come up with. i need to use what i have. i need to set realistic goals for myself. i need to be proud of what i do, not just how much i lose.

i started this back here saying ... ah hell ... i'm just gonna copy and paste it in ... i need the reminder. (this is all about me folks ... thanks for reading ... but it's really all about me.)

RE-POST!
so my "friend", jen "at" steenkybee, "alerted" me to another "blogger" that is "hosting" a weight-loss "club".

sorry about the unnecessary quotations...i just read a funny blog about unnecessary quotations...and as soon as i started with the "friend" thing...i couldn't help myself. it's my whacked sense of humor, i guess. you are totally allowed to ignore that first paragraph. but you must pay attention to the rest...there might be a quiz.

i have been in a really difficult place with myself lately. i love myself. i really do.

this body was able to create and birth two gorgeously beautiful blue-eyed blondies. with no meds. no meds. i'm very proud of myself for that.

this body got me a terrific husband. (or maybe that was just my personality and brains. who knows?) but still, a husband that loves me irregardless of what i look like.

this body is me.

but i don't like what it looks like anymore.

i'm loved. but i want to love what i look like. it's a completely selfish desire. but one that i want to accomplish.

so i'm jumping into the club. i've heard rumors that they will kick my ass into gear. is that what she said in the email? sounds harsh. but maybe i don't need anyone quietly motivating me. maybe this is just what i need. here's my first assignment.

side note...why can't everyone not use capital letters? i hate having to erase and correct all those damn capital letters when i cut and paste. seriously...time, folks! i don't have a lot of it!

first assignment:
write and publish a blog post on your site detailing the following information:

what motivates you and why do you want to do this challenge?
motivations...the desire to never have to be tested for diabetes. the desire to love what i look like in the mirror. the desire to run around the yard with my kids. the desire to have my husband think he just acquired a trophy wife. why?...cause i want to love myself more than i already do. because my mom and her 2 sisters all have diabetes...and i don't want to prick my fingers.

what is your long term goal?
i want to wear a size 10. or 8. that's 3 (or 4) sizes folks. i realistically think i can get there with perseverance. and less eating out.

what is your long term weight loss goal?
i have no idea what the above will look like in poundage. i'm guessing 25-30 pounds?

what tools are available to you?
i have a membership at curves that is ending this month. which is good. i haven't been getting there. my time with my girls was too precious, already. husband will be bringing home my elliptical machine from another location (borrowed to someone else, when i got the curves membership). i have a dog. i have the girly-girls. i have trails in the valley. i also have winter rearing it's vicious head. so...i have an elliptical machine.

how often can you exercise?
i want to note...in her description here...she called us fatties. just for that...i'm gonna exercise 5 mornings per week.

what do you plan on doing?
my plan is to set my alarm for 5:45. i will not hit snooze. i will start a pot of coffee and go downstairs on my elliptical machine for at least 20 minutes. i will do 10 sit-ups (for starters). and then i will shower and get ready, before the girls get up. then, i'm not wasting the time that i have with them.
my eating plan, is to call my friend (a dietician) and ask for some suggestions. she's amazing and beautiful and highly recommends chocolate. but in moderation. i want her to help me.

what has worked for you in the past?
i've never had to work for it. in the past...it was easy. i rode up to 5 horses a day. i ate whatever i wanted. i occasionally pulled out my yoga for abs dvd.
what hasn't worked in the most recent past...is workouts that bore me, eating whatever i want, not caring, being too busy to eat healthy and not having people there to kick my ass.

i think i need the ass-kicking, everyone. so...i'm gonna post in my side-bar my weight loss. every week. (which means i need to buy a scale.) i might just need y'all to keep the motivation going.
help?

wait...don't help.
just keep kicking my ass until i reach my goal.

oh yeah. no quiz. just wanted to keep you on your toes.
END RE-POST!

... so that was then. this is what i want now.

i want to lose 2-3 pounds this week. (and next week i'll probably say the same thing. you've been forewarned ... although that will hopefully be in addition to the 2-3 lost this week.) it's going to be a week by week thing for me. i want to exercise 3-4 times this week. i will calculate all calories consumed monday to friday when i have a computer at my fingertips. i will watch myself on saturday and sunday. i will beg my friend for some advice in the nutrition department. i will beg another friend to give me fitness advice. i will include the girly-girls. because i don't ever want them to have to go through this. i want them to know a healthy lifestyle. and i want them to know that they are beautiful. just because they are ... not because of inches and sizes and numbers.

so ... now i need to find a happy medium between teaching the girls to be healthy and teaching them to love themselves. argh. no one ever said this was easy, right?

i also need you to give me your advice ... please?

i need to know how to fit the exercise in ... (almost) everyday.
and i need to know what you all eat to fill yourself up so that you aren't starving by dinner ... when you are armed with the knowledge that you only have about 500 calories left for the afternoon/evening.

spill it ... folks!

and honey ... remember that time that you said you didn't really want a trophy wife after reading that old post? and how you just really wanted me to be healthy and happy? thank you for that.

not here ... over there ...

i'm not here today ...
i'm over here ... guest posting at the dayton time ...

i offered to give pamela a little bit of a break while she was "cranking out number four" (her words ... not mine.)

and then i managed to make myself apparently invisible. (well ... now ... we've since realized that to each other ... we are just considered spam.) and so not the spam of minnesota heritage.
(really ... that link takes you to spam dot com ... no joke ... there's even a spam fan club. now we know. life can go on.)

really what i'm trying to say ... is not about spam ... i got sidetracked ... it's about how pamela and i couldn't get in touch with each other.
and then she had her baby and i totally stressed that she was thinking i was ignoring her request and i was thinking that maybe she didn't REALLY want me to post ...but now ... we're all good. whew.
and i've decided to give everyone over there a few examples of a first born little in comparison to the fourth born little in a family.

and i make the claim to have absolutely no true knowledge of this ... so this may be complete falsehood. you've been warned. please consult a medical professional with any questions. these results are not typical. please eat and drink responsibly. and look both ways before you cross the street. the end.

now go and check her out! she's all kinds of wonderful!

and so is jen of steenky bee ... who gave me a wonderful shout out in her guest post ... which was posted the day before me ... and made me feel lotsa nervous because wow. it's like being the younger sibling to a mensa member. it is so hard to confidently follow a professional like steenky ... so i suggest that you run on over there and make me feel less incompetent. thanks in advance.

(and you can totally skip the first few paragraphs ... 'cause i'm so awesome at copying and pasting. and you pretty much just got that here. but that doesn't mean that you can skip the jump on over there. i'm watching you. you've been warned.)

tick tock ... tick tock ...

i LOVE having paid time off.

because on a day like today, when i found out ...

that my best(est) friend evah ... and her husband ... and her (almost) one-year old daughter ... are coming into town (yay!) for her cousin's funeral (boo-hoo.) ...

and they are staying with me ... oops ... i mean, us ...

i was able to sneak out of work two hours early to come home and write this blog post ... oops ... i mean, clean ...

all before picking up the girly-girls ...

and i'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to someone that we haven't seen in quite some time around here ... everyone please welcome ...

SUNSHINE! and her faithful companion ... BLUE SKIES!

we are ALL very excited to see them ... (and here is where i attempt to make this a cohesive post) ... all of them (our friends AND the sun).

next up ... green grass. everything outside has been a wee bit too ugly to take pictures of ... i CANNOT wait for it to green up a little around here.

(this post is being submitted as an attempt to actually complete a spin cycle again around here ... confused? head on over to see spriteskeeper. she will make it all so much clearer. i promise.)