i have finally become THAT mom.
oh ... you all know the one ... that mom that is carrying her screaming and crying and hitting and kicking child out of a store.
oh yeah ... THAT one. (didn't take much to jog your memory huh?)
ohmy. and it wasn't even the toddler. things would have been so much better if it was just the toddler.
it was my big girl. practically minutes after commenting on someone's blog ... about how this closetofive age is completely and totally wonderful!
"it's like a switch was flipped! they listen! and they respond! all the time! they have a sense of humor! a real live sense of humor! not just making up things and laughing! they tell real jokes and make funnies! and they try really hard for you! and they write and draw by themselves in their rooms! giving mamas a bit of a break! and you can kinda trust them with things! and, did i mention they are wonderful?!"
apparently someone forgot to knock on wood.
or find a four-leaf clover.
or walk around the ladder.
i don't know ... maybe the black cat walked in my path that morning ... i have no idea.
but somethin' ... oh holy hell ... something took an absolute turn for the worst and placed me into the shoes of THAT mom.
it was a leisurely jaunt to the local homegoods store (god ... i love that store! i especially love when i find things with red stickers!!) ... looking for bedding or ideas ... stella wants a rock-flower-fairy-princess room for her birthday! complete with pink walls! (is anyone sick of the exclamation points yet?!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
we found absolutely nothing for the room.
but considering that this one is also coupled with a tjmaxx! (gotcha!!!) mama found an awesome skirt and two tops for spring ... and stella found a little skirt/shirt combo ... ALL WITH RED TAGS. (aka supah cheap).
we got ourselves into the little line.
oh yes ... the line that they have snaked between rows of shelving covered in candy and books and fun-shiny-alluring-gotta-have-it-stuff-for-kids ...
which is totally cool ... 'cause my kids are totally able to handle the need vs. want thing ... right?
cora starts complaining ... whining ... seriously two year molars can just suck ass ... i swear. she wants to be held ... she wants the nuk-nuk that is in the car ... she wants something to eat ... she is loudly exclaiming that she wants to nurse in the middle of the closing-in-on-us line.
then stella starts. fuck fuck fuckity fuck. i totally saw it coming. mama got major claustrophobia. there were 4 people behind us ... in this little aisle of a line ... ok, aisle is an exaggeration ... a snippet would more closely describe the amount of space we were provided with ...
thinking back ... that store has some smarts people! ... women with children and strollers and babies are totally not gonna turn around in that thing ... they are forced to make their purchases. at least that's what i'm gonna claim next time the husband sees a purchase to that store.
... back to the story ... there were 10 people in front of us ... and 4 ... oh no ... 6 people behind us ... and my kids are gradually increasing their wailing, the line is at a freaking standstill ... managers just were called over the intercom and i'm pretty sure that all hell is gonna break loose in ... 3 ...
so i kindly asked the people behind me if they would let me out of the line. i remember the voice of one woman ... with a teenage daughter ... it was so nice in a i've-totally-been-there kind of way ... everybody backed up ... beep beep beep ... allowing us out of the cattle line.
i started hanging my skirt (boo hoo ... i SO wanted that skirt) and my shirts up on the closest rack ... screw putting stuff back where it belonged at that point ...
... 2 ...
i grabbed stella's outfit ... and proceeded to hang. it. on. the. rack ...
and ... 1 ...
my (ever-so-close-to-fiveyearold-amazingly-wonderful) daughter proceeded to turn into a red-eyed-curly-horned demon.
and all i remember was a ton of loud screaming and crying and kicking and hitting and attempts to jump ship and escape back to the store to reclaim her purple skirt/flowery shirt combo ... because ...
I NEED IT!!! ... I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR FOR THE SUMMER!!! ... YOU ARE GONNA MAKE ME BE NAKED ALL SUMMER!!! ... I HATE YOU!!! (insert heart breaking) ...
and it took fucking everything i had to remain quiet and collected and outwardly composed to get her out to the car. it took fucking every ounce of strength to get her in and buckled and keep cora from losing it too ... because ... if my big sister is crying ... shouldn't i cry too?
i swear i had felt the heat of eyes staring at me ... which made me feel even more vulnerable. these people don't know me. they don't have any idea that this doesn't happen regularly. they don't have any idea that i am a mama that loves her littles in spite of anything ... ANYTHING. do they think that i could possibly say hateful things to my kids or do something like hurt them ... which would cause my daughter to act out like that?
i've come to realize ... that maybe(?) ... a few of them have been there done that ... and that heat that i felt was an overwhelming compassion for me ... THAT mom ...
we had a loooong talk at home ... and in the car ... about want vs. need.
we talked about why that situation and her reaction was unnecessary and wrong.
we talked about what she could have done differently.
i told her how much i love her.
and she told me that she really does love me too. and that she was sorry that she said that she hated me.
and i swear ... i don't ever want to be THAT mom again.
but ... if i ever see HER out there ... i promise to not judge. that heat she feels against her back will be compassion from a mama that has been in those shoes before.