Tuesday, January 13, 2009

three requirements.

i had three miniscule requirements. i'm not a hard-to-please person ... not at all.

saturday ... i went in to get a haircut. i'm horrible with keeping up with a ~hairstyle~ . really really horrible. in fact ... i think this was the shortest amount of time that i've gone BETWEEN two haircuts ... a mere 4 months.

**collective gasp from the reader(s)**

i am so far from high maintenence. so so far.

and the thing is ... my hair grows superdupercalifragilisticexpialidociousfast. which means i should probably get MORE haircuts.

but to me ... they are a little like torture. you mean i have to sit and talk to someone that i don't know? because dear god ... my misfortune is that if i LIKE a hairstylist ... they tend to move to another unknown unreported location. and i swear, this has nothing to do with me. but it affects me. as you'll see.

i loved my last haircut. she cut it just a slight bit shorter in the back than in the front so that it didn't lay funny on my shoulders. it was a perfect length (but grew out a little faster than i would have hoped). i could pull it back or wear it down ... perfect when working with kids and being a mommy. and it was disaster-proof. i couldn't mess it up. i didn't have to do anything. i didn't even have to dry it if i didn't want to.

so ... i called to schedule with her again.
but she quit. imagine that. and didn't leave any information about the cut. of course.

so i proceeded to see someone new. i'll just tell her my three requirements ... it'll be fine. she can't screw it up!

my requirements.

1. i don't DO my hair. i'm lucky if i get a shower everyday. sometimes ... the girls are entranced by the television i get time to blowdry it. sometimes ... my husband is home i get time to use a straightening iron. these carefree moments of me time ... are few and far between. don't expect me to do anything to it.

2. i must be able to pull it back into a pony or piggies. i can't stand having my hair down when i sleep. i have students that will (gladly) grab any stray hair and pull. hard. i don't want to have any stray hairs to pull. 'cause it really f-ing hurts. the ponies and piggies don't need to be long ... but they need to be AVAILABLE.

3. the last girl gave me a cut i loved! slightly longer in front than in the back ... my hair actually laid nicely on my shoulders after that cut ... i LOVED it. she didn't do many layers ... 'cause they tend to look funny on my hair after a few weeks. and she used that funny scissors to "thin" it out. i have very thick hair, yo.

i thought that was sufficient, efficient and made sense ... without seeming all too demanding and opinionated.

oh dear god was i wrong.

i had my first inkling that something was going drastically wrong when she whipped out a razor and did a "djjjjut" against my neck ... just below my hairline ... before i could say a word.

i breathe. in and out. in and out. in and out.

(short-er is a little ok ... remember how fast your hair grows? it'll be fine.)

then she whipped out those funny scissors and my hair started flying around the room. i looked down and say a piece about 8 inches in length on my lap.

slight hyperventalition.

hair was flying everywhere. i couldn't move with edwardia scissorhands on the loose. i was worried i might lose my nose or an earlobe.

i went to my happy place. breathe.

as she started blowdrying my hair ... she gave me directions.


remember when i mentioned ... i don't do my hair?????

the directions involved: a medium to large round brush, a thingamajigy on my blowdryer, a straightening iron, some gooey stuff and some polishy stuff.

problem? i only own one of those things.

when she was finished ... i had a style similar to that english chick that is married to a soccer player and bought some hugeass mansion for her and her family ... even though they weren't in america yet ... (this memory brought to you courtesy of late night tv ... when baby wouldn't sleep.) please note ... the ENTIRE time i watched that show ... i kept thinking about how much i did not like her hair.

note: if you have hair like hers and you really like it! i'm so happy for you!
it's just that i could never pull it off. hair like that requires high heels and short shorts. or fancy white pants and a leather jacket. or at least red lipstick.

i cried a little on the inside as she spun me around to see the whole effect.

but here is the "minnesota nice" in me ... i couldn't tell her how much i hated it. but i couldn't really say i liked it either.

i think i said wow.

and left. after paying AND giving her a tip. (why the hell do i do that?)

today? it's not so awful. i still don't own 3 of those gadgets and gooies. but i made do.

and if i pull it really hard and use cora's hair bands ... i can get two little piggies. very little piggies. but ... piggies. i'll survive. i just have to keep reminding myself that my hair grows superdupercalifragilisticexpialidociousfast.

and next time ... well ... she will have probably quit. so it's fine. i just hope she didn't write any specifics about the cut down for the next chick.


Raising Z and Lil C said...

Oh....I am sure it is not as bad as you think it is! I am just like you....simple hair cut that can be thrown up in a pony tail. My hair is so curly and frizzy most days that it lives in a pony tail. I don't own a brush or a hair dryer :)

Well at least it will grow back quickly. Hang in there!!!

Captain Dumbass said...

I shave my head, weekly. Like you it grows super... you know. Zero maintenance.

Christine said...

So.....a picture? If you can stand to photograph it....it does sound cute, but....hair grows, and it's probably not nearly as bad as you think it is!

3 Peas in a Pod said...

I don't think I've ever commented before but today I just had to. I feel your pain and you are sooo lucky that your hair grows back at warp speed. I got the haircut from h*** when I was pregnant with my last child. It was torture as my hair doesn't grow fast...not even while preggo. Who gives a bad haircut to a pregnant woman? I do like the kind of haircut you got. So glad you can get it into piggie tails. I love when they're tiny, it looks cute. I know what kind of haircut you were asking for though and I'm not even a hair stylist!! Gotta love when they act like they're listening to you and then do exactly what you didn't want.

Thanks for sharing. You really must be nice to not cry in front of the girl and leave her a tip to boot!

Much love from NJ,

Sprite's Keeper said...

Pictures! We want pictures!

DeeMarie said...

I'm sure it looks adorable!!! The place I go doesn't get offended if you don't like it (they will do all they can to fix it) and they don't allow tipping!!
I agree with the others, I'd love to see a pic!!!

Christy said...

I hate getting my hair cut too. About 5 months ago, I had the best hair cut EVER. I went back and had my hair cut by the same girl last month, and it didn't go has well. She cut it too short and made my layers too choppy. You just never know what you're going to get.

Casey said...

Oh no! I have the exact same requirements. I don't even know why I bother getting my haircut since it's back in a ponytail by the time I hit the parking lot. And fix my hair? NEVER. I do have a straightening iron that I use maybe once every six months.
I hope the new "do" grows out soon!

Allison said...

I wish I had your growth speed on my head - I have resorted to cutting my own hair when it needs to be trimmed. I figure I can F--- it up just as easily as they can - but for free.

HeatherPride said...

I sooooo hear you on this one! I must have hair long enough to put in a pony. And I refuse to do anything with my hair except for dry it with a diffuser. That's the most effort I can dredge up. I FINALLY got a woman who can cut my hair decently. But it took a few years. And I only get it cut probably 3 times a year, so....

For Myself said...

I'm so sorry you had to say wow. I hate it when I have to say wow. Post a picture and we'll tell you if it's really wow worthy. We'll be honest, because you know, no one should ever abuse or misuse a wow. It's the wow rules.

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...


The haircut you had previously sounds to me- though I've not seen a photograph- a lot like what is called a Swing Bob. My hair is currently cut that same way, only it's too short to fall on my shoulders. But it could if it were longer. It's a very classic cut, and if the girl that just cut your hair couldn't get that from the description you gave her, you don't want her cutting your hair again anyway. Bitch. I typically am the kind of girl that says "it's only hair. It'll grow back!" So I grow it out long, cut it off, grow it out, cut it off. As such I've had it done so many ways! But I don't make time to do it anymore. There's no point. Just abunch of animals and the boys on the ranch are the only ones going to see me. And Zach my sig other thinks i'm beautiful all the time. So what's the point?

Unknown said...

I once had to straight up tell a girl to stop, because she just kept cutting and cutting and it kept getting worse and worse and more uneven and uneven. I refused to pay her and left in tears. I went in for a trim on a simple bob. I called my other person (who was booked solid for two weeks, hence the reason I braved going to a new person) and BEGGED her to squeeze me in THAT day to fix my hair. I lost 7 inches that day. It was bad and I was so sad.

I feel your pain.....