mama guilt

wow.
i've literally paid for hours upon hours of daycare this summer to hold our spots while on summer vacation and used...oh...only about 6 full days worth.

and it's showing.

(well...in the checkbook) AND in the fact that when i dropped the girly-girls off at daycare, coconut was crying her little eyes out. belly complained the whole way there...i think coconut just thought we were on another escapade. but no...then i turned "the turn"...and she realized in that very instant that being with mama is...
ohsoverymuchmorewonderful-causei'mwithmymama.

and at that very same second...i realized how much i am LOVING being with my girls. and how much i was dreading dropping them off. (even when they are driving me a little bonkers).

please don't get me wrong...we love our daycare "family". our providers are wonderful. friends of family friends that i grew up knowing. in my heart, i know that my girls are loved and well cared for and will be safe with them. but, it's just not..."just us - together - the girls".

and i am feeling major mama guilt on both sides of the picture. i feel mama guilt when i bring them and mama guilt when i pay for it and don't.

the more that i keep them home...the more i feel like, i am slowly losing little bits of me. there are so many things that i've lost in my quest to become a mommy...and SO MANY THINGS I'VE GAINED. but sometimes, those lost things really feel so far away and unattainable. and i kinda miss them. it's a discussion that husband and i have had...i feel like i have had to lose (or should i say, change?) so much of myself in order to be a mommy.

-i haven't had the opportunity to jump aboard a horse in how many years? i used to be a damn good rider. i realize that now...i still cry when i realize how affected i was am by my horse passing on.
-i haven't been able to craft and create something to completion. i have so many unfinished projects that are rearing their potentially beautiful heads as i am organizing my new craft area.
-shopping (which used to be enjoyable - when there were no crowds and it was basically an excuse for aimlessly walking - i had to clarify or my mom and sis would laugh at me for saying i actually like doing it)...has become a logistical nightmare...what is the fastest way from point a to point b that will allow me to find shoes for coconut, find shorts for belly, buy dog food (and manuver it to the car while coconut is in her sling and belly is holding onto my purse) and get home before anyone gets hungry or needs a nap (including mommy).
-i haven't slept through the night in years.
-i have very rarely been able to eat a meal without standing up and getting something or tending to someone in such a long time.
-hell...i haven't been able to sit still in a long time.

i am kinda lost.

but...i realize i have gained my entire reasons for being. maybe all of those other things were just that...things to contentedly get me through life until my two little reasons for being alive arrived. i am a mommy.

i might occasionally miss those other parts of me...but i would miss my girly-girls a hell of a lot more.

don't worry, honey...i'm not about to go out and buy another horse anytime soon...but a pony...or two...hmmmmm...