random ramblings...

more commonly referred to as the crap that my poor husband has to listen to as he falls asleep
OR
more positively described as the beautiful, (insert) poetic music to which my husband rests his weary head (in verse)

interested in a random piece of information? if not, skip ahead to #1. i was going to write "in prose" (because it sounded good in my head - never a good reason, i know.) however, i just learned that to speak something "in prose" means to speak something with somewhat dull expression or tone. totally NOT how i sound at the end of the night, i'm sure. so, i changed it to "in verse" ...which apparently means, "writing distinguished from poetry because of its inferior quality". argh. i'm not inferior either. i'll just insert poetic. (and i'm totally not looking it up...because i don't give a crap at this point).

brought to you by...me...of course. primarily because he doesn't want to listen to me ramble.

1. my dog is currently living in a funnel. i will have to post a picture. she has a $350 bug bite that she will not leave alone and therefore is living life in a funnel to keep her from infecting it any further - and therefore, making it MORE expensive. i'm worried that i will leave her out in the rain. and she keeps me up at night bumping into things and getting stuck on the drawer pulls of my dresser. and she knocks over the baby. she really thinks it sucks for her...but it kinda sucks for everyone in the family.

2. to escape from her...(well, not just her)...we ran away to the pool on this dreary afternoon. dreary...cloudy...but hot. and this little girl taps me on the butt and asks me to take her to the potty. apparently, her mom isn't there...and the person that she is there with isn't there anymore. seriously. someone left their 3-year-old girl ALONE at the pool. WTF? i'm guessing that the responsible adult was at the birthday party rental tent. but, whatever. you still don't leave a THREE YEAR OLD alone at a pool. lifeguards are not there to babysit. i don't like to judge...but that is crazy.

3. on the other hand...i think i'm going to visit my best(est) friend!!!!! soon!!!!!! next weekend............gasp.

4. i have TONS o' tomatoes on my vines.

5. unfortunately i think they will all turn red while i'm out of town. and i'm gonna miss my first tomato sandwich.

6. i have had TONS o' zucchini already this year. in fact, i found a GIGANTIC zucchini hiding amongst all of the leaves. i'm talking calf sized. (no not a "cow" calf...the "bottom half of your leg" calf).

7. it's probably two zucchini breads worth. (and i won't be remaking the FLOP of a zucchini bread that i attempted to make in our vitamix blender thingy...even though i think it was my fault because i tried to use real pineapple and not canned pineapple...).

8. have i ever mentioned our vitamix before?? we love it. constant smoothies. in a flash. you just throw fruits and vegetables in...and seriously...seconds later. smoothie. you can even use it to make soup. or salsa. or bread batter. (it chops the zucchini for you, folks!)

9. maybe husband and belly will make salsa with the TON o' TOMATOES that they will be eating while we're gone. did i mention that i'm bringing coconut with me? the screamer? what the hell am i thinking?

10. my anxiety increases dramatically when i'm anticipating a trip. note...i am not an anxious person.

11. i might get to meet a bloggy "friend" while there. she's met up with my best(est) friend...who was looking for mommies in her area. i hooked 'em up. (you can thank me later, guys).

12. I WON SOMETHING! on the aforementioned, bloggy "friend"'s blog. an awesome book...i love dirt. (activities to help you and your kids discover the wonders of nature). i'll provide hints when i get the time to actually read it.

13. i won't be reading it on the plane, i'm sure. i will have a one year old screaming darling daughter with me. (did you happen to notice this landed on #13? crap. i'm so screwed.)

14. luckily...she will (hopefully) have her own seat. one of the "perks" of being a pilot's wife. semi-free airline travel, each family member has their own pass. one of the "not-perks" of being a pilot's wife...STAND-BY TRAVEL PASSES. i am totally cool with traveling with baby. (i'll write some tips someday). the part that really sucks is not knowing if you will actually make it on the plane or if you will be stuck in las vegas with a one year old. now...i've never been to las vegas. but i am totally assuming that it's not a family friendly kinda place. nor would i find a cheap (clean) hotel room until i get out the following morning. maybe i'll go through phoenix. i don't know anyone there either. (please keep your fingers crossed for me).

15. best(est) friends and their (relatively) new babies...all the anxiety is totally worth it.

are you still awake??? ...it's over. you can go to sleep now. good night. i'll stop talking.

i promise.

oh yeah...one more thing...oh never mind. good night.

the pitch at which my brain ceases to function

coconut is a screamer.
not just a little scream here and a little scream there. she is a SCREAMER.

"mommy..."
"MOMMY..."
"!!!***!!MOMMY!!***!!!"

today in a restaurant, she noticed a group of guys...and she latched on to the one that actually responded to her repeated "hi" requests. she thought she was freaking hilarious when she was saying "hi" to him over and over and over. poor guy. and he thought he was just being nice.

then...she realized that the place ECHOED-echoed-echoed-echoed...

i could not stop her from screaming. i tried the phone. i tried the keys. i tried handing her a cookie. i handed her a glass of coke. nothing...so, we left.

right before getting married, we had a family member (hi!) that at the time, had a son around this age. we were going to be in town one night and asked if they wanted to meet out for dinner. they said that they didn't take him out to eat and suggested that they could make something at their house. i distinctly remember rolling my eyes and thinking..."what's up with that? i will NEVER forgo a dining out experience just because i have a little kid." (weren't we all better parents before we actually HAD kids?)

now...i totally understand. i COMPLETELY understand.

currently, the worst of it... is in the car. she has this pitch that she can hit at a moment's notice if...sheisnotrespondedtorightaway.

i swear to god...my brain ceases to function when she reaches that level of scream.

i can't see the road. i can't remember what someone was telling me. i can't remember how i got there and who i am. all i know...is that there is a animalistic noise coming from immediately behind me. maybe, this is what happens during the fight/flight response you hear about in nature? maybe, everything ceases to function and you have to instinctually perform your fight/flight response?

apparently i don't have those options as a mommy. legally, i can't knock her silly...or...jump out of the car and run. those would be labeled as abuse or abandonment. and i'm pretty sure that would equal jail time for mommy.

and on a totally unrelated - but somewhat related note...
(mom - why were we talking about me going to jail??)
whatever...my mom mentioned something to belly about me going to jail...i'm sure it was in relation to needing to follow rules (or something totally appropriate like that)...belly said it wouldn't be a problem...'cause daddy can put her to sleep.

apparently...i am completely dispensable.

p.s. sar-bear...ignore this post. don't let the husband read this post. can coconut and i come and visit in a week or so?
p.s.s.why do i feel the need to write "don't read this" es on my posts? maybe it WAS better thinking that no one was actually reading my blog.

what i SHOULD be doing.

dear husband...
please don't read today's entry. really. stop now.

(and if you do...even though i told you not to...) it's all a lie. i made it up to make my bloggy reader(s) laugh. really. i actually cleaned and polished the kitchen floor, did dishes, did laundry, cleaned the windows, shampooed the carpet, cleaned out all the drains in the bathroom, organized the children's sock drawers...this morning. this afternoon...i did more. i don't want to bore you with the details.

i should be cleaning up my house.
i should be organizing my neglected drawers.
i should be taking a nap.

what i AM doing...

picking up the house here and there...
checking email,
playing with the kitties,
stepping OVER girly messes (damn, little people and their zoo/house/park/accessories),
drinking my third fourth cup of coffee,
tinkering around with pictures on photo program...

deciding that i should move onto organization of aforementioned drawers...
putting on the white strips that have probably expired and will now turn my teeth purple (but i like purple!),
deciding that they taste gross and brush them off,
wonder if having an iced coffee would completely irradicate any potential whitening that HAD occurred?? decide it doesn't matter...they were a sample...i didn't buy them. therefore, not a waste of money.
think about blogging about the organization (that i'm planning on doing) and go get camera,
take a picture and decide it just looks stupid anyway,
find earplugs in a drawer (and wonder why i haven't been using these all along...i could have been sleeping for the past 4 years!),
find cough medicine with codeine (aka...sleep),
find (used) pregnancy test from last pregnancy (taken approximately on Sept 5, 2006)...what the hell was i saving that for? seemed appropriate at the time...needed proof...but now?? it's just a stick i peed on...but i still feel guilty throwing it out...took a picture of it with camera.
decided to blog about what has occurred thus far in the day, because i won't get to it after picking up the kids from daycare (aka...sanity)

wrote this post about what i SHOULD be doing...
or what i've done thus far.

gotta go. i've got a lot of scrambling to do. and for the record...I HATE CLEANING.

I WANT A CLEANING LADY...or MAN...i'm not discriminatory.

18 wheels on a big rig...

oh my goodness.

i was laughing thinking about this silly song that i used to hear on my way to work when we lived in virginia. 18 wheels on a big rig.

i came across this you tube video that someone made to the song. too funny.

seriously...if you want to laugh. check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GhQWeZSg9U

more picture fun in the garden

LOVE this picture (and the editing that completed it...) from our escapades in the garden the other day.

i made it into a thank you card for our neighbor that we love...and is somewhat a local celebrity in our household! imagine large picture windows...two little girls that sit there and wait for the "celebrity" to appear. (i'm setting them up for a career as little paparazzi...).

as soon as "she" appears...they both start yelling her name...belly has learned to open the window in her 4 years of stalking admiring our neighbor - so now they can be heard...

"she" turns and waves...

they both start yelling in chorus "hi" or "wanna have a play-date?" or in the case of belly..."wanna play with me while my mommy and daddy take a nap?" (apparently...we were really crabby that day and must have been less-than-stellar parents)...

they watch her every move...

they laugh as she chases her dog...

they wave goodbye to her as she drives away in her car...

or, reluctantly, yell (in chorus) "bye" as she retreats into her house.

and to top it all off...she takes it all in stride (and actually seems to enjoy it, herself)! she waves back, she answers them, she plays with them (she jumps in rain puddles with them) and helps us out in times of need...she's amazing. so we made her this thank you card/picture. just wanted to share.

and on a (kinda funny) side note...when we bought our house...the previous owners mentioned the "nosy" neighbor across the street. they were actually talking about this neighbor! and we joke about it with her now...

it's funny...how some people consider helping out and being involved in another's life - NOSY - while others (-us-) wouldn't want it any other way. i know she is looking out for me and my family...not interfering!

garden fun

(this is supposed to include) some of the fun things in our garden! raspberries, peas, cucumbers, tomatoes, zucchini...(but alas)

argh...i've been trying to insert some pictures of our garden bounty so far this year...but...the uploading is just frustrating me...

so, instead...

some OTHER garden fun that we (tried) to have this morning:

unfortunately, i was bombarded with slightly crabby girly-girls...so the pictures aren't what i was envisioning in my head...a few tweaks with my photo program and this is what we ended up with. i think making them look a little more "antique-y" makes their sour faces and tear-stained eyes not quite as obvious. (didn't people always look serious and slightly sour-puss in old photos?)

apple juice and cookies - stat!

there's nothing like a restless night of sleep interrupted by thunderstorms that woke up belly.

3:30 am...finally got belly back to sleep (boy...does she have a fear of thunder/lightning!) after checking with the weather channel to make sure that the storm was passing.

another hour of so of tossing and turning and then i hear coconut talking in her sleep over the monitor.

quick jump up to check on her...(she usually doesn't talk in her sleep)...a soft sweep of hair out of her face and feel the heat radiating off of her little body. pull her into my arms, grab the thermometer and bring her to bed with me. her hot little self is showing a temp of 101.3. i keep her with me to monitor her temperature. close my eyes thinking about maybe finding someone to watch/play with belly in the morning so that i can focus on coconut.

finally fall asleep.

coconut starts to stir several hours later. cries out in her sleep. i replace the nuk-nuk and start to close my eyes...wishing for just a little more quiet.

CRASH...SCREAM.

i grab coconut and jump out of bed. run to belly's room where she is on her floor. i start to ask if she's ok and she moves her hand away from her chin. and it is covered in blood. there is nothing quite like the color of your own child's blood. it's almost...too red. she saw the blood too...scared her even more.

i jump into action. i call dad to see how quickly he can get to my house. i see my neighbor outside taking out her recycling. i yell for her to see if she can give me some advice. she runs over. belly is sobbing, screaming...i'm holding a tissue against the wound. coconut is frightened by all the commotion (and the fever, i'm sure). neighbor recommends emergency room...the wound seems kinda deep. she offers to watch coconut. i love having a neighbor that will always help in a heartbeat. i quickly administer motrin to coconut, tell neighbor that she loves blueberries and climbing up the slide outside...grab some clothes and put some shorts on belly...under her nightgown. i'm worried about pulling anything over her head.

we jump in the car and run to the nearest hospital...a total of 3 minutes. this is the second time we've needed to get here fast...last time...husband was with me and coconut was coming quickly.

we check in and we wait. she has her vitals taken and we wait. we get registered and we wait.

i'm trying to hide belly from the other patients in the er waiting room. there is a man who has blood (profusely) escaping above his eye. a woman that looks like she is sleeping in a drugged stupor. a mother with a very sick little baby.

i don't want her to get more scared. i try to make her laugh a little.

please don't wake me up like that again tomorrow morning...once a week is good enough.
did you fall out of bed...or did your bearies and puppies (stuffed animals) push you out 'cause it was getting too crowded in there?
boy...you sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

i hold her and stroke her hand...i use my hairband to pull her beautiful blond hair out of her eyes. i get to spend a little time one on one with my first...for the first time, in a long while. i see how brave she is trying to be. i see that she's growing in front of my eyes. i see that she is still my baby.

finally we are brought to a room...where we wait. two nurses...a man and a woman...are amazing. they keep checking on us. the woman randomly brings belly a teddy bear...in her favorite color (light pink) with a pretty daylily on it's belly. the man tells her he has a surprise for her when this is all over. (he made chocolate chip cookies last night...and wants to share one with her.)

the doctor checks it out. we need stitches. nothing else will hold. it's deep. they apply a topical numbing medication. we wait.

belly is so scared. she's crying. she doesn't want to get off my lap. i ask her what she is scared about and she wants to know what it will feel like.

wait...no one wrote that in my parenting handbook! i've only had childbirth related stitches...and seriously...there is no telling what pain came from what following a natural birthing process...i have no idea what stitches actually feel like. how do i answer her?

i tell her we'll ask. i distract her by teaching her to say, "apple juice and cookies - stat!" and teasing that - as soon as they are finished...we're running out the door...no looking back.

doctor comes in and wants her to lay down. i forgot to ask. belly screams that to me as she is fighting the nurse trying to get her to lay on the bed. i ask..."she wants to know what it will feel like". the doctor patiently shows her that it will only feel like a movement or tugging on her skin. she calms. i wrap myself over her body, a giant bear hug. i kiss her knees...she wiggles her toes.

i can see everything. later...i tell her..."now i know that you are just as cute on the inside as you are on the outside." secretly...i can't believe that i watched him sew a needle through my daughter's skin. the mama bear in me was tense and watched every detail to make sure he did it right. (he seemed a little shaky...but who wouldn't be with a mama bear watching?) when he's done, she says, "apple juice and cookies - stat!" they laugh. they leave. (and come back with apple juice and two cookies...) they leave to get paperwork...she does the after-stitches dance...we giggle.

she's gonna be fine. 3 stitches...that's hardly anything. we came home and profusely thanked my amazing neighbor. we put coconut down for nap. we called everyone we know and belly relived the story...("and i didn't even cry when he did the stitches!"). boppa stopped by to check on her and restocked the diet coke supply that mommy desperately needed. we went on a shopping adventure to buy a b-day present for tomorrow's party.

the adrenaline slowly dissipated and the girly-girls are asleep.

here's to hoping that no one falls out of bed tonight. here's to life giving me another opportunity to wear my super-mommy cape. here's to watching my first grow...and realizing that she'll always be my baby. i love you as big as the universe, lil'one.

mama guilt

wow.
i've literally paid for hours upon hours of daycare this summer to hold our spots while on summer vacation and used...oh...only about 6 full days worth.

and it's showing.

(well...in the checkbook) AND in the fact that when i dropped the girly-girls off at daycare, coconut was crying her little eyes out. belly complained the whole way there...i think coconut just thought we were on another escapade. but no...then i turned "the turn"...and she realized in that very instant that being with mama is...
ohsoverymuchmorewonderful-causei'mwithmymama.

and at that very same second...i realized how much i am LOVING being with my girls. and how much i was dreading dropping them off. (even when they are driving me a little bonkers).

please don't get me wrong...we love our daycare "family". our providers are wonderful. friends of family friends that i grew up knowing. in my heart, i know that my girls are loved and well cared for and will be safe with them. but, it's just not..."just us - together - the girls".

and i am feeling major mama guilt on both sides of the picture. i feel mama guilt when i bring them and mama guilt when i pay for it and don't.

the more that i keep them home...the more i feel like, i am slowly losing little bits of me. there are so many things that i've lost in my quest to become a mommy...and SO MANY THINGS I'VE GAINED. but sometimes, those lost things really feel so far away and unattainable. and i kinda miss them. it's a discussion that husband and i have had...i feel like i have had to lose (or should i say, change?) so much of myself in order to be a mommy.

-i haven't had the opportunity to jump aboard a horse in how many years? i used to be a damn good rider. i realize that now...i still cry when i realize how affected i was am by my horse passing on.
-i haven't been able to craft and create something to completion. i have so many unfinished projects that are rearing their potentially beautiful heads as i am organizing my new craft area.
-shopping (which used to be enjoyable - when there were no crowds and it was basically an excuse for aimlessly walking - i had to clarify or my mom and sis would laugh at me for saying i actually like doing it)...has become a logistical nightmare...what is the fastest way from point a to point b that will allow me to find shoes for coconut, find shorts for belly, buy dog food (and manuver it to the car while coconut is in her sling and belly is holding onto my purse) and get home before anyone gets hungry or needs a nap (including mommy).
-i haven't slept through the night in years.
-i have very rarely been able to eat a meal without standing up and getting something or tending to someone in such a long time.
-hell...i haven't been able to sit still in a long time.

i am kinda lost.

but...i realize i have gained my entire reasons for being. maybe all of those other things were just that...things to contentedly get me through life until my two little reasons for being alive arrived. i am a mommy.

i might occasionally miss those other parts of me...but i would miss my girly-girls a hell of a lot more.

don't worry, honey...i'm not about to go out and buy another horse anytime soon...but a pony...or two...hmmmmm...

book suggestions??

we LOVE books. i've generally stuck with picture books with belly (my four year old)...but we recently found a copy of charlotte's web in chapter book form. she really enjoyed reading a chapter (or two) per night.

last night...charlotte died, her 514 babies were born and wilbur discussed how charlotte will always hold a special place in his heart...even though he does fondly love her children and grandchildren...

so...now...

i'm wondering if any of you have suggestions for another chapter book that is appropriate for a 4 year old. something based upon a movie/fairy tale...might be better because she'll have more background knowledge??

thanks in advance...

has anyone noticed that i'm writing very little...and asking A LOT?? apparently i'm spending all of my creative energy in my basement crafting area...and neglecting this little bloggy thing here. (unless, of course, i have a need...then i'm all about asking for assistance!)

i promise...i'll get back to writing about the antics of the lil'ones in my life soon. i'm just having way too much fun enjoying them lately! i forget to write about it!

A.B.C. me.me.me.

ok...i'm not much for thinking today...but felt the need to get some words typed. creative energy needing to be unleashed - but, need to put that creative energy towards some solutions for my crafting area i'm decorating downstairs...so this is a meme i found and i'm filling out for your viewing pleasure...or not.

a. available or single? neither! married (happily) for almost 6 years.
b. best friend? sara (happily) for almost 23 years!
c. cake or pie? depends...usually whichever is made from chocolate...but i have a fondness for strawberry-rhubarb pie...but i've never made it...
d. drink of choice? this week...peach ice tea mixed with raspberry lemonade
e. essential item? my necklace with the girly girls names
f. favorite color? right now i LOVE purple and pink...so i'll go with a magenta as my favorite
g. gummi bears or worms? my sister told me they are made with pigs' feet...so now i'm grossed out by them...just can't do it...don't tell me that jelly beans also have pigs' feet in them...that would ruin it.
h. hometown? minneapolis
i. indulgence? massages, nights out with friends, silly movies at the theater
j. january or february? ever since my february miscarriage several years ago...i don't enjoy that month (and the memories it creates)...so i'll stick with january...it's my birthday month anyways...
K. Kids and names? yes...belly (4) and coconut (1) - maybe someday i'll share their real names...if you don't know them already.
l. life incomplete without? my girls. they are my everything.
m. marriage date? august 24, 2002
n. number of siblings? one - lulu, as she is affectionately called nowadays. (lilliput as she was called at a young age)
o. oranges or apples? either if they are fresh from a tree...and therefore...more often...apples
p. phobias/fears? moths (i hate when they fly at my head), heights
q. favorite quotation? there's one at the bottom of my blog page...or...honestly...i can't nail down one or even two or three...i LOVE quotations...i could read them all day.
r. reason to smile? love...and the many friends and family that i have around to share it with
s. season? i like all four.
t. tag three people: any three that want to follow me on this...
u. unknown fact about me: i have met many entertainers (bands, singers) through my best friend's dad's employers...janet jackson, new kids on the block, weird al, beach boys (a long long time ago).
v. vegetable you hate: cooked peas, belly has introduced me to the wonder that is peasicles...frozen peas...yum.
w. worst habit? organization (or the lack of it)
x. x-rays I've had: hands, wrists, back, legs, lungs
y. your favorite food? sushi, pizza, chocolate (but not all at the same time)
z. zodiac? capricorn

thanks...

thanks for the advice all y'all...

i actually think what i was doing (or attempting to do) is really what is actually working for her! yippee! i AM a succesful parent!

coconut is responding to the nice touches idea. you can actually see her wind-up, stop and think and then use a "nice touch". it's amazing how their little brains work, isn't it?