google searching ... jen wants.

connie over at theyoungandtherelentless just a few days ago wrote a post based on a post ...

in which ...
these women googled "(insert: their name) wants"

they ended up with some funny prospects about what they want ...
so i decided to try it. because i like to steal ideas when i can't think of anything to say ...

apparently, the celebrity jens out there have really messed things up for me.

here ya go. (and please note ... this is not my christmas wish list mom&dad)

the top 20 things that ...
jen wants ...

1. a muzzle
2. human anatomy lessons
3. vampires in her clan
4. to play by the rules
5. a smack daddy
6. to step it up
7. taking out for fun
8. help
9. a meme
10. numbersss
11. to ease up on the lip injections
12. a road bike
13. a hug
14. healing thoughts and prayers
15. to look inside their relationship to see what the cause could have been
16. to be committed real soon before she does something crazy
17. to get OVER it and GET A LIFE!
18. to acknowledge that she got her ass dumped
19. a 929 ASAP stunterzcomer
20. reverse anger management

a rut.

i'm in a rut.
and apparently ... when you google search that phrase, you realize that everyone else is too. at one time or another.

so ... i don't have much to say.

and that could swing the blogging pendulum to good or bad. it's up to you to decide if you want to read along and see what comes of this mindless wandering of words flowing from my hands.

and with that said ... i'm just gonna type and press publish post. no editing. no thinking. just thoughts. and potentially, bullet points. and i may go back and add color or size increases to the words that are singing to me, like usual ... anyways, we'll see what happens ...

i've never been one to overly think and analyze my life and where i am. i've always tried being upbeat and happy about what i'm doing and who i am. but i'm slowly realizing that i'm not sure that i'm who or where i want to be.

i'm stuck in a job that i absolutely love and hate. i spent this morning attempting to write an introductory paragraph about myself for an upcoming conference that i will (possibly) be presenting at. and i was trying to describe me. i wanted to shout
I AM A MOMMY TO THE TWO OF THE LOVELIEST LITTLE GIRLS AROUND!
but that is both incredibly important to who i am and completely unrelated to who i was trying to convey. i wanted to tell the people what i love about my job.
-- i love helping kids learn language and become better communicators.
-- i love watching a child say their first words.
-- i love breaking through to a child with autism and seeing them acknowledge me.
-- i love watching a student get the /r/ sound for the first time! and feel proud that i helped them get there.

but i feel that i'm failing my own kids in the process.

is it better that i reach out to 60 kids than to my own two?

i hate ... absolutely hate ... watching and seeing kids that don't reflect that they are being loved at home.
i'm sure that they are loved. everyone is. right?

are my girls gonna grow up thinking that they weren't because i shipped them off to play with someone else while i helped some other kids?

a few days ago ... my daycare provider was mentioning how fun it is to watch cora talking. (oops ... i said i wasn't going to edit ... that slipped. ignore it.) she said ...

"don't blink."

and i think i have. i've blinked and missed things.

my oldest daughter is going into *kindergarten* next year. she is going to be five years old.

is that what this rut is all about?

i'm watching these little beings develop and grow and mature and i can't fucking stop time long enough to breathe it all in. i can't bottle this (now) so that i can break open the seal in 50 years to remember who they were. at this exact moment in time. blogging is my attempt. but i can't, often enough, drop everything and just -write- in order to capture what it was that i wanted to say. and then i miss it. or forget about it. the memory gets placed in the store file of my brain. where, most likely, it will get covered in dust and forgotten about.

i want to stop everything and just stay at home with them and thrive off of their newness and discoveries and walk stella (oops again ... staying true to my word.) to school on that first day ... or maybe drive her.

because at this point ...
i have no idea where she is going to go. i always thought i did.

-- neighborhood school? yes ... but.
i work in our school district. i know that it isn't where i need her to be.
-- my school? yes ... but.
i don't want her love of life and learning to be smashed because of someone else's behavior.

i know my child. i know that if she saw another student throw a chair at the teacher on the first day of school ... she would be mortified and disturbed by it. it would bother her beyond all measure. it bothers me. she would bottle up that fear. she wouldn't talk about it for a few days ... she wouldn't sleep. it would all come tumbling.out.in.a.mess.of.tears.and.sobs.and.fear.
i don't want that.

at an open house last night ... i remarked to the teacher giving us a tour.

"i know that every parent thinks that their child is smart. and i don't want to sound like that parent. but ... i am. my child knows her numbers and her letters. she understands beginning level math concepts and is beginning to read and write. what is your school prepared to do to help foster and encourage her development, rather than making her wait for the kids that aren't ready?"

and she had the right answer. but our odds in the lottery to get in, aren't so hot. (please cross your fingers for me?)

they have their students make birthday baskets to send to homeless shelters for children. they expect (and make their parents sign!) agreements to be involved. they take the students outside to pick up the neighborhood and leave mayday baskets for the surrounding community.

they foster so much more than just the typical get through the day and teach the kids what is being tested. they want the kids to be successful at life. and that is what i want for my daughter. that is all that i ask for.

so now ... if you made it this far ... i thank you for listening and letting me pour out my heart. and i'm sorry that you had to listen to the randomness of it. but thank you.

what i really want to remember about today? i don't want to remember this feeling of being in a rut. i want to remember that two days ago ... on december 10th. stella came home from daycare knowing this.

MOM upside down is WOW

and i hope she believes it.

sign of a true friend.

while attending a birthday party at my grandmother's apartment building ... coconut remarked quite loudly ... "poop" while pulling at her pants ... which means that she has to go potty.

sidenote ... damn potty training. i swear ... i have been blessed with two girly-girls that decide to potty train themselves at the ripe ol' age of one. seriously. now ... don't start hating. it is a pain in the ass. because at one? there isn't much of a bladder ... and they need to pee constantly. and from a speech-language pathologist ... can someone please help me get her to say "potty" rather than screaming "POOP!" in the middle of where-ever we happen to be??? argh.

so we quickly gathered ourselves (and the older sister ... because apparently their bladders must. work. together.) and moved towards the restroom.

the restroom that had to be cleaned like there was no tomorrow. blech. i cannot even type out vocabulary that would describe the stench emanating from that room. it was horrendous. it was ...
oh.my.god.i.cannot.breathe.get.me.out.of.this.hell. ... stink.

but ... there out of the corner of my eye ... i saw a flash of pink.

it was raisin.

(confused, yet?)

or more specifically, raisin minneapolis wallet. the beloved doll of my belly's bestfriend.

i screamed (without breathing) ... GRAB RAISIN! GET HER OUT OF HERE!

we exited the bathroom from hell. forgot about the whole peeing thing. and called bestfriend's mom.

"do you know where raisin is??"
"we lost her!"
"we have her!"
"ohmyfarkinggod. jen and the girls have raisin!"
there were cheers of joy!
"we have been looking all over for her!"
there was a wee bit of sobbing occurring. (from mom of bestfriend. she's pregnant. need i say more?)

note ... i don't think she actually said, "ohmyfarkinggod" ... but it added emotion AND it was fun to type. but everything else is true.

and they were reunited later that evening.

my grandmother and bestfriend's dad's grandfather happen to live in the same building ... so it's not like we completely randomly just found the baby doll somewhere in the city.

but, what i find really amazing is that ... it was very evident to me that a sign of a true friend ... for your child is when you would be able to pick out the friend's most very prized possession and you would risk yours and your offspring's lungs to save it.

why.

beep beep beep beep beep ...

public service announcement.

you should never leave an 18 19 month old alone while you

quickly

check the loads of blog posts that have accumulated in your google reader over the last several days when you have been neglecting your blogging duties.

this concludes our public service announcement.

(yes ... that is a bajillion straws that were strewn about my house ... and yes ... this was prior to the removal of the carpeting ... but i just saw it and it made me laugh. a little late, but fun nonetheless. and they kinda looked like snow when she threw them into the air and watched them float down to the ground. which reminds me ... SNOWING. and STICKING to the ground. oh yes ... winter is here. and right now ... i kinda like it. give me a few weeks.)

jingle bells. and the quest to find one.

last night, belly intently watched polar express.
she's seen the movie before ... but not with as much conviction as was observed last evening. following the final few scenes in which the boy gets a bell from santa ... she wondered aloud.

do all kids get bells from santa?
will i get a bell from santa??
mama, why did that boy get a bell???

at that exact moment in time ... in my head ... i realized ...

it is so time to milk (and cookie) this santa-guy for everything i can.
oh yes.
we're on.

my mom and dad got this opportunity so long ago. now ... it's my turn.

i replied ...
hmmm. well that boy was a very very special boy. he must have done so many wonderful things for others. santa only hands out a few of those bells. only the most special and thoughtful of the children get them.

and it started to backfire ...
(with tears in her eyes) well, i wasn't very nice to coconut tonight. so i won't get a bell ... and i really really want a bell. (the tears were pouring now) so it doesn't matter what i do ... i won't get a bell.

shite ... c'mon mama, come up with something!
well ... honey. did you know that santa can see when you make things better? if you are polite and apologize to the people that you hurt. he'll see that and maybe will realize that you are trying your hardest. i don't know ... i think you might just get a bell ... especially if you can keep up this good attitude. it makes mommy and daddy and santa so proud.

and now ... at the sign of an impending outbreak ... i just sing. or hum a tune.

*he sees you when you're sleeping * he knows when you're awake *

*he knows if you've been bad or good * so be good for goodness sake *

and now?? i have to find a bell. or i will SO be screwed for next year.

**image courtesy of google image

coconutbelly holiday newsletter - spin cycle

spriteskeeper gave us the challenge of writing a holiday letter for our spin cycle this week. i'm taking this opportunity to write the letter that i would never never *ever* send. in a million years. because it ended up being me COMPLAINING. which i absolutely hate to do. i tend to pride myself in being one of those glass half full or silver lining kind of people... (yes ... i know ... gag.)

and please don't attempt to go back through my posts to make me feel bad that i may have complained once or twice ... i realize that i probably have, in a moment of desperation, complained about something or other. it was either complain to the one person that actually read this thing ... or complain to my husband. which would end up frustrating him, most likely. so ... there. just leave it alone.
i like to think that i AM a positive thinking personality. just agree with me. m-kay?

and now ... onto the letter that we should all just ignore. and maybe i will post another spin cycle with a letter that more closely resembles our lives. with no further ado ... adeiu ... adieu ...

here's the damn letter.
--------------------------------------------------
dear friends and family ...
wow. what a crazy busy year it's been.
we, here, at the coconutbelly household have been basically just trying to make it, alive, into 2009. so far, so good.
since we've all changed so incredibly much since last year ... we thought we would take this opportunity to update you!

belly is now 4 and a half. she has managed to grow exponentially this year, and we are no longer completely sure that we can afford to feed and clothe her. we started the year in a size 4T. currently we are reworking her wardrobe to include mostly 6x. (that's a 4 size increase for the estrogen-challenged out there.)
she eats. and eats. and when she isn't eating ... she's crabby ... probably a low blood sugar thing. (perhaps ... we should feed her more often?)
her attitude is currently resembling that of a 15 year old. (which is an 11 year increase, for the mathematically challenged out there.) she has learned to follow any remotely attitude-filled comment with an "i love you." and we generally fall for it. and then she backs that up by screaming at us ...
--especially when she is tired. which is all. the. time. because she doesn't fall asleep until late hours due to a nap that needs to go away at daycare.
--and when things don't go her way. which is pretty much all. the. time. because you can do exactly what she asked and it will be wrong.
--and when her sister does something that she doesn't want her to do. which is all. the. time. because see above and below.

speaking of her sister, lil' miss coconut. our 1 and a half year old crazy chicken. for awhile we thought it was cute that our little coconut was a mover and a shaker. now we are just tired. no-one has ever agreed to take both of the girls at the same time overnight. so i have yet to spend a night away from her. (which is both totally awesome and totally horrendous at. the. same. time.)
she still manages to suck on a nuk-nuk. and we haven't even remotely started breaking her of that habit, yet. honestly ... it's because we are too tired.
she gets into everything. everything. including our bed on a nightly basis. and everything goes in her mouth. everything.
she has managed to sleep through the night a total of 4 times. in a year and a half. did i mention that i am tired? (at least my husband gets to get away and maybe sleep occasionally at his job ... or at least, that's what i dream that he does ...)

speaking of which ... husband is currently in a job that he dislikes.
but, like i tell him ... "you picked it! it's not my fault that you decided that being a pilot would be fun. it's not my fault that you fell in love with me and decided to have 2 children. it's not my fault that you thought that you could be a not-tied-down single pilot jetsetting around the world. now could you please stop and pick up some milk on the way home?"
he has a "crash pad" in new york city. which would be totally cool ... if it wasn't a room in a random house where about 20 other male pilots live. and the only extra set of sheets that we weren't using at our real house (so, therefore, the ones that had to travel to nyc with him) were rainbow colored. and scratchy. which i'm sure makes him look totally rockin' at the crash pad.

me ... well. is there really much to talk about? i wish i could finally lose the baby-weight. (screw you ... i'm still gonna call it baby-weight ... i don't give a shit that said-baby is almost two.)
which is kinda not really fun because a bunch of "friends" and i are trying to hold each other more accountable by checking in with each other at our websites. and email. which means that i could completely lie ... but won't
did i mention??, i blog now. (time suck that it is.)
i, now, have a bunch of new internet based friends. which my husband considers totally weird ... because i have never met a single one of them.
by the way ... don't ask for the address ... then i can't complain about you online. really. it wouldn't be good.
i sincerely like my job and absolutely hate my job. all! atthe! same! time! which perpetuates a lot of confused emotion on a daily basis. in all actuality, i really only love my job during extended holiday breaks. most days ... we are running at least 10 minutes behind and i have managed to yell at one or both of my children by 7:00 am.
i think that my pitfall is in the mindset that ... after i put my children in the care of someone else (who may or may not be more competent than i, at times...) then i go and take care of other people's children. say what?? it does sound a wee bit silly when it's put like that, doesn't it?

i'm sure the coconutbelly zoo (aka the animals overrunning our home due to this mama's maternal needs during pregnancies) is happy to see us leave, most mornings. i'm guessing they mostly sleep. on the illegal couch. or in the tree.

speaking of which. would someone please drive by the house to make sure that the tree is still standing? and that i turned off the christmas lights? thanks!

looking forward to sleeping in 2009!
and wishing you a less chaotic than ours and more rested than ours holiday and new year.

peace.
--coconutbelly

before i forget ...

because it makes me giggle.

someone (in british columbia - darn canukidans.) came upon my blog through the search phrase ...

how to keep lint sticking from my lulu pants

oh yeah.

i have no idea what they were really after with that one. pretty sure i wasn't it though ... and neither was my post about belly starting dance class. at this point ... i'm a wee bit thankful to have switched off the ability to google me. it was a teeny bit scary seeing what would bring people here.

so, now it's just you and me ... pull up a seat, grab a cup of coffee (if it's morning), take a swig of tequila (if it's evening) or vice versa ... what's up?

by the way ... someone forgot to cc me on the message that ... it! is! december! ALREADY! ? crap.
holy granola batman ... i have a lot to do.

and to all of my canadian readers: canukidan is a term of endearment. i used to live with a canukidan ... and to this day ... she is one of the most wonderful people i have ever known.