you wiggle your nose when you nurse. and other observations i've made in our mere 9 months together.

you do.
your nose makes this little twitch twitch twitch as you drink.  it's funny.  i hadn't noticed it before this week.  though i'm fairly certain you've done it all along.
it's just that we've gotten to this lovely point during our nursing journey where feeding isn't difficult or time consuming.  it's just lovely.  and easy.  and i enjoy it.

you wiggle.
out of seats.  out of highchairs.  out of strollers.  out of my arms.
you are bound to be much-more of a mover than your sisters were.  are. 
(why didn't any of you moms of boys mention this little fact?  and yes.  anymommy.  i'll be bolting everything to the walls.  thanks for the heads up.)

you love being with the boys.
daddy.  boppa. 
they are your go-to-guys.  you just want to be with them.  doing whatever.  doing nothing.  you will gladly push yourself out of mama's arms to crawl over to them.  unless you are hungry.  or thirsty.  then see the first paragraph of this post.

you observe everything.
you are a watcher.  and i'm pretty sure that you are internally categorizing everything that you see so that you can perform those tasks when the appropriate occasion arrives. 

your swing your feet when you are bored.
as you sit or balance upon my hip or hang out in someone's arms ... your feet swing.  back and forth. 

your eyes are brightest when watching the people that you love.
those beautiful blues shine when you are watching us.  your family.  there is no denying the deep love that you have for your sisters.  and mama.  and  ... of course ... dada.  and those family members that you have absolute trust in.

your laugh is infectious. 
it makes my days shine.
i can't imagine a life without you. 

i love you bubbers. 
xoxo.  mama.

i'm so busy, i hired pumpkin carvers this year.

with everything going on in my life ... (ohwoeisme!) ... i just couldn't stand the idea of having to carve my own pumpkins this year. 

gah!
the time involved!
and the mess!
 and the sharp utensils!

so i hired some help.

so, yeah.  they're a little messy.  but they are extremely productive.  they practically work 'round the clock!  though i have noticed a few squabbles here and there.

they work for peanuts pumpkin seeds, i tell ya!  totally affordable.

and they are pretty cute!  in a rodent-y sorta way. 

and they bring their own tools for the job. 

i think they do a fairly nice job, don't you?  let me know if you need their contact information!

think of the things that you could do with that extra time not spent carving pumpkins with the children!

unless, of course, your children prefer faces and such on their jack o lanterns.

(think my kids will notice if i just pop a tealight in that gaping hole on halloween?)

orange you glad...

quick lunch.
handed over to finn the BEST TEETHING TOY EVAH. 

(thanks nici for the idea.)

while standing in my green kitchen with amber-orange accents.  because i wanted an orange kitchen.  and jeremy wanted something less-bold.  but i still got my orange.

quick look to my left ... and wow.

apparently i surround myself with orange.  a lot.

or i feed my kids a lot of orange.  maybe.

and as i stood there ... i grabbed my camera to capture the moment ...

because over at i should be folding laundry

you capture this week was all about orange.

and although i'm late to the party ... my kitchen is pretty much evidence that i should join in.

and now ... i'm about to run back to a thrift store where i spotted an orange le crueset pan on thursday.

and i'm hoping it's still there.

because according to pamela ... i need it.

i figure if i'm still thinking about it 3 days later ... it will be fate if it's still there.

in related, yet unrelated news ...

i've finally realized what it's like to be that bus driver that drove me to camp each year.

three children. 

backseats.

singing row row row your boat in a round.  because finn loves him some row row row your boat.  (it is just about the only thing that stops him from crying instantly.)

oh ... and don't forget the newest version ... fall fall fall is here.

and singing some quite possibly made up version of (but probably not ... thank you first grade) song from your childhood that cycles through verses by just changing the first sound of the nonsense words. 

fee fi fiddley-i-o.  fee fi fiddley-i-oh-oh-oh-oh, fee fi fiddley-i-oooooooohhhhhhhhh.  fee fi fiddley-i-oh.
something something /f/.  something something do! (insert new sound here.)

for the record - first graders don't like when you request "x".

oh yeah.

that was a super fun 12 minutes.  of my life.  that i will never. get. back.

a letter to my husband on a day 9 days past his actual 36th birthday.

dear husband,

i fretted a little knowing that i hadn't bought you a birthday present the day before your birthday. 

and then the washing machine not-so-lovingly obliged by disintegrating it's motor (in a rather smelly fashion)... which forced me to realize that it was almost better that i had yet to spend money on you ... because ... well ... you were about to get a new washing machine for your birthday!

and then, that afternoon ... the garbage disposal died.  and ... yippee!  you were going to get one of those too!

and yet?  we celebrated you turning a number that can be rounded up to forty

with a gigantic leaf pile, a bonfire, hotdogs and s'mores. 

because that's what you wanted.

topped off with family.  and friends who are LIKE family.

because you realize THAT is what is most important in your life.

oh.  and cheetos.

because cheetos.  are important.  and yummy.

and messy.

and every year i think back on how i've always wanted to get you

something that's really you for your birthday.

about how i thought about that when we were dating.

and when we were first married.

how i would love to give you a grand present.

one that i had to scrimp and save secretly for.

something that could surprise you.

and how i woulda thought i could have done that by now.

and i sit here and realize ...

that truly?

what you want.  is already here.

your wishes have evolved to include things like me.

and these three beautiful children that we have created and love.  together.

and time to enjoy them.

 though i'm pretty sure that you would still take that corvette if i could afford it.

you are truly the love of my life.
happy birthday.

appleorchardchomp

appleorchardchomp, originally uploaded by jenniferlivolson.

popping in to share a picture from last year's apple orchard escapade.
unfortunately, this year our favorite orchard lost quite a few apple trees due to an early season frost.
so we never made our yearly trek there.

oh. that. and the lovely chaos that is our life ...

did you have any idea that mothering three kids, working and starting a business would be this crazy?why didn't you warn me?

have you heard?
the photography business is offically underway!
pop over here if you have a moment to see what i've been up to!
http://www.jenniferlivphotography.com/

(you have no idea how excited i am to share that link with you.)

oh. and back to the original story ...
i had to dig in my archives for an orchard picture to share.
my nephew. cute as can be.
i had a bit of fun editing ... doing things differently and more creatively than i would usually.
it feels good to sometimes play around with editing, rather than just edit for others ...
and this was a welcome break today.

check out i heart faces for more orchard pictures.

sucky moms don't make cookies.

right?

i have felt like such an utter failure as a parent as of late.  and maybe that coincides with the hell that is also known as six.  or my last post's unknowns.  or feeling overwhelmed and crazy.  and silly for taking on things that satisfy passions in me.  but make less time for my kiddos.  (oh.  and dishes.  and laundry.)

and maybe that's why i've been kind of silent around here.  there are so many out there online that make this life look like a piece of cake.  all while making cakes.  and selling them.  and eating them.  and working out so that the cake doesn't make an appearance on their ass.  and they actually can get all the stains out of their childrens' clothing FROM the cakes.  and their cakes are bea-u-tiful (and don't just look like a cake PLASTERED with grey-ish frosting to make it look like an elephant for your turning one year old and is potentially what sent grandma into the hospital where it was determined that she has diabetes and it's probably your cake that sent her into a sugar overdose and from that day forward it is known and referred to as the diabetes cake.  oh.  i've never told you that story?)

tangent much?
so ... if for some crazy reason you've been reading along on this here blog and you think that maybe (just maybe) coconutbelly land is a land of constant beauty and perfection.  you are terribly wrong folks. 

because here?

i think it's a pretty darn good day if i made it through without yelling.

which i failed at tonight ... but it had been THREE DAYS.  three whole and complete days without raising my voice. 

so tonight i need to remind myself that i am a good mom. 

because sucky moms don't make cookies.
proof that i'm not superty sucky ...


let's get one thing straight ... do you even know HOW to make cookies?



surpervised flour usage.

the pouring of the flour.  (i still can't believe i let her do it.  by herself.)  ok fine.  minimal help.  like counting. 
and reading the directions.  she's three y'all.  and we never invested in that baby reading program.

three year old.  cracking eggs.  holy granola.  hard not to step in on that one.

except for egg shell removal.

looks like somebody doesn't want to miss watching mom making attempts at homemakerishness.



back to work.  by the way ... juggling a 24 pound baby while taking pictures of another child making cookies?
now THAT should be a girl scout badge.



be still my heart.  i love chocolate chips. 

the perfectionist in me reallyREALLY wanted to step in.  but the mom in me wanted to watch her do it.
look at her face.
she's so concentrated.

and proud.
of her glops of cookie dough.
and for the record ... she may or may not have licked her fingers when i wasn't looking.
now you know.

guilty of licking fingers.
also guilty of removing the hat that was supposed to be left on for
mommy-didn't-have-time-to-do-my-hair-this-morning reasons.

guilty of being cute ...



see what i mean?
glops.  pre-baked.



glops.
post-baked.
"hello?  i'm on the phone here."



"i don't know.  she just keeps taking pictures of me with a pan of cookies.  yeah.  weird.  she mentioned something about not being a sucky mom.  whatev."



"haha.  they're distracted.  now's my chance to get out of this chair and steal paperish things off the refrigerator."

i've always called them my friends.

ever since she was old enough to question what i do.
my friends, i call them.

these friends whose hands i hold in hallways.
whose buttons i help snap.
whose faces i watch for signs of needs because they can't quite express it with a voice.

friends who fall into spectrums.
and that carry extra chromosomes.
friends that have no voice.
and whose voices are misunderstood.

these are my ... friends.

because i never thought about it.
and i thought that sounded nicer than patients.
or clients.

friends.

she corners me after a fit of 6 year old proportions. 

a night full of attitude.
and comments declaring unfairness in life and siblinghood.
a night that makes me feel like a failure as a parent.

she says he asked her if they could be best friends.
this boy that she doesn't really want to be friends with.
not because she doesn't like him ... but because her friends wouldn't.
and i can tell it's been eating her alive.

why wouldn't it?
this rulebound thinker of mine.
i'm sure she sees me.  walking through the hallway.  holding their hands. being loving.  being patient.  being tolerant.  helping them with the simplest of things.  teaching them to talk.  teaching them to make and be friends.

and yet.  i'm realizing that there is a whole 'nother side to this life.

she's struggling with being like mom who cherishes niceness and love above everything else while still maintaining her true peer friendships.
and just plain not looking weird.

because it's hard to look weird when people  you are nice to ...
also known as friends ...
drool on your homework.  orstandssuperuncomfortablyclosetoyou.  or can't even unbutton their own pants.
or lay screaming on the floor in the middle of the hallway.  because they didn't get the green m&m.

so ... tell me.
how in the world do i teach tolerance while still validating her feelings of uncomfortable?
and also ...
why do i have to figure this out already?

because it's not just about me (and my friends) anymore.