blue.

it's a funny thing.  blue... 
that last post was all about blue.  about my quest to find blue in my life.  about how the bluest thing that i have around me are all the blue-ish eyed people. 

and then ...

blue.

i convinced husband that i needed ... wanted ... to know who this little one growing inside me is.  so BU (before ultrasound) ... i came to him with my list of reasons.  the top reason being that i feel out of control.  my job is crazy.  my life is crazy.  and i felt like having control of this knowledge ... would help solidify my world. 

i felt all girl.  all along.  absolutely positively convinced girl.  her name was violet.  or hanna. 

but ... blue.

the ultrasound technician asked if we wanted to know.  i said that it isn't our primary purpose in having an ultrasound ... so it's not necessary to search for the answer. 
she barely laid the magic wand on my ever expanding belly and the first picture we saw of our little ... was ...

blue.

all boy.

stella ... the ever love of my life ... sat quietly down.  the girl that is ever entranced with all things baby was quiet and subdued.  she had spent countless hours over the past few months wishing for another bit of pink.  i could tell she was devastated.  and it absolutely broke my heart into a billion pieces.  scattering them upon the floor.  flowing out through tears. 

blue.

i spent all day, yesterday ... crying.  not because i don't love this little ... boy ... but because i'm all of a sudden feeling this complete ineptitude at parenting.  i know NOTHING about boy.  i grew up in a family of girls.  i've lived my whole life in a family of girls.  my husband leaves to fly his airplanes ... and it's just me and the girls.  i don't really even like the color blue.  i really don't like feeling blue. 

and i think my whole world is turning upside down.  and i'm trying my best to realize that this isn't what is important.  so many people across this world would give anything to be in my shoes right now.  and i see myself ... and i realize how ridiculous this is.  i see that i'm just being silly.  shallow.  absurd.  just plain dumb.

but i can't help being a bit nervous of what's to come.  and beating myself up over feeling this way.

cora's blue eyes

cora's blue eyes, originally uploaded by jenniferlivolson.

blue. it's a challenge that has proven to be really hard for me.

i live with two of the pinkest girly-girls around ... that seem to believe that blue is a "boy" color.
i live in a land of 10,000 lakes ... most of which are green and muddy.
i am drawn to subdued yellows and oranges and greens ... i shy away from bright bold colors.

but i married the man of my dreams. and one of the very many reasons that i love him ... are his blue eyes.

such a silly thing ... but i always wanted to find a blonde haired blue eyed handsome man. i've always wanted to have blonde haired blue eyed little girls around me. and ... yes ... i realize how shallow that seems. i'm sharing my innermost dreams here, folks. i haven't ever shared this until my dreams became realized. it's who i am.

and so ... i share my littlest's oceanic blue eyes with you ... for this challenge.

keeping in mind that this is a sooc (straight out of the camera) shot ... other than a minor cropping. i see her soul when i see this picture. a bit of an impish grin peeking from behind those blue eyes. perpetual motion ... but the greatest dear that you have ever met. the first to make sure that everyone around her is ok. the wee one that told me she loves the baby in my tummy this morning. my cora.

entering this photo at i {heart} faces ...

in the blue challenge ...

check out all of the other beautifully blue entries over here.

what is that manuever called that swimmers do to turn around in their lane?

i think this baby is destined for swimmer-dom.

it's the most bizarre thing ever.  and i'm not sure that i paid attention to it quite so vividly with my girly-girls.  with stella ... it was new and exciting and fun to watch my belly turn flips as i was drifting off to sleep.  with cora ... she was a stretcher.  little jabs here and there.  only during awake times.  but this baby ... my last baby ... i'm much more aware of the movements within me.  i've felt baby for some time now.  far before any reasonable doc would agree that it was baby movements.  (a simple reason why i love my midwife ... she's always believed me.)

this baby woke me in the middle of the night with those swimmer flips.  making me feel like i was aboard a ship crashing through the waves in the ocean.  and it was so ... amazing ... to sit there in the dark with my hands on my belly ... feeling little motions ... and knowing ... KNOWING ... that at that moment ... everything is ok.

i think anyone that has lost a baby always feels like there is this potential heartache always lurking in the darkness.  you can be so happy and thankful ... and yet ... you are never sure that you will feel completely safe until the baby is held in your arms.  there's no cure for that ...

so i relished in those kicks and jabs and somersaults for a good half hour.  at a time when my body needed sleep.  and i envisioned the late night feedings while rocking in our wooden rocking chair.  i thought about the nursery and what i want to do to get it ready.  i thought about our ultrasound next week and pondered on wanting to know if it's a girl or boy or waiting to be surprised.  i whispered lovelies to this little person.  letting her (or him) know how excited we are to watch our family become complete. 

as she (or he) settled in ... i closed my eyes and let myself finally fall asleep ... knowing that right now ... everything is just the way that it is meant to be ...

and realizing that the experience of turbulant waters make the calm feel oh-so-much-better ...

candid

candid, originally uploaded by jenniferlivolson.

entering this photo at i {heart} faces ...

in this week's candid challenge.

  

little miss coconut ... had no idea that i had turned back towards her after snapping pictures of the surrounding rose garden ...

and i caught her in the act of splashing the fountain water ... which i had specifically asked her not to do ... oh ... about 18 times already.

but this one. last. splash. put so much joy on her face ... i could hardly be mad.

stinker.

recognition.

wow.

see that last picture down there?  the one that i entered into the i {heart} faces challenge focusing on contemplation? 

well ... i ... got 10th place.  and i couldn't be more excited and giddy and ... fulfilled ... than i am right now.  because ...

i kinda {heart} the i {heart} faces website.  i feel like i get this amazing opportunity to see really beautiful photographs from hundreds of different photographers.  i get to learn tips and tricks and more than that ... see what other people are doing ... some newbies and some that are so obviously professionals. 

and i've always wanted to be that.

in high school ... many many moons ago.  i took a photography course.  so not the digital-ish photography that is decidely popular now.  and i took pictures of everything and anything.  i loved the feel of a camera in my hands.  i loved having my hands in a dark box, uncovering the film that held hidden treasures and creeping into a darkroom as a reddish light hovered above, to bring those captures to life.  the flash of light as it spilled through the film ... onto a completely blank sheet of photographic paper.  i loved inhaling the scent of the chemical baths as i quietly and patiently rocked a tray back and forth waiting for that first glimpse of what i had seen through my lens. 

i was good at it. 
and the thought of doing something someday with my life that involved the ability to do that?  astounded me.
and i told people around me about my desire to do something that involved me holding a camera. 
and all i ever heard in return was prompting to do something that i could get paid for.

so i did.  as a hobby ... i always loved having my camera in my hands ... although, i never got back into that darkroom.  after my oldest daughter was born ... we upgraded to a digital camera.  and i took so many pictures of her.  constantly wanting to capture every moment with her.  but ... always missing that perfect moment.  because it never took the picture when i thought it should. 

and my husband watched me.  and he truly understood that i loved seeing my children through my lens.  and he secretly acquired and presented to me ... what i can truly say is one of my prized possessions.  my newest camera.
and i took pictures of my children ... and the camera caught what i wanted it to catch.  it's a beautiful thing. that shutter speed.

and with his prompting ... he has supported the renewing love that i have with photography.  which has brought me to this place ... where i entered pictures that i think are beautiful ... but i often do so with an awkward shyness.  with the knowledge that in this world, i have so much to learn about what i'm doing.  and i have these amazing supportive friends (you and you and you) who show up and encourage me and say good job!  and beautiful picture!  and if this were effbook, i'd fan you.  and although i love all of you ... i'm pretty sure that you would say those things if i put up a crappy picture of my girls picking their noses.

but ... it's that recognition.

someone else telling me that i'm doing this something that i love to do ... with a success of some sort.

and it doesn't take money or blue ribbons or promises of olive juice to make me feel any more proud of myself than i do today.

so ... thanks.
thanks for encouraging me ... thanks for sharing your kind words ... thanks for recognizing me.

you will never understand how appreciated you are.

** click here to see all of the beautiful entries ... and click here to see the winners.  enjoy.

lulu is ... contemplative

lulucontemplative, originally uploaded by jenniferlivolson.

my sister. my absolutely gorgeous sister.
i don't speak of her much on here. probably because she is the least public person that i know. which would probably send her friends in to a fit of hysterics, given that she is most likely completely different around them.
however ... a better adjective could not have been created to describe her.
contemplative.

she spends much time in quiet contemplation.

occasionally (ha!) reaching for her cell phone ... updating her facebook status or texting a friend.
and the funniest part is that even her facebook stati (note ... i'm totally staking claim for that plural form of status.) don't give much information into her true feelings.

for example ...
"Oops..."
or
"Is Not in the Mood."
or
"So bored I'm eating asparagus."

ok ... so maybe not all of her contemplation is heavy. but it is just kinda who she is.  and it makes me giggle beyond belief.

she's not a talker contemplative person ... she's a thinker and a non-sharer. (except on facebook maybe.)
and ... in the end it doesn't matter ... because she's ours. my sister. my girly-girl's auntie. my mom's baby.

i have to be really sneaky trying to capture photos of her with her nieces. because she tends to hide behind someone or something ... or at the very least ... hide her emotion behind a silly face. 

so this day ... at the zoo ... she was contemplating sea otters. or maybe asparagus? i don't know. but ... i was attempting to capture pictures of her with the girly-girls ... you know?  so i could someday prove to them that their auntie did truly enjoy spending time with them.  and i caught this.  i found this photo to be so ... striking. and a funny glimpse into her whozits and whatzits...

love ya lulu.

oh ... and by the way ... believe it or not ... this photo is being entered in to i {heart} faces ... contemplative challenge.



because ... apparently ... photos (oh yeah ... and the girls and the husband and the work and the farmer's market and ... life ...) are all i really have time for anymore.

pet (?) entry ...

giraffe, originally uploaded by jenniferlivolson.

entered at i {heart} faces ...


because i can.

i mean ... we paid our $5.00 to feed the thing ... i think i should be allowed to call it our "pet" for the day ...

although there is absolutely NO CHANCE that this darling is going to be coming to stay overnight here at the household zoo anytime soon.

i don't have tall enough ceilings.

"So, they sent me a giraffe. But, he was too tall. I sent him back." anyone??