and just like that ...
fall rolls in.
quicker than i can stand up anymore after being knocked down by a bout of depressive sad thoughts (that aren't true depression but feel like it sometimes) ... the autumn rolls itself back in to my life.
and with it?
my mood lightens.
i need this change of season in my life. i need the wind and the cool temperatures and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet just as much as i needed the sand between my toes and the flowers budding on the trees ... and hell ... i even kinda sorta needed that first scarf wrapped around my neck and that first snowfall and that first breath of air cold enough to make me gasp.
i feel the heaviness of the season upon me just as i'm about to lose it ... just as i'm about to watch something change and become something new and it throws me down on the ground and stomps on me a little bit. and then i feel crappy and bad and sad and introspective. and then just as i'm realizing that this is too much ... and my fingers tappity tap the feelings out of my body ...
then the change generally happens.
night falls. the morning sun rises. and i am given a glimpse of what is coming.
the past two days ... that glimpse has been warm coffee cup. a sweater or sweatshirt. the pull to the colors orange and red and brown and mustard. the scanning of the recipe book for soups and stews. sliding my hand across flannel sheets in the closet and unrolling my pants from capris to jeans once again. i want to drink apple cider and pull apples from a tree. i want to find my mom's antique school desk and take pictures of stella and cora in their new school digs. i want to layer sweaters and find a way to make myself look pretty in scarves.
i'm off to step outside into that cool burst of air. and breathe it all in.
self portraits are hard, yo.
but it's been a skill i'm trying to get better at ... because i'm going to succeed at putting myself in front of the camera so that my kids can see me someday.