that last post was all about blue. about my quest to find blue in my life. about how the bluest thing that i have around me are all the blue-ish eyed people.
and then ...
i convinced husband that i
i felt all girl. all along. absolutely positively convinced girl. her name was violet. or hanna.
but ... blue.
the ultrasound technician asked if we wanted to know. i said that it isn't our primary purpose in having an ultrasound ... so it's not necessary to search for the answer.
she barely laid the magic wand on my ever expanding belly and the first picture we saw of our little ... was ...
stella ... the ever love of my life ... sat quietly down. the girl that is ever entranced with all things baby was quiet and subdued. she had spent countless hours over the past few months wishing for another bit of pink. i could tell she was devastated. and it absolutely broke my heart into a billion pieces. scattering them upon the floor. flowing out through tears.
i spent all day, yesterday ... crying. not because i don't love this little ... boy ... but because i'm all of a sudden feeling this complete ineptitude at parenting. i know NOTHING about boy. i grew up in a family of girls. i've lived my whole life in a family of girls. my husband leaves to fly his airplanes ... and it's just me and the girls. i don't really even like the color blue. i really don't like feeling blue.
and i think my whole world is turning upside down. and i'm trying my best to realize that this isn't what is important. so many people across this world would give anything to be in my shoes right now. and i see myself ... and i realize how ridiculous this is. i see that i'm just being silly. shallow. absurd. just plain dumb.
but i can't help being a bit nervous of what's to come. and beating myself up over feeling this way.