Thursday, October 1, 2009

blue.

it's a funny thing.  blue... 
that last post was all about blue.  about my quest to find blue in my life.  about how the bluest thing that i have around me are all the blue-ish eyed people

and then ...

blue.

i convinced husband that i needed ... wanted ... to know who this little one growing inside me is.  so BU (before ultrasound) ... i came to him with my list of reasons.  the top reason being that i feel out of control.  my job is crazy.  my life is crazy.  and i felt like having control of this knowledge ... would help solidify my world. 

i felt all girl.  all along.  absolutely positively convinced girl.  her name was violet.  or hanna

but ... blue.

the ultrasound technician asked if we wanted to know.  i said that it isn't our primary purpose in having an ultrasound ... so it's not necessary to search for the answer. 
she barely laid the magic wand on my ever expanding belly and the first picture we saw of our little ... was ...

blue.

all boy.

stella ... the ever love of my life ... sat quietly down.  the girl that is ever entranced with all things baby was quiet and subdued.  she had spent countless hours over the past few months wishing for another bit of pink.  i could tell she was devastated.  and it absolutely broke my heart into a billion pieces.  scattering them upon the floor.  flowing out through tears. 

blue.

i spent all day, yesterday ... crying.  not because i don't love this little ... boy ... but because i'm all of a sudden feeling this complete ineptitude at parenting.  i know NOTHING about boy.  i grew up in a family of girls.  i've lived my whole life in a family of girls.  my husband leaves to fly his airplanes ... and it's just me and the girls.  i don't really even like the color blue.  i really don't like feeling blue. 

and i think my whole world is turning upside down.  and i'm trying my best to realize that this isn't what is important.  so many people across this world would give anything to be in my shoes right now.  and i see myself ... and i realize how ridiculous this is.  i see that i'm just being silly.  shallow.  absurd.  just plain dumb.

but i can't help being a bit nervous of what's to come.  and beating myself up over feeling this way.

11 comments:

Mighty M said...

I felt the same way - never thought I would have a boy and was pretty shocked when I found out what it was. But I have to tell you he is the sweetest, cutest, thing and I can't believe I ever thought I couldn't handle a boy! He will be such a wonderful addition to your life!! Congrats! ;-)

Sprite's Keeper said...

How exciting! Stella will quickly fall in love with him, I promise. And you will quickly learn the ways of the boy and it will amaze you. Mazel tov!

Raising Z said...

My friend Sarah felt the same way as you do now and that is why I was so glad she found out at the ultrasound. It gave her 4 months to become so excited about the challenge before her. She (as am I) came from all girls and did not know what to do with a boy (as did I) but we both had boys and fell in love. I am in the opposite boat, I don't know what is growing inside of me but I am so scared it is a girl! I don't know what to do with a girl?? Everything I own and know is boy. But whatever my baby is, I know I will figure things out and love it with all of my heart. Stella will come around, it is good that she has this time to prepare too. Boys are so wonderful and I am totally in love with my little Z :) Congratulations!!!

Pamela said...

I was absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt convinced Olivia was a boy. In fact, Jon announced, "It's an Olivia!!!" and I responded, "Check again."

And I love her. Obviously.

And I was hoping for a girl, being the only girl in my family, I wanted to see what the whole 'sister thing' was about.

Jack? is a boy.
Henry? also boy.
Elliott? yeah. XY.

Boys are like this: Say you're a chocolate lover, because, well, duh, of course you are. And you have your two little blue-eyed chocolate truffles that you savor day in and day out. You soak up their smell, you lick the melty goodness off your fingers.

Then, one day, someone offers you a chocolate truffle with a fruity inside. And you think, oh, no way, Jose, I really only love my chocolate truffles. How do they even get the smooth raspberry goodness in a truffle anyway?

But then, after a while, you find yourself being totally intrigued by the idea of having a little nom-nom on the raspberry truffle. And what do you know?!?!?! It's *ALSO* your favorite. But instead of being your favorite chocolate truffle, it's your favorite raspberry chocolate truffle.

Girls are nice, but there is nothing like a lovey boy child. Boys love them some mama, like nobody's business.

amanda said...

awww pamela's comment just gave me goosebumps!! for the record, i know i will write this exact post if one-day-baby-number-two is a boy!!

i am one hundred percent sure this is totally normal friend - please don't beat yourself up! (easier said than done i know) but - very soon you will look back and know your family wasn't complete with out all the blue :)

congrats honey!!

ps - and thanks for your amazingly kind words over in my world - i puffy heart you friend!

3 Peas in a Pod said...

I grew up with a sister too. I have 2 boys and a girl. When my little girl came around I felt just as panicked as you do right now. Although I'm obviously a girl, I had NO IDEA what to do with her because I had had 2 boys first. She's now almost 3 and I've figured it out. You will too. Don't fret sweetie, you are going to la love having a boy...and so will your girlies two. There's nothing like a boy's love for his Mama.

Much love from NJ,
Sue
xoxo

Casey said...

No way, a BOY?!? Congrats!!! I know exactly what you're feeling since I went through the opposite. I only know boy things since I'm a big fat tomboy so when Elliot came along, I was worried/upset that I wouldn't know what to do. She's perfect and I couldn't have been more wrong. You'll see...

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

Oh I'm so excited for you! I am getting baby fever really bad and I want a boy something fierce! You'll do fine!

Lorri said...

Congratulations on your new color scheme! Having been the birth mother to 3 girls and the adoptive mother to 3 more girls, I was a little stunned when The Fates delivered 2 grandSONS into our family. So much for my dreams of hand smocking little dresses and long white baptismal gowns dripping with lace. Instead I've learned about worms and soccer and SuperHeroes and delighted in the journey. You will be amazed at how naturally it will come to you, this balancing of your boy and girl children.

Cpt. J's Wife said...

I love having a little guy around. And it's true, he loves him some mommy big time.

Susan said...

I had my first boy after 6 girls. Total surprise when I delivered him my husband said it's a boy and i daid let me see. He is 13 months old and the apple of my eye. You will love it. Both boys and girls are truly the best.