caffeinated...

caffeinated, originally uploaded by jenniferlivolson.

jenni and jen are hosting a blissful benefit to welcome a new baby to a beautiful wonderful mama of two ... jen over at blissfully caffeinated ... who just so happened to be hospitalized and have a baby all within a few days.  and unfortunately the hospitalization initially didn't have anything to do with the baby.  but, that's her story to tell.

anyhoo.  they urged us to show our support by paying homage to jen's favorite beverage. 
(seriously ... could  i use another form of jennifer anymore in that paragraph?)

funny. coffee never meant much of anything to me until i came upon my second child.

i have always LOVED the smell of it. i used to open my mom's coffee jar and smell the beans.
i LOVED the fake taste of coffee in ice cream flavors. especially in a coffee chocolate milkshake.
walking through the grocery store aisle full of beans ... i LOVED looking at all of the options and flavors. the tiny beans spilling over one another.

i just didn't like coffee.

until lil' miss cora came along.

i more than LOVED coffee. i NEEDED coffee.

and not in the i-so-need-a-coffee-or-i'm-gonna-get-a-headache need for coffee.
more in the i LOVE sitting down with my real coffee cup in my hands.

it's the warmth. maybe?
or perhaps, it's the feeling that i'm actually getting to sit. for a minute.

but i think even more than either of those reasons ...
it's the friendship.

weird, huh?

there is just something that is so amazingly wonderful about sitting with friends that are mamas too and drinking a cup of coffee.  there's something about the inability to crazily chase around children while holding a cup of splashing hot liquid that forces you to slow down.

i miss this coffee with friends idea so much that i routinely text my best friend who also happens to be pregnant and say ... i just want to stop by and sip coffee with you while the girls destroy your playroom.
except she lives in utah. so it doesn't happen.

unfortunately, the first few weeks of this pregnancy, the mere thought of coffee kinda made me sick. i'm still not lovin' my morning coffee. but at this point ... it's a weakness. it's more the holding and the slowing down than the actual drinkage.

and i think my point is this ... (finally huh?)

jen?
savor that new baby the way that you savor your coffee. because it's so much more than just the getting it down to achieve caffination. having a new baby is so much more than just raising a child into an adult.

it's about enjoying each and every moment. even when those moments kind of suck, bigtime.
because those moments flee.

congratulations on your new baby girl. she is absolutely beautiful. and i'm so glad to see that you are feeling better.

thinking of you.

AND pulling out the hair ...

... the evolution of a picture ...

... first attempts ...

... mistakes and problems ...

... seriously? ... more problems.  and a PTA meeting that is starting in less than an hour.  damn cat.  my wedding shoes still fit!  and definitely up the sexy factor.  the shoes... not the cat.  but the rolled maternity jeans ... anyone have a few extra inches of height that you are willing to share?

nothing that a little editing ... ok ... maybe a lot bit of editing ... can help with.
sorry stella ... just this once that perfect little smile is just NOT gonna cut it.  going to go with the bored faced child this time around. 

... nothing like having a vision ... two children that are not totally excited about this venture that is going to take place after work/daycare/school ... a zoo-full of pets ... and an hour before the pta meeting ... to make you want to pull out that camera and attempt to fulfill the previously mentioned vision.

oh ... and did i mention the door-to-door guy that wanted to chat about bpa free bottles and sippy cups and the fact that mn was succesful in banning them or something or other.  so great that there are people out there that are so dedicated to making awesome things happen.  but when i come to the door in heels with a camera ... just note that you may have caught me at a bad time and move on?

thanks kelle.  i've always admired your feet with children pictures.  from here on out ... i will kiss the ground you walk on for being able to achieve those with so much more success than i had.

and on a related ... but not really related note ... i just figured out how to do layering with picnik!  look at this.  i think i'm in love.  (sorry honey.)

flowers are much easier participants in photo shoots.

touching the heart ...

over at i {heart} faces this week ... we are playing it pink. 






when i first saw this upcoming challenge ... i thought ... no problem!  life with my girly-girls offers plenty of opportunity for pink-ish things. 

and then they noted that it was all in honor of breast cancer awareness month. 

and the mere thought of just putting something cute and pink up there didn't seem like such a perfect idea anymore.  and i let the thought of entering this week slip away into the recesses of my mind ...

until ... last wednesday ... when a good friend sent message that she had received a diagnosis of breast cancer. 

and it all hit so much closer to home.

so ... in honor of colleen and all of the women out there fighting this battle ... i enter, not for recognition ... but to show my support.  please realize that all of us, women and men ... are taking on this as a personal threat ... and we are determined to fight it ... courageously.  standing side by side.

and to the friends that don't feel affected by it right now ... do me a favor?  once a month.  that's all it takes. 

because having found a (thankfully) non-cancerous lump in my breast at the age of 18 ... going through the wait and eventually having it removed.  it's hard.  and scary.  but so much more do-able if you just do something about it ... right away.  and the most do-able part of it ... is having support systems in place.  and as the scar from the surgery has faded through the years ... i realize that i forget to be as vigilant about making sure that there aren't any more ... so, i'm reminding myself too. 

so ... do it for your kids.  or my kids.  or the neighbor.  or your husband.  or your mom and dad.  or the ups man.  for yourself, just maybe?.

just do it.  please.

and then ... what i'm not loving right now.

squeezing a few not loving moments as the girls are finishing up in the shower and i'm attempting to get dressed.  this may just well be a work in progress ...

i am SO. NOT. loving ...

the fact that stella most possibly has fifth disease ... which on it's own is a little rash, highly contagious ... treatable at home ... but is not-so-good for a pregnant mama.

which means that i have to go and have blood drawn to check my antibodies for fifth disease ... and i've been told i have hard-to-find veins.  i hate having hard to find veins ... is not my favorite thing.  it means i get multiple pokes.  i really dislike multiple pokes.

and that the nurse on the phone line which took 45 minutes to talk to ... said antibIodies ... which feels like an incorrect pronunciation of the word.  and she had a lateralized strident articulation pattern.

i don't love that cora has been crying all morning.  about things such as ... mommy saying that she can't put a diaper on a stuffed monkey ... or ... she can't eat cereal with milk on it in the living room ... or ... we all need to get in the shower ... oh ... and now i can add ... because she isn't going to the doctor's office with us ...

i don't love that husband is gone on a day like today ... when i really feel like there needs to be 5 of me.

i really wish that there was some chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups in it in my freezer right now.

that i just realized yesterday during a sorting adventure of our basement storage ... that the baby boy clothing that was so wonderfully handed down from good friends ... was from a baby born in late spring ... and consists mainly of summer-ish clothing.  and now i need to scour the world for baby boy clothes that don't make me nauseous.  (i don't like footballs either - i am going to be a crappy boy mama).

i don't like my hair.  especially the fact that my consistent go-to-hairstyle is a ponytail ... because i look dumb in a ponytail right now.

that there is one-more-day-of-fun at the farmer's market (or at least that's what the sign says) ... because honestly the last few weeks have sucked BIGTIME.  rain.  wind.  snow.  freezing ass cold weather.  not my idea of fun.

that snow is coming.  with much more consistency than was plopped down on us last week.  and we haven't even gotten an awesome display of fall color yet.

the fact that maternity pants are made for women 5'10" and taller ... and i have to roll those suckers like a student of the 80s in order to not get the bottoms of my pants wet in the never ending saga of puddles and snow. 

i need new bras.

i would like to eat ice cream and cookies for breakfast lunch and dinner ... but i'm pretty sure that's frowned upon while raising children because apparently there are more food groups that i'm missing and my children need to learn about all of the food groups.

i forgot to take out the recycling.  and why the hell do they come at dark o' thirty in the morning?  because my brain hasn't turned on yet at that time ... and i ALWAYS forget.

hmmm ... was that enough complaining for today?  must. stop. now.  so that i can actually accomplish a glass is half full attitude before 10 this morning. 

loving ...

just because i can ...
i'm squeezing in an itty-bitty post late into the evening. 

to update the (maybe?) seven of you out there that read these silly ramblings of mine ... on the very things that i can't help but love at this exact second in time ...

the dropping of a yittle-bankie amidst the carrying of my drooling little into her own bed ... which gave me the opportunity to bring her that little blankie and set it into her arms an hour or so later ... and moreso ... gave me a chance to gaze at her while she slept.

the later-than-i-would-have-allowed phone call from my biggest little ... telling me all about her night with grandma before settling into her bed at g-ma's house.  and just how little she actually sounds still.  mature.  but still little.  an important reminder that i needed desperately tonight.  because even old souls can reside in little bodies.  five years old ... is not that old.

homemade salsa.  mexican relish to be exact ... served with a hint-of-lime chip ... made from fresh garden tomatoes that most likely won't last another day ... knowing that frost and possibly even snow may be on mother nature's to do list this evening.

having two amazingly beautiful wonderful girly-girls that immediately place their palms upon my ever-growing belly as soon as i mention that a certain little baby boy blue just kicked.

late night conversations with the love of my life.  the i-love-yous that carry me through 'til he comes home.  wishing that he were here to feel the kicks too.  and maybe more thankful that he does get to come home tomorrow to do all of those things in person.

purring kitties that take every opportunity to jump upon my lap ... and sit quietly with me while i ponder the things in my life.  forcing me to sit there for just a minute longer than i maybe would have, if they didn't.

days off from work.  where i can sleep just a few minutes longer, enjoy a cup of coffee in a real mug, call my best(est) friend at ten in the morning, and watch my girly-girls interact and play ... in our home ... rather than in the backseat of the van rushing off to our morning locations.

that's so not everything ...
i just wanted to share a snippet.

and i would love to hear your loving snippets too ... what are you loving today?

bummer dude.

"have you ever just wanted to ... i don't know ... just get away for awhile?"  mr. a inquired to his one-day-younger cousin, cora.

"i've thought about it," she replied.  "those big people are always reading books and telling stories about this big wide world.  like there is so much more out there.  so much more than ... this."

"yeah," he said, "have they told you about that big red dog ... what was his name?  oh yeah ... clifford.  wow.  it's dumbfounding knowing that there is stuff out there like a giant dog that carries his friends around on his back.  and they have us here ... looking for apples."

"no kidding," cora felt compelled to tell him more, "apples.  who do they think we are?  do they really think that this kind of thing is worth not napping over?  hell ... you can buy apples at the store.  why do they think we really care about trees with apples.  now money.  on trees.  or red furry monsters.  that would definitely be worth the 30 minute drive."

"what do you say ... we go for it," asked mr. a. 

cora inquired ... "you really think we can?  hold on ... i have an idea."

"hi mom!!  look at me!!  i'm super cute ... here's my apple and my silly face ..." 

while thinking, "ha.  gullible sucker.  i know you ... you're bound to take the camera off of me if a pose for just a minute."

"  3 ... 2 ... 1 ... see mr. a ... i told you ... look she's off taking pictures of flowers and stuff now ... that's all it takes ... ooo ... listen to her using her big words ... bokeh.  ooo ... look at her showing daddy the fall bokeh ... she's totally not paying attention to us anymore ... go for it!"

"RUN!  let's go and explore the world.  let's see what's out there!  there's no stopping us now!"

"oh ... crap.  bummer dude.  you dropped your apple.  your sustenance.  that apple was gonna get us all the way to clifford, man."

"just leave it.  it's no use to us now.  we can try again next time.  let's just go back to the big people. c'mon man.  you know what they say about yuck and dirty and stuff.  my dad will get you another one.  let's go back."

"hey man ... mind giving me a lift?  i lost my apple and i'm really feeling hungry ..."

"yum.  those big people are good for something, i guess.  the good apples are never at the bottom of the tree."

"yeah ... i agree.  they don't really compare to that big red dog or that elmo guy ... but these apples ARE pretty tasty."

"what do you say ... we stick around awhile?  they do have this cool wagon ... and at the very least, they do read the stories to us ... and you know ... in the end ... they do have more than apples to eat around here."

mr. a replied, "alright ... but next year ... next year ... we might just have to get out and see the world a little more."

"i'm so glad we have each other ... it's us against them ... how do you feel about hawaii? ... my big people mentioned something about dolphins and oceans last week ..." cora declared, "i totally threw a temper tantrum about wanting to go to hawaii in the middle of the doctor's office waiting room ... hilarious!  that sure threw the big people for a loop.  you should try it!  it's a blast!"

blue.

it's a funny thing.  blue... 
that last post was all about blue.  about my quest to find blue in my life.  about how the bluest thing that i have around me are all the blue-ish eyed people. 

and then ...

blue.

i convinced husband that i needed ... wanted ... to know who this little one growing inside me is.  so BU (before ultrasound) ... i came to him with my list of reasons.  the top reason being that i feel out of control.  my job is crazy.  my life is crazy.  and i felt like having control of this knowledge ... would help solidify my world. 

i felt all girl.  all along.  absolutely positively convinced girl.  her name was violet.  or hanna. 

but ... blue.

the ultrasound technician asked if we wanted to know.  i said that it isn't our primary purpose in having an ultrasound ... so it's not necessary to search for the answer. 
she barely laid the magic wand on my ever expanding belly and the first picture we saw of our little ... was ...

blue.

all boy.

stella ... the ever love of my life ... sat quietly down.  the girl that is ever entranced with all things baby was quiet and subdued.  she had spent countless hours over the past few months wishing for another bit of pink.  i could tell she was devastated.  and it absolutely broke my heart into a billion pieces.  scattering them upon the floor.  flowing out through tears. 

blue.

i spent all day, yesterday ... crying.  not because i don't love this little ... boy ... but because i'm all of a sudden feeling this complete ineptitude at parenting.  i know NOTHING about boy.  i grew up in a family of girls.  i've lived my whole life in a family of girls.  my husband leaves to fly his airplanes ... and it's just me and the girls.  i don't really even like the color blue.  i really don't like feeling blue. 

and i think my whole world is turning upside down.  and i'm trying my best to realize that this isn't what is important.  so many people across this world would give anything to be in my shoes right now.  and i see myself ... and i realize how ridiculous this is.  i see that i'm just being silly.  shallow.  absurd.  just plain dumb.

but i can't help being a bit nervous of what's to come.  and beating myself up over feeling this way.