tired.

i knew from the moment that she exited her cocoon of a bed that she was still tired. 
so tired.

she fell into a heap of tears because of ... something. 
{i have really no idea what it was}

and then she sobbed because we were heading to pick up grandma for a day at the zoo.
{i still don't really understand why}

and she was full of smiles and laughter and love and joy and happy.
{and all of those other nice positive filled words}

but throughout the day i found myself quietly whispering ... she is so tired.
she is just really so tired.
excusing her from my frustration with her just being four-ness.  her tiredness.  her tears.  her flipflopping happies and sads.
or trying to.

i have days where i feel like i'm totally and completely failing everyone that relies so heavily on me for oh-so-many things.
and days where i kinda pat myself on the back for maintaining composure and managing 3 children.
i was kind of patting myself after accomplishing zoo in 2 hours.  with 3 non-crying children.
wherein i (thankfully had mom along ... but still) managed to encourage curiousity.  answer questions.  create questions.  ask questions. 
i was *that* mom.
and it felt so freaking good.

grandma invited us all over for dinner. 
so we managed to get finners there napless.
and managed to put him down.
and managed to eat peacefully.
{which isn't always accomplishable when finners is around}

and then it was time to leave.
probably *past* time to leave ...

and cora lost it.
again.

she's so tired.
she is just really really tired.
i whispered to noone but myself.

and i herded everyone to the car.
and went back for her.

i've taken to calling her my "pickle in the middle"
why?
i don't know.
i hated that game as a child.
it's like the outsides are teasing you and taunting you.  and there just really isn't any sure way to get that ball from their hands.  i feel nervous and clicky and anxious thinking about it. 
i hate that game.
but that girl has my heart. 
i love that girl.

i went back for her and scooped her up ... sobbing.  crying. ... picked up her purple boots and carried her to the car after her pitiful goodbyes to the grandma that she didn't want to see today anyways but was super excited to see when we saw her.
see?
flipfloppy.

she continued the whimpering and the crying ... as we drove home. 

finn was noticeably worried about her ... and i heard his sweet little voice from the backseat ...

tay?
tyin'?
want-mama?
hand?

and i watched as he reached out his little bitty hand to her and just simply held hers for the remainder of the ride home.

i cried.

i cried alone quietly ... because i know that i can accomplish things like zoo with three kids.  and dinner from nothing in the cupboard.  and studying for spelling tests.  and reprimanding snooty almost 8 year olds.  and managing bedtime.  and up-all-nighters.  and no coffee creamer kinds of mornings.

but my success as a mama rested alone in his reach for her to comfort her when she was hurting.

tomorrow they will probably fight.

i'm sure someone will be tired.  really really tired.
or teething.
or just snooty.
or crabby.
or sick.

because someone always is.

and i'll probably find something else to take pride in.  and i'll probably kick myself for doing something else. 

see?
flipfloppy.
i wonder where she gets it.

burrowing in ...

for the {shhhh!} ...

winter.

burrowing in.
simmering soup.
falling leaves.
dancing together.
billowing blankets.
watching movies.
drinking cocoa.
crackling bonfires.
baking breads.
reading books.
painting projects.
darkening nights.
shortening days.
cuddling close.
listening tunes.
playing piano.
making plans.
enjoying family.

that's just a bit of what we've been up to. 
.........................................................................................
winners of the shutterfly cards were 6.  1.  and 3. 
and i do have pictures of the random number thingamajig that i took ... but i really don't want to have to go and upload the pictures ... so can we all just agree to agree.

i'm going to do my best to go and let those people know ... BUT ... i need them to send their emails to me so that i can send them their codes ... so if i don't receive an email by wednesday ... i'll probably have to pick a new person ... k?

everyone happy??

thanks.

winners are ...

number 6 ...
little.birdy said...

Merry and Bright grabbed me!
November 9, 2011 5:41 AM

number 1 ...
darcie said...

I'm a huge fan of shutterfly - obvi! But how on EARTH does one pick just 1 design? aye aye aye.
I loove me some Christmas cards!
November 8, 2011 10:13 PM

and number 3 ...
Terumi said...

What a great contest! Love photo cards:)
November 8, 2011 10:29 PM

whew.
..................................................................................................
heading t'bed.

once upon a time.

once upon a time ... i was able to get things done.

i may have even been able to send out a christmas letter detailing the events of our not-yet-married life with two cats and one bird. 

oh yes.  i was *that* person.

if you were lucky?
i included a photo.
uh.huh.

and then ... oh ... about ... seven years, one month and 11 days ago ... something changed.
i had a baby.  (hi stella!) and ever since then ... i cannot for the life of me get anything done early. 
on time?  yes.  sometimes.  early?  rarely.

and so that is why, my friends ... we have resorted to sending out valentines day cards.  they pretty much look like i'm trying to be quirky and different and fun!  we are fun!!  no!  really!! we are!!!
but honestly ... i'm pretty much too busy scrambling to purchase gifts and shove the kids in front of santa to be worrying about sending you a christmas card.

my friends over at shutterfly have generously offered to give a few of us the opportunity to get christmas cards.  on time. 
like ... if you are one of the winners ... you'll pretty much be able to go ahead and order your cards ... and send them out and be the first person on the block to send out christmas cards.

or?

you can be like me and just order your valentine's day cards all early like ... and give yourself a few months of sitting around and doing absolutely nothing (ha!) before you actually have to lick the envelopes and slap a stamp on them. 

look!

now ... if you pretty much FORCED me to make a decision for a card to get out by christmas ... and you promised to come over to my house with wine and maybe a spiked punch drink that i had all warm and christmasy like the other day ... and you vowed to write all of my addresses and lick all of my envelopes and place all of my stamps in the upper right hand corner ... i might just pick this as my favorite.

(it's the confetti jacks christmas card.  super adorable.  plus not TOO christmasy.)

then again ... i just spent the last 25 minutes looking at all the super cute and adorable and lovely options over there ... take a look over here ...

and then ... i'm probably going to spend another few hours pouring over all of these cute gift ideas. 

or ... OR!  these calendars.

note to any family members reading this post ... you might just want to put your gift requests in the comments section ... it will be so much easier for me to find prior to december 24th when i would usually scramble to put together something for you.  and honestly ... if you want to just go ahead and order your own present, slap my name on it and send me a bill ... i'll take that option too.
i'm kidding.  seriously.
but it's really not a bad idea.
i'm kidding, though.  i totally love shopping.  especially at christmas time.
ok.  now i'm having heart palpatations.
remember my last christmasy shopping trip?

at this point ... we're all just going to go ahead and assume that shutterfly will never again ask me to be a spokesperson for them because i'm rambling about gifts and shopping and breastfeeding babies.  yes.  those things are all related.

and on a sidenote?  i'm fairly certain that this is going to be my card this year. 

it's the 'love and whimsy' card.

but probably with pictures of my family.  unless they won't sit still. 

THE BEST THING EVER?

shutterfly has given me the chance to give three (3!) of you a set of 25 of *your very own* cards to hand out this holiday season ... so ... go ahead and leave me a comment after you go and visit over at shutterfly to pick our your most favorite card ...

it's gonna be a hard decision ... you might want to put the kids to bed first ...

i'm going to close this contest on ... sunday 11-13-11 at 11:59 pm.  pretty much because i don't work on monday so i can find some random number picker thingy and have it pick three numbers from the probably really high number of comments that i'm going to get ... (ha!) ... because shutterfly mentioned something about my "influential blog" and that kinda makes me giggle.  (do i really influence you?  that seems a bit crazy to me.)

got that?
shutterfly.
cute cards.
christmas?
valentine's day?
win 25!
send them!
best holiday season ever.

whew. 

** obviously ... this post is sponsored by shutterfly.  they were generous enough to give me a few cards to hand out this year.  and super nice enough to give me a few to give to you ... and even though they were kind enough to do all of that ... the opinions of how cute their cards are ... are actually mine.   

** “Are you a blogger? Want a chance at 25 free cards this holiday season? Register here: http://goo.gl/DDw7Q”

where i'm from ...

i am from a teeny house with front railings that doubled as my noble steeds, from a child sized library full of golden books and saturday night taco bell followed by pirate ships at the park.

i am from the deliciously scented lilac trees abundantly painted in their hues of purples and whites and the ant covered peonies blooming in wild pink bunches across the backyard.  from the yellow butter loving of dandelions and the wisps of their seeds as we blew them into the wind.
i am from frequent "i love yous" and selective shyness, from alice and doris and kristi and so many other mamas that came before us and paved the way for us to be amazing at what we do.

i am from the wish to fade into the background of busy-ness and the desire to truly connect with my friends in quiet spaces and places.  i am from creative energy and color.  i am from connections and love and smiles.

from "i am proud of yous" and so many more "i love yous".  from hugs and kisses and powerful nonverbal communication that said so much more than words could simply say.  actions.
i am from here and there faith and the realization that faith and religion are a part of something so much larger and so much less defined.  less confined.  less.  and sometimes more.
i'm from norway and minnesota, lefse and grandma's chocolate chip cookies.  with milk of course.

from the kinda sorta hippy-ish parents that worked together at kentucky fried chicken when they were younger (my dad actually mixed the secret spice recipe once ... though he has no idea what was in it), the grandmother that molded the lives of so many children through teaching, and the grandmother that raised so many children with the family need for quiet aloneness in a house that was anything but. 
i am from pictures and frames bombarding the shelves.  from portraits and artwork adoring the walls.  i am from boxes and boxes of family memories.  and intricately cut out silhouettes of my sister and i hanging in my mama's bedroom to this day.

i am me.
and i am a part of all of this.
and it ... is a part of me.

... i wish i could remember where this came from.  it's been sitting in my posts to be finished pile for quite some time.  it called to me so i rambled out the answers rather quickly.  do you know where it came from originally? 

where are you from?

drowning.

i feel like i'm drowning in my days.
i dive in as soon as my eyes flutter awake.  straight into the depth of the morning ... coffee.  shower.  closet.  "good morning." breakfast.  clothing.  "gym, today?" make up.  teeth.  kisses.  love yous.

out the door. 

i hit the ground running on a tuesday morning.  which is my monday ... but still.  i'm constantly playing catch up from the days before.  meeting.  paperworking.  computering.  emailing.  calling.  scheduling.  reading.  therapizing.  nodding.  gathering.  shifting.  smoothing.  extinguishing.  driving.  listening.  talking. 

and i often quickly run home for kisses and cuddles and lunch.

and then i head back to another location or two for more meeting.  paperworking.  computering.  emailing.  calling.  scheduling.  reading.  therapizing.  nodding.  gathering.  shifting.  smoothing.  extinguishing.  driving.  listening.  talking.

dinner.  and homework. and bedtime.  and chores. 

and life.

this is all just to say ... damn.  life is freaking hard.  it's busy and chaotic and rushing and wonderful and full.

so. full. of a lovely chaos.  that i rarely have time in my day to sit and get out the words and the creative mumbo-jumbo that eats me up inside late at night.  i think in words and colors and textures.  i dream of what i would say, what i might say, what i will say.  my fingers long to tippity tap out words for noone but myself.  because if i don't they might not get said. 

is my life any different than yours?

do you feel like you are sometimes drowning in your days?

is that just who we are as mamas??

did my grandmother ever feel like this as she ushered 12 little lives from morning to night?
..................................................................................................................................
i'm drowning.  and sometimes i don't feel like i'm going to survive the depth of the waters.  i feel like there is so much i want and so much i need and so much that i'm doing ... but there are certain things that are absolutely just not an option to give up.  because they feed my soul.  there are crazy things that i do late into the night when the house is quiet and the world has slowed down.

i kiss sleeping heads.
i write.
i play with photographs.
i whisper to myself.
i make milkshakes.
i breathe.
i take bubble baths.
i stretch.
i make hopes for tomorrow.
i forgive myself for today.
i sit.
i read.
i wonder.
...........................................................................................................................
"you are a good mommy," she tells me.
"i could never do what you do," she says.

i look at her questioningly ... because holy granola ... she raised 6 children and had 6 others in her care for a large portion of their littleness.  that's 12.  twelve.  TWELVE. 

i'm drowning in 3.

"how can this be harder?" i ask her. 
"there were TWELVE in your house.  that's 9 more than i have.  grandma!  i don't know how *you* did it!  patty always had broken bones.  you had numerous sons.  you had a husband that wasn't always around for help.  you did so much on your own!  no car.  no daycare.  i can't imagine."

it's a simple answer, she tells me that things were just different.
...................................................................................................................
it was quiet, here.  the house stood still.  i could hear the hum of the refrigerator.  the whirr of the heat and a pup snoring in the living room. 
a whimper rose to a full out cry ...

i left my words on the computer and fast tiptoed to his room.

he wouldn't fall asleep for me earlier.  on a day when i felt the water toppling over my head and didn't know how i was going to make it through another hour ... he stalled.  and sang ABCs and counted in his annoyingly sweet voice ...
1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10.  yay!
he applauded for himself over and over and over again.
i silently screamed.  and grew increasingly frustrated. 
i put him down.  over and over and over again.  the boy wouldn't go to sleep.  until finally he laid in my lap long enough to nurse into sleepiness.

i tiptoed into the boy's room and sang him a lullaby ... quietly.  without applause.  i stroked his sweaty hair behind his ears and kissed his head softly. 

i forgave myself for being frustrated.  and forgave him for being almost two.
...............................................................................................................................
i resurface ... not gasping for breath, but ready for sleep.  i'm sure i'll dive into these waters again tomorrow.  and i'm sure that i'll feel moments of drowning.

but i'll also feel moments of unbelieveable gratitude for what i've been given. 
.................................................................................................................................
and because a post is not a post without a photo ... my witches and my bat.

love them. 

thanks for listening.

go visit her.  she does some amazing things with words.  someday i'll tell you about the lego on my desk.
and yes.  those two things are related.