tired.

i knew from the moment that she exited her cocoon of a bed that she was still tired. 
so tired.

she fell into a heap of tears because of ... something. 
{i have really no idea what it was}

and then she sobbed because we were heading to pick up grandma for a day at the zoo.
{i still don't really understand why}

and she was full of smiles and laughter and love and joy and happy.
{and all of those other nice positive filled words}

but throughout the day i found myself quietly whispering ... she is so tired.
she is just really so tired.
excusing her from my frustration with her just being four-ness.  her tiredness.  her tears.  her flipflopping happies and sads.
or trying to.

i have days where i feel like i'm totally and completely failing everyone that relies so heavily on me for oh-so-many things.
and days where i kinda pat myself on the back for maintaining composure and managing 3 children.
i was kind of patting myself after accomplishing zoo in 2 hours.  with 3 non-crying children.
wherein i (thankfully had mom along ... but still) managed to encourage curiousity.  answer questions.  create questions.  ask questions. 
i was *that* mom.
and it felt so freaking good.

grandma invited us all over for dinner. 
so we managed to get finners there napless.
and managed to put him down.
and managed to eat peacefully.
{which isn't always accomplishable when finners is around}

and then it was time to leave.
probably *past* time to leave ...

and cora lost it.
again.

she's so tired.
she is just really really tired.
i whispered to noone but myself.

and i herded everyone to the car.
and went back for her.

i've taken to calling her my "pickle in the middle"
why?
i don't know.
i hated that game as a child.
it's like the outsides are teasing you and taunting you.  and there just really isn't any sure way to get that ball from their hands.  i feel nervous and clicky and anxious thinking about it. 
i hate that game.
but that girl has my heart. 
i love that girl.

i went back for her and scooped her up ... sobbing.  crying. ... picked up her purple boots and carried her to the car after her pitiful goodbyes to the grandma that she didn't want to see today anyways but was super excited to see when we saw her.
see?
flipfloppy.

she continued the whimpering and the crying ... as we drove home. 

finn was noticeably worried about her ... and i heard his sweet little voice from the backseat ...

tay?
tyin'?
want-mama?
hand?

and i watched as he reached out his little bitty hand to her and just simply held hers for the remainder of the ride home.

i cried.

i cried alone quietly ... because i know that i can accomplish things like zoo with three kids.  and dinner from nothing in the cupboard.  and studying for spelling tests.  and reprimanding snooty almost 8 year olds.  and managing bedtime.  and up-all-nighters.  and no coffee creamer kinds of mornings.

but my success as a mama rested alone in his reach for her to comfort her when she was hurting.

tomorrow they will probably fight.

i'm sure someone will be tired.  really really tired.
or teething.
or just snooty.
or crabby.
or sick.

because someone always is.

and i'll probably find something else to take pride in.  and i'll probably kick myself for doing something else. 

see?
flipfloppy.
i wonder where she gets it.