and then my mom put my 3 year old in the stroller ...
and took the 6 year old by the hand ...
and handed me the 80 thousand pound baby.
because i needed to go and look in a scrapbooking store for some ridiculously overpriced tag things to make up some
and she said.
in her sweet mom voice.
we'll be right here.
and then i come out of the store about 2.2 seconds later because i couldn't even find the tag thing that i had in mind and she ... and my can-actually-both-walk children are with her.
and i'm left holding the 90 thousand pound baby. and i don't have my sling. because it's on the stroller that she's going to be right here with ...
and then the baby gets hungry and i have no b00b pads or blankets or anything to cover myself up with and i'm in the middle of the mall DURING CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SEASON ON A SATURDAY and none of the stupid men will give me their comfy seats that they are lazily sitting on while reading their dumb books that aren't even written on paper anymore ...
and so i have to sit on a creaky chair at a wobbly table IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL SO THAT MY MOM CAN FIND ME ... feeding a baby that looks big enough to be three. while gazillions of people walk past giving me that look. and the baby is whacking his foot over and over and over and over and over against the wobbly table. so that it creaks and squeaks. over and over and over and over and over and over.
and then three teenage boys sit down at a table just a bit away and start talking about sex and girls and periods and circumcisions and their moms finding out that they are having sex with girls with periods. and i'm totally grossed out and i just want to kind of maybe walk over to their table and let them know in all of my infinite wisdom that usually the boys that talk the most about sex are the ones getting the least of it. but i don't.
i just stare into my baby's eyes and whisper things like ...
you won't ever do that to me, will you?
please never have sex until you are 33.
i hope you learn that girls are to always and forever be respected.
please don't get distracted and look away from me because i really don't want to have a pdb (public display of b00b).
where the hell is your grandma?
and then i walk around trying to find her.
and then the baby gets hungry. again. and the only open seat is the one i left and the boys are still there.
still talking about stupid things i don't want to hear.
and then i finally give up. and i walk around with the 100thousand pound baby that is screaming to be put down.
and find my mom. and my girls. FORTYFIVE MINUTES LATER.
and she says, i've been calling you.
and i ask, on the phone that is in the stroller?
and i look and the phone has vibrated a minimum of 8 times.
and she didn't notice it?
oh to the no. with an extra helping of ho ho ho.
so i leave the mall. with a super sour taste for christmas shopping in my mouth.
looks like you'll be getting a handmade (with love!) christmas present this year, mom. i've always wanted to learn how to make a life sized santa out of recycled wine bottles and glitter.