Monday, December 6, 2010

i might live in the land of the mall of america. but i don't enjoy it.

have i ever told you about that time that i HATE SHOPPING?

and then my mom put my 3 year old in the stroller ...
and took the 6 year old by the hand ...
and handed me the 80 thousand pound baby.

because i needed to go and look in a scrapbooking store for some ridiculously overpriced tag things to make up some stupid crazy i'm totally kind of regretting it story about an elf that lives in our house.

and she said. 
in her sweet mom voice.
we'll be right here.

and then i come out of the store about 2.2 seconds later because i couldn't even find the tag thing that i had in mind and she ... and my can-actually-both-walk children are with her.

and i'm left holding the 90 thousand pound baby.  and i don't have my sling.  because it's on the stroller that she's going to be right here with ...

and then the baby gets hungry and i have no b00b pads or blankets or anything to cover myself up with and i'm in the middle of the mall DURING CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SEASON ON A SATURDAY and none of the stupid men will give me their comfy seats that they are lazily sitting on while reading their dumb books that aren't even written on paper anymore ...

and so i have to sit on a creaky chair at a wobbly table IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL SO THAT MY MOM CAN FIND ME ... feeding a baby that looks big enough to be three.  while gazillions of people walk past giving me that look.  and the baby is whacking his foot over and over and over and over and over against the wobbly table.  so that it creaks and squeaks.  over and over and over and over and over and over.

and then three teenage boys sit down at a table just a bit away and start talking about sex and girls and periods and circumcisions and their moms finding out that they are having sex with girls with periods.  and i'm totally grossed out and i just want to kind of maybe walk over to their table and let them know in all of my infinite wisdom that usually the boys that talk the most about sex are the ones getting the least of it.  but i don't.

i just stare into my baby's eyes and whisper things like ...
you won't ever do that to me, will you?
please never have sex until you are 33.
i hope you learn that girls are to always and forever be respected.
please don't get distracted and look away from me because i really don't want to have a pdb (public display of b00b).
where the hell is your grandma?

and then i walk around trying to find her.

and then the baby gets hungry.  again.  and the only open seat is the one i left and the boys are still there.
still talking about stupid things i don't want to hear.

and then i finally give up.  and i walk around with the 100thousand pound baby that is screaming to be put down.

and find my mom.  and my girls.  FORTYFIVE MINUTES LATER.

and she says, i've been calling you.
and i ask, on the phone that is in the stroller?
and i look and the phone has vibrated a minimum of 8 times. 
and she didn't notice it?

oh to the no.  with an extra helping of ho ho ho.

so i leave the mall.  with a super sour taste for christmas shopping in my mouth.

looks like you'll be getting a handmade (with love!) christmas present this year, mom.  i've always wanted to learn how to make a life sized santa out of recycled wine bottles and glitter.


Shaina said...

Hehe! I love it. This sounds like me in a mall. Hate it, but put up with it only for certain things very few times a year.

I was totally spoiled when I used to work with people with autism. They had these exercise programs where we got to go to MOA before it opened and walk the floors. Now the only time I can visit is right when they open and no one is there because, ahem, I know where I'm going and the browsing, lackadaisical shopper with the saunter in front of me needs to get up out my way lest I kick you in the shins and scream.

I would never do that. Mm-mm. I also try to ditch the kids or go with fewer because, really, all they want to do is ride the roller coasters, and the last time we went as a family I ended up carrying the 90-thousand-pound baby while my husband pushed the 3-year-old, able to walk girl but with a tummy-ache around in the stroller until she puked right in the middle of H&M. In the stroller and all over the floor. Then she cried because she didn't get to ride the roller coaster.

Givinya De Elba said...

This is the absolute best post I have ever read about shopping. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said. Some of my shopping trips are like that. I hate shopping.

Naomi said...

Ok first...sorry you had such a bad time! I laughed out loud at this so thank you. And I laugh because it's so true. I also live in the land of MOA and I will not step foot in that place on weekends ever! That is why I do online shopping ha! Handmade gifts are the best anyways :)

Kristi said...

Oh - I remember that day, the girls and I had such a nice time!

Annie said...

Well written - I can feel your frustration and felt like it was happening to me. thank you for the laugh (because it is that or cry : )

Minnesotagal said...

Those would be the wine bottles you emptied on your own after having braved the mall? If you need more you can have some of mine - I have a whole crate of them from my own previous mall trips. HATE THAT PLACE!!

Minnesotagal said...

Those would be the wine bottles you emptied on your own after having braved the mall? If you need more you can have some of mine - I have a whole crate of them from my own previous mall trips. HATE THAT PLACE!!

Miss Sara said...

Oh, how horrible! But thank you for sharing as I needed a laugh. ;) Yes, I too, hate Christmas shopping (or any shopping in a crowded mall for that matter) & I couldn't do it w/ kids...

Raising Z said...

That sounds like my personal HELL! And I am sure you were sweating like crazy the whole time.....I sweat more now as a mom than I ever did before. I hate the MALL with a passion and try to avoid it at all times of the year.

OHmommy said...

Oh my gosh, I remember those days and so glad that I did all of my shopping online this year (I don't miss the annoying teenagers). Ho ho ho!

dearheart said...

Yikes! Mother definitely doesn't always know best. I hate being left with the hulk of a baby with nothing to strap her into....