away.

i hugged and i kissed three little souls and one big one and then i said goodbye.  and then i remembered that i forgot something and i hugged and i kissed three little people and one big one and then i said goodbye again.
and then someone started crying about being tired and not feeling good and just wanting mommy TOSTAYHOMEWITHME ... NONOTDADDY ... IWANTMOMMY ... {sobsobsobsobsob} ...

and my heart broke a little.

and then a little munchkin waddled to the door as quick as can be and stood reaching for the moon the doorhandle with all of his might eagerly watching to see if i would grab his coat and his shoes and bundle him up for a car ride and take him with me.  and i reallyreallyREALLY wanted to.

but i didn't.

and my husband (god i love him) scooped up the babes and hugged on the middle and said "i can't believe you are leaving me here ... with this." in a teasing sort of way as he sing-songingly bribed the kids into watching mommy and waving to mommy out the window ...

and i walked out.
purposefully not locking the door behind me.
because that felt like a finality that i just wasn't ready for this morning.

and i heard a click.

so i was locked out anyways.
well ... as locked out as you can be whilst holding a key.

and i trudged to the truck.
and turned the key.
and backed out of the driveway.
and pulled forward infront of the house.
and descended the window.
and waved frantically at my littles.  my hearts.
and signed i love you to my husband.  my love.
and i closed the window.
and kept on driving.
and slid around the freaking icy corner (damn rearwheeldrive).
and went away.

and it's awesome and it's beautiful and it's heart-heavy and it's frustrating and it's only 8 hours and it's a blip and they are loved when they are not with me and i know that and i know this is good and i know this is a must and i know that it's what some people dream of and i know that i'm doing something good for people and i know that ... but sometimes i just have to tell myself ...

right?

and i also know that it's just really really hard for me somedays ... and so i just felt compelled to tell you all of that.
thanks for listening.