a first's birth story.

my stella. i've wanted to write this so much. and for so long. but it never seemed like the right day. and i never thought i had enough time. and there is so much that i want to tell you about the day that i held you for the first time ... i've always thought it would take too long.

but i've come to realize that ... i need to make the time. and if this takes me months of hitting *save now* before i finally hit publish ... then so be it. at least it's out there. for you.

(note ... talk about babies and being born and blood and placentas and stuff ... you can leave now if you need to.)
once upon a time ...
(i knew that would grab your attention ... you are definitely a once-upon-a-time kinda girl) ...

daddy and i found out that we were going to have a baby the same week that we were in the process of buying our first home. to celebrate ... we thought a crunch cone was in order ... but alas ... the nearest dairy queen wasn't open that early. figures. instead ... we planned how we were going to share the news. we decided that after we (finally) got the keys to the new house ... we were going to invite all of our family over to see it. in the room that was going to be your nursery ... we hung a sign. simply stating ... "baby's room".
your boppa was the first to get there ... and walk through. the smile on his face immediately upon seeing the sign was, for lack of a better equivalent ... the same smile that he gives you whenever he sees you still today. a few of the family members (not naming any names ...) needed more obvious hinting as to your invisible presence at the party.
i was very excited. but leary.

we had just lost a baby ... a few months prior. and i wasn't sure if my heart was ready to break again. i spent a lot of time worrying about you. singing to you ... and talking to you ... and begging you to stay.

on september 5th of that year ... i had my first midwife appointment ... with kathryn. who ... at the time ... was just the midwife that i had an appointment with. but, who ... now ... is one of the most amazing people in my life. it all started that day. (that will make more sense when you hear cora's story.)

daddy was on a trip ... so auntie summer came with. i had spent all day feeling like there was something i needed to do ... but couldn't figure it out. turns out ... it was my previous due date. i just hadn't remembered until kathryn started asking questions. well ... emotions were stirred a bit and kathryn immediately brought all of us to an ultrasound. where she found you. and gave me a glimpse of your heart. all four chambers. beating strong. truly ... at that moment ... i fell in love with you.

we never did find out if you were a boy or girl. we wanted the surprise. but, i wavered constantly. a coworker that was going to school to become an ultrasound technician did some practice runs on me. she knew. but was amazingly good at keeping the secret.

during the pregnancy ... my clinic got rid of their midwife program. i was in my 6th month of pregnancy ... and i had to find someone new. kathryn was determined to start her own clinic ... but had no idea when that would become a reality. she gave me her email address. which i utilized. i never fully trusted ALL of the new midwives at my new clinic. and i often checked in with kathryn to find out if she was up and running ... even the week before you were born. (she wasn't.)

on sunday, early morning ... march 28th. i awoke with a start. i jumped out of bed ... literally (we have a high bed - i use stairs). my water had broke. and there was a lot of blood.
enough that i was scared.

i remember sitting on my birthing ball in the living room ... kinda frustrated that daddy was getting sleep and i wasn't. i also remember that i was hungry for raisin bran. so i woke daddy up ... and we went to the store. full on labor. and i bought raisin bran and got home and to be honest ... i'm not sure if i even got to eat a bowl of it.

i called my doula, alena. and the clinic. everybody thought i should come in.

daddy and i went in to the hospital ... alena arrived. and gave me a foot massage. doula ... best money spent ... ever.

at one point ... they had me in a wheelchair to take me for an ultrasound ... the guy that was asked to take me there ... walked ... no ... ran so fast ... daddy and alena couldn't keep up. i was almost sick ... he was so speedy. (but it really was just kinda funny ...)

the midwife on call ... mary (my favorite - thank you so much for picking that birthday, stella) ... convinced the doctor that i needed to stay. the ultrasound was showing that you were doing seemingly ok. but that the fluid around you was decreased ... from my water breaking. he thought i should go home and labor for awhile longer. she asserted that i needed to be there and they needed to put me on pitocin to speed up labor. primarily because they couldn't determine where the bleeding was coming from. i had planned on a drug free birth ... i kept up my end of the bargain. but the pitocin was deemed necessary.

so they started it. summer, my friend, arrived and we called boppa and asked him to bring a game over. not knowing how long we were going to be there.

as soon as boppa came ... things shifted. boppa left in a hurry. i'm thinking that ... as excited as he was to meet you ... seeing his baby in pain was a little much for him.

we never played cribbage that day.

this is kind of where ... i don't remember things much. your mama went off to labor land. my body took over. i'm told that summer kept me cool (or hot ... per my request) with compresses. alena did massage and allowed me to practically break her fingers with my squeezing. daddy supported me and held my hands. i'm told that i was really good at following directions. but i didn't say much.

this is what i do remember -

i spent a lot of time on the birthing ball ...
i remember that someone remarked that i should move a little. maybe to the tub??
i remember trying.

and i immediately remember remarking that you were falling out. and that i needed to push.

i also remember them telling me not to. seriously? don't? that was hard to do.
but i guess for our own good. they needed to (secretly) call in the back up.

there was a lot of bleeding going on. and apparently ... they were really worried.
i remember opening my eyes at one point and seeing a lot of people in the room. i asked daddy and he told me not to worry.
apparently ... they were all keeping a secret that there was a team ready to do an emergency c-section if i didn't get you out in 12 minutes ... 10 minutes ... 8 minutes ...

but my midwife ... mary ... bless her. she knew i wanted minimal interventions and she trusted that i could do it.

and i did. we did.

you came out. at 4:28 on 3/28 ... all 7 pounds 11 ounces of you.
a girl ... daddy said. her name is stella.

which is apparently good ... because your auntie wasn't fond of the boy name we had picked out ... kian.

stella.

a little girl ... named after a grandmother ... and a grateful dead song.
though ... to this day ... no one really knows which is the stronger influence.
but you were in my arms ... not a great nurser initially ... it took you a few days of drinking pumped milk from shot glasses ... cheers! but you were there. where you were meant to be ... and i wasn't worried so much anymore. up to that point ... there was always a overlying worried-ness.

the bleeding, we found out ... was from a bifurcated placenta. weird. two placentas, kinda, that were connected with large veins. (too much information? i warned you.) one of which had broken. apparently it got passed around the hospital for the doctors to see. more weird. afterward ... my midwife remarked that we were very lucky. that we were both ok (and alive). the bleeding was that significant. scary.

our anxiously awaiting families eagerly bounced into the room to meet you. my mom remembers me saying ... "she really came out mama."

i guess no drugs and an influx of adrenaline will do that to a woman.

my star was born. and i am the luckiest woman alive ... to be your mommy. thanks for making my days (and nights) brighter.
... and they lived happily ever after.

help.

anyone have any amazing ideas for getting prescription medicine into a 21 month old??

we are at the final straw ... i have to get the steroids in her (with at least a 12 hour window before tomorrow morning) ... or she will potentially end up hospitalized with pnemonia. i have to get her antibiotics in her ... or we will end up having to do antibiotics in the form of a shot tomorrow morning.

she is gagging on and throwing up everything. and i'm kinda at the end of my rope. i finally gave up and put her down for a nap.

does anyone know any good suggestions for getting meds in them?

help me!

life lyrics ... spin cycle.

jen over at spriteskeeper asked us to spin cycle a song that is meaningful to us in some way. this is the first one that came to mind ... and i plopped the lyrics in here at one point this week when i actually had time and wasn't dealing with a (still) sick baby. (yes ... we are going back in to try and figure this out today ... poor girl can't breathe well - very rapid very shallow - and is still running a temp. send back up. funny how crap like this always comes at a time when there isn't any back up ... for a whole week. ugh. but he has so offered to come home. i haven't taken him up on it ... but love that he is more than willing. love you. come home soon, though ... mmm-k?)

so basically ... you aren't getting much of an intro to this post.

it's a song ... that's how you know it's love ... by deanna carter.

one of my best friends sang it at our wedding ... but i continue to sing it to the girly-girls. 'cause it still applies.

love.
that's really what it's all about.

-------------------------------------------------------------

if you ...
get out in the drivin' rain
stand in the eye of the hurricane
and never think twice

if you ...
turn your back on selfishness
and your thoughts are for someone else
'cause they changed your life

that's how you know it's love
that's how you know it's meant to be

when the span of forever
just never seems long enough

that's how you know it's love

when your heart
insists that you give it all
when you no longer
fear the fall

and you just let go
when the past
is finally dead and gone
fate leads you somewhere
to the one

that has your soul

that's how you know it's love

that's how you know it's meant to be

when the span of forever
just never seems long enough

that's how you know it's love

no part of you questions
no part of you doubts

you're only sure this is what love's about
nothing and no one can stand in your way
or keep you from sayin' what your heart is dyin' to say

that's how you know it's love

that's how you know it's meant to be

when the span of forever
just never seems long enough
that's how you know it's love

poor baby.

my poor baby ...
lil' miss cora is sick. again.

should've known ... we finished the antibiotic for the last ear infection yesterday ... and not two hours after ... she was running a temp of 102 and was breathing really yucky ... i gave her a quick nebulizer ... and got her down for bed.

she moaned and tossed and turned ... all night long.

therefore, mommy didn't sleep much at all, either. (i worry about my baby when she's not next to me and is breathing funny over the monitor. so i eventually brought her into bed with me to get a little rest.)

we woke up in the middle of the night and her little body was boiling again ... i called the dr. and they scheduled us for an appt. i was worried about another ear infection ... or pnemonia at this point. argh.

so ... back to the dr. we went. i had to cancel my dr. appt in order to get her in. (sucky ... now i have to reschedule that. we, mamas always put the babies first though, don't we?)

all in all ... another ear infection. and a sick bebe. her breathing is really tight ... so we have to up the nebulizers and try to keep her airway fully open.

i hate the feeling of holding a weak - boiling - listless - little girl in my arms.

but ... i love when the advil kicks in and she finally smiles back at me.

-- off to sing more baby beluga and attempt to convince my body to keep up the milk supply. baby always wants to nurse more when she's ill. unfortunately ... my body didn't get the memo! ah well ... we don't have much longer with the nursing ... mama has a cut off age of two years ... and we're getting close.

(almost) five.

it's hitting me really hard lately.

i am the mommy of an (almost) five year old.

and i don't know why that title feels so seemingly miraculous or noteworthy or even the slightest bit heartwrenching. but it does.

looking back - the first birthday felt extraordinary. so much more anniversary-like. the whole one-year-ago-today-i-held-you-for-the-first-time emotion tumbling forward and outward.

her second birthday ... felt a bit more rushed ... but more her's. i was less a part of it. it sped by. so quickly. i wanted more than it gave.

third birthday ... definitely belonged to her. so significantly less about mommy at that point. she was a total and complete separate person. exploring on her own. becoming her.

fourth birthday ... i begged for it not to happen. it felt too old for my baby. i wanted three back. but it came ... and went. and she was still my baby.

and now? this fifth birthday is sending my heart reeling back to my memories of holding this little tiny being and feeling so overtly unprepared for what life was going to become.

because all of the preparation i had in waiting for you gave me ... no idea i could love this much. and without abandon. and wholly.

and five is all about growing up and school and meeting new friends that are separate from your family.

it's about trusting someone new with my child. allowing this new member of team-stella introduce my baby to ideas and concepts and learning. without the ability to interview him or her first to make sure that s/he's cut out for the team. it's about breathing when you realize that your baby will be going into that bathroom by herself ... and on a school bus ... and possibly eating lunch ... and you can't be there.

it's about watching my first born make decisions about what to wear and realizing that i should never try to control or harness that creativity. because if she thinks that pink and green match the pink and green polka dots on her tights ... because ... hello? ... they are pink and green ... that it is totally fine. it might become all the rage.

five is all about the realization that 2 + 3 + 5 is 10. and so is 3 + 2 + 5. and even 5 + 3 + 2 equals 10. really it does! and did you know that mom upside down is wow. and pink is spelled p . i . n . k . and the word top can be like at the top of something ... and it's a toy that spins around! isn't the world amazing, mama? it's all intertwined and stuff.

the world gets so fucking big all of a sudden ... when you have a gonna-be-five-year-old. china is all the way on the other side of the world! did you know that the sun is going to come up over there? right now?? so many people go to washington dc to see the president! where is daddy tonight? what time is it there? how far away is daddy? and how can we talk to him on the phone? how does it work??

and yet. right now ...

she's still four.

she still cries when someone hurts her feelings. she pouts when she doesn't get her way. she gets time-outs when she needs to learn that she did something ... not right. she still wants to be carried when she's tired. she saunters up and closes in when she needs hugs and lovin'. she glows when you talk about how wonderful she is. she starts to make horses have triangle shaped ears ... only because you mentioned it one time - and she wants to be right.

so, darlin? when you see mama's tears rolling down her cheek as we near this birthday ... don't worry. they are a good mix of happy and sad. mommy is pretty much ok. she just misses her baby a little bit. but she really really loves this big girl too.

so ... stay tuned if you like a good birth story. because of this girl and this girl and this girl and a friend that let me put my hand on her tummy to feel her new little one moving saturday night ... i'm feeling a little more like getting the story of stella's birth out there.
but maybe on saturday ... when the girly-girls go down early and i can invest in a couple of glasses of wine. and more tears. because i so know that the tears will flow with that one.

hasay ... week 14? 15? ... who cares?

hasay ...
casey ...

so anyways ...
how are you all doing? i'm great. just great.
what's new in your neck of the woods?
oh.
you don't live in the woods?
or in a neck of anything?
how about you? over there. you don't talk much, huh? you never say anything when you come to visit ...
and you? what's new with you??
oh ... hi over there!!!! can i get you anything?
anyone want a beer?? or a glass of wine??
oh yay! ... expecting!!!! can i get you some water or a cup of tea??

(read. stalling.)

because i don't want to tell you that weight loss sucks big time.
as soon as you feel like you are going somewhere and making progress ...

a plateau in weight loss bitch slaps you across the face.

in other words.

nada.

maybe up one. and my wii fit tries to make me feel all better by saying ... oh! did you know that in a single day your weight can fluctuate + or - 2 pounds? yeah. thanks. doesn't make me feel any better.

damn thing also says ... "ooo" whenever i step on it. jerk.
and now that i think about it. the girly-girls refrigerator-fun magnet (that is supposed to be there to keep them busy while i attempt to create delicious and easy meals ... but never manages to fulfill his job accurately.) also moos and oinks at me.
what the hell? is the electronic equipment in my house ... attempting to tell me something that my mirror tells me everyday ... without being all uppity about it?

little do they know ... they have batteries! oh yeah. i can take out your batteries ... i am the one in charge here!

but i am SO not taking the batteries out of my wii fit ... 'cause i am a yoga master!!!! i might have a baby belly ... still. but apparently ... my yoga skillz are undeniable.

and i love to box my husband whenever possible. especially when we are having some sort of disagreement. it is the perfect way to get your frustrations out.

**(don't worry, honey. i won't tell anyone that you have yet to beat me in boxing. or that i knock you out ... often. usually before the 2nd round.)**

a poem ... spin cycle.

spriteskeeper asked us to spin a poem this week. bah. put me on a schedule to come up with something creative ... and i often choke.

this is what transpired (from my potential choking session).

a memory of an old man that my 6 month old stella and i met in a grocery store. well ... a man that she met. i wasn't really involved in the conversation. and funny thing is? cora just met an old man at the clinic last week ... that completely talked to her ... and ignored me. maybe it's the blue eyes. they capture people.

old man.

in the middle of life.
that day-to-day shit that steals too much time …
the (supposed to be) quick stop at the corner store to grab the (of-course-we-don’t-have-it-on-hand) ingredients for a quick dinner for 3 … "nope make that 6 … did i mention that i invited so&so&so over for dinner?"

in the middle of life.
that quick trip became a … a … mind altering moment …
the old man (that was frightening me a wee bit) as he followed us from aisle to aisle. pausing and staring and staying rather close behind. not too close … but, close enough.

in the middle of life.
that grocery store … i still remember which aisle.
next to the ketchup and condiments … the jellies and jams. just past the canned fruits and vegetables. third aisle on the left. just before reaching the crackers.

in the middle of life.
that man … an older black gentleman.
a man that had noticeably seen more years than many. a man that was at the very opposite end of the spectrum on his road from you, my baby … who had very much just begun her life.

in the middle of life.
that whisper of a voice … scratchy and worn.
he caught up to us. he bypassed me and moved in your direction. he leaned in close. he looked into your eyes. he told you that you were a wise and beautiful soul. he told you that you would live a long and blessed life.

in the middle of life.
that missing tooth smile … directed at you … my little one.
you smiled back. you cooed and giggled. you said (in your very own way) that you understood. you said (in your very own way) thank you.

in the middle of life.
that soul of a man … that truth-filled and wonderous soul.
he taught me to forget about that day-to-day shit that wastes too much time. through you … he showed me the importance of the journey. it’s not the destination or the potholes or the turns. it’s the journey and enjoying whatever it is … even as you stumble along.

in the middle of life.
that day … and still today.
i wish i would have said thank you. because that old man gave me something more powerful than money, more important than advice and more magical than a bunny in a hat. he gave me something that i cannot even find a name for. but it envelopes my heart. and opens my eyes. and i couldn’t be more thankful for the gift.