Tuesday, November 3, 2009

dear pioneer woman,

dear pioneer woman,

while this may come off as unusual ... i feel compelled to send you a record of this bizarre-o pregnancy dream that occurred last night. 
because, truly, you know how dreams are really only funny to the people that are in them?  or at least that's what people say over at the office water fountain in the morning?   "i had a dream about you and i last night," they say ... but then sometimes they don't SHARE the dream and then it's even creepier, 'cause you just walk around with the realization that jim-bob had a dream about you ...

ok ... so i'm realizing that this entire email may just come off as really creepy.  or maybe even it's just funny to me ... but i may just publish this on my blog ... because as you'll see in my description ... i need material.

and on a sidenote? 
pregnant dreams?
way. too. vivid.

so ... it all started with a blog post. 

no ... i take that back ... it all started with a tweet.

i was in the midst of attempting to tweet the @thesdcowgirl to tell her that she should come to mpls to join me at your book signing.  because apparently i decided that she, in sd, was the closest person that i "knew" out here in bloggy land.  my tweet included the word "thy" ... though, i'm not sure why that is important ... but i was having a really REALLY hard time typing "thy" while rocking my 2 year old to sleep, while pregnant and tweeting.

that part is possibly true.  because it is hard to type and rock ... but luckily my 5 year old (even in my dream) was sleeping already ... because ... seriously ... it was probably just the smartest thing to do in this case.

so i was having trouble tweeting.  so i put the 2 year old in her bed.  awake.  and she was crying.  maybe kind of sobbing.  and i could here a funny noise coming from her room.  but i had to write a blog post because my husband had informed me that the internets were complaining about the lack of bloggy material on my blog.  rumors were spreading about the coconutbelly family.  so he wanted me to post something (anything) so that the rumors would stop spreading.  (apparently all 7 readers were REALLY concerned.  thanks mom and friends.)

so ... anyway.  back to the dream ... i decided to read your blog instead of posting something.  and i came across a video you made inviting people to your book signing in minneapolis.  and you had a giveaway!  6 lucky winners were going to possibly win a chance to be the first six in line. 

and then i realized what the funny noise was in my daughter's room.  it was my cell phone.  which had apparently called my best friend when i sat on it and forgot it sitting on her floor.  and after i finally realized it and picked it up ... i saw that my best friend had spent the last 74.07 minutes attempting to garner my attention by shouting into her end. 

so i stopped to chat with her.  because that is what most normal people would do in the midst of trying to get children to sleep and read your blog and write their own blog post.

she, also getting ready to pop out another baby, told me about how they were getting their two dogs used to the idea of a second baby around the house.  they bought two statues.  one of their oldest child and a second one of a baby.  and she was convinced that all was going to go really well because the dogs were licking the statues. 

so i'm kinda listening to her tell me about the statues - because sorry sara ... but even in my dream i could tell that was a little screwy -  while listening to your blog post about how you were going to choose the winners. 

you had a cake.  sectioned into six pieces.  (it was chocolate in case you were wondering.  no frosting.)  and you held in one hand the cake slices.  in your other hand you held a conglomeration of toothpicks.  and everytime you picked up a piece of cake you said ... not one!  not two!  not three!  not four!  not five!  but six winners!  and each time you said one of the numbers, you one-handedly manuevered the toothpicks so that you could poke that number into the top of the cake.  you would wiggle your fingers until the toothpicks were in the shape of a 1! or 2! or 3! or 4! or 5! or 6!  and punch them in and pull them out.  and there would be a perfect number on top.

and you could totally tell the cake was done.  because there was never any cake remnants on the toothpicks.

and you told everyone that wanted to enter to send you three blank checks, signed and written out to you.  and then you would pick the winners and cash the checks to pay for their copy of the book.  smart business move, lady.

fast forward.  (because that's what happened in the dream.)

mall of america. 

i was one of the winners.  unfortunately @thesdcowgirl never made it.  because, apparently i never got past the "thy" in that tweet.

however ... i was the last winner.  and you had decided that the winners would really only get to pick one chapter of the book.  even though they sent 3 blank checks and paid for the entire book. 

because i was last ... i ended up with the sour cream chapter.  (someone else had already picked the chocolate chapter.  which i was really bummed about because it had the recipe for the sea salt topped chocolate truffle-ish things.)

and then ... i woke up.

because my two year old really did wake up yelling out in the middle of the night, "I NEED A BAND-AID."
and then my five year old really did wake up yelling out that she couldn't breathe.
and we made a 3:00 am emergency room visit.
don't worry.  she's fine.  just has a 103 degree temperature and is vomiting.  and was sent home after 6 hours at the ER.
and the two year old didn't really need a band-aid ... she was just having weird dreams too.

fun times.

just thought you should know that some crazy pregnant lady out there is having dreams about you. 



amanda said...

this is hilarious!!

preggers dreams are soooo weird!!

but i am sure pw will be beyond honored :)

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

This is hilarious. Did you email it to PW? I entered her contest to win some Le Cruset cookware. I want it, dammit!

On a side note, I'd love to come with you if I'm free. But I'll have to be healthy first. If you haven't heard about my latest affliction read my blog.

Sara said...

I love it! I wonder if the second statue was a boy or a girl:)

Sprite's Keeper said...

Whoa! Did you have hot sauce at all before you fell asleep?

Casey said...

Oh wow, what a weird dream! I've been remembering more and more of my dreams lately (NOT PREGGO, DON'T ASK) and they're just odd.

Pamela said...

wow. that makes me wish i had dreams.