pictures of a soon-to-be-kindergartener.

after seeing numerous friends across the blogosphere sharing their children's back to school shots ... (and wishing that i could link to all of them ... because seriously ... BEAUTIFUL. oh, yeah ... and most of them are professionals.)
i decided that stellers and i most definitely needed to partake in all of the fun.

so ... we set off to g-ma's house ...

because g-ma has an antique desk that i really wanted to include in the pictures ... and because we had a built in babysitter for the little-er little ... and because we would probably get a dinner out of the deal ... and because the desk is REALLY REALLY heavy. and i couldn't take it anywhere else. i consider myself lucky that i was even able to lug the sucker out the door.

settling on her front and side yards for the "photo shoot".
what? there was sun. and trees. and GIGANTIC power lines that would be in EVERY shot if i didn't try really hard to avoid them.

anyhoo.

we had tons o' fun.

mama pretended to be a real photographer and stella pretended to be a real model.

and looky here. it's pretty obvious that she can't wait to start kindergarten. you can tell by the look on her face ... and the descending countdown ... that started ... oh ... about 32 days ago.

unfortunately, mama's still a bit apprehensive. even though my office is completely right next door to her classroom. and i tease that if i knock hard enough on the brick wall that she'll be able to hear me. one knock means "i love you". two knocks mean "i miss you". and three knocks might just be mama banging her head against the wall.







ah ... who am i kidding? mama is scared to death. and completely and absolutely excited ... all at the same time.

but SO not excited to start working again tomorrow. SO. NOT. EXCITED.

please don't tell her i told you this.

but then again ... i HAVE to remember this ... and she will understand.
someday.

we decided to throw an impromptu bonfire in the backyard a few nights ago. we invited friends and neighbors ... with the promise of s'mores. and quite a few people took us up on the invite. very fun.

there was a rather large group of kids that accompanied their parents ... ranging in age from 5 months to 13 years old. although the 5 month old and the 2 year olds didn't quite participate ... the rest of the kids ran rampant through a group of our connected backyards. there was chasing the boys and teasing the girls. and although it kinda terrifies me ... i realized i need to be ok with it ... she starts school in a week (ohmygod) and this sorta thing happens on the school playground.

at one point i noticed an older girl telling stella that she had made another girl feel bad when she had said that. me ... jumping in ... because i am NOT ok with stella making someone else feel bad ... tried to intervene.

but all parties conveniently forgot what was said.
although they did admit that stella had apologized and was now best friends with the girl again.

knowing stella though ... i could see this was eating her up. she felt horrible. and all i could think was that she must have said something awful. and i was imagining the worst.

so i quizzed her a little.
she was not about to tell me what was said.
no way.
never.

i decided to let the other girl's mom know what was happening. i told her that apparently stella said something to her daughter that made her feel bad. apologies were given. best friends were reacquainted. but ... i also told her to call me ... if feelings were still hurt. and we could get together and talk about it again.

the fire slowly died out.
beers were emptied.
the kids were s'mored out. and tired.

as i was putting stella in her bed. i inquired about what was said. again. i asked her if it was something really bad. and she started to cry. i asked if she had said a bad word? and she said, "it's not a bad word mama."
so i told her that if she tells someone and we talk about it ... that it will make her feel better.
after many ... i-can't-tell-yous. and i-didn't-mean-tos. and i-said-i'm-sorrys.

all of a sudden ... she buries her face in her hands and yells through tears and sobs ...
"BALD. i told her she looked bald."

and i started to giggle. i couldn't help it. i tried to hide my face. i tried to turn away.

i had absolutely thought the worst. at the time that my poor daughter was initiated into the world of being a girl ... wherein friends and enemies overexaggerate the tiniest thing. a single word can change the outcome of an entired telephone conversation. feelings are hurt at the drop of a hat. and friendships are made and broken and made and broken ... on a daily basis.

we discussed it. we did. they had all been teasing one another ... and she told the other girl that she looked bald ... because it was dark out ... and it was hard to see her hair. she wasn't trying to be mean at all.

ah. to be the mama of girls. this is only the beginning ... isn't it?

... and then i slept on the couch.

following a relatively new and absolutely despised bedtime routine ... which now involves ...
... wait for it ...
reading bedtime books ... ON THE COUCH.
*gasp* oh the horror!
seriously ... i'm raising drama queens. i swear. they HATE this new routine.

(which only came about because we no longer can all squeeze comfortably onto stella's bed ... and pretty soon, there's gonna be one more ... and this just seemed easier.)

and i cuddled stella into bed with her bedtime cd quietly playing in the background and i rocked cora for just a bit ... which may or may not have involved falling asleep in her rocking chair with her in my quickly disappearing lap.

i awoke to all three cats body slamming themselves against the windowed doors (i'm sure they have an official name ... but my brain is protesting) and the dog growling. which either means that my animals are really good at guarding me ... or the raccoon is visiting again (for the second night in a row).

scaring him away with lights and knocking on the windows ... imagine that ... a nocturnal animal frightened by lights. i retreated into my bed ... i may or may not have been a bit more secure in my knowledge that my animals might protect me from intruders. or at least furry intruders.

i dreamed of a dinner at my gramsy bear's. i was watching an entertainment type show ... when my sister's face appeared on the television screen. apparently ... she had become a well known adult movie star. (i'm sure she's really gonna love me saying that.) and she was using her real name ... which if you know it ... is kinda sad and funny at the same time. i found it really intriguing ... because NO ONE KNEW that she had this secret life. the entertainment show mentioned recent trips to barbados and france. we just thought she was working! how could we be so deceived?? so i did what any responsible older sister might do ... i texted her. and her text came back with a beep.
*i just didn't think you guys needed to know.*
and i texted back ...*but, entertainment tonight knows?*
and her response came back with a beep.

that woke me up.

'cause it wasn't really a dreamy-like beep.
it sounded more real-like.
but didn't involve any of my guard-pets throwing themselves to my rescue. in fact, i think i heard at least 3/4 of them snoring.

this time i forced myself to stay awake ... to try to find the source of the beep.

i may or may not have let my eyes drift closed.
BEEP.
i think it's the smoke alarm.
i remembered once hearing that alarms do that sorta thing when the battery is dying.

so climbed as high as i could to see if i could locate the battery compartment.
no such luck.
called husband. he didn't answer. i may or may not have gotten annoyed that he didn't answer.
tried again ... this time a bit more fearful of the hole that gaped into the ceiling area. who knows what kind of bugs might decide to investigate and land on my head ... *shudder*

called husband again. he answers ... apparently in the middle of some deepish sleep ... lucky man. yep ... probably the battery. just open it up. he says ... like it's easy.
still doesn't open.
he'll take a look at it tomorrow.

i tried to sleep amidst the intermittent beeps. i may or may not have sworn about the fact that i never get to sleep a full night.

i grabbed my pillow ... body pillow and blankets and moved out to the couch.
whereupon immediately laying down ... my body decided that it was hungry.
i gobbled down a granola bar ... and may or may not have drank a sip of milk out of the bottle.

layed down.
and the cat started playing with something on the wood floors. cursing the wood floors and the cat. i may or may not have thrown a pillow in his direction. got up and fed him.

secured myself back under the covers ... and slept. on the couch.
still hearing slight beeping in the background.

and i may or may not have wished for a few more hours sleep ...

fix it friday ...

aka ... a chance to post something that doesn't require much thought on my part. and is fun. and can lead y'all to a fun place ... i heartfaces ...



where they challenge professionals ... and little people like me ... to play around with someone else's photograph.

and it was naptime. and i didn't want to clean the house. and i now have a faster internet connection. and well ... i didn't want to fold clothes or do laundry or take a shower.

sidenote ... because apparently i'm confusing my mom and loved ones that read the blog when i do this sorta thing ... i do not know this child. (he sure is cute though, huh?) this is not my photo. (i do love the stark contrast of light and dark, though.) and well ... i hope that makes it less confusing. huh? did that help?


info from iheartfaces (you can tell ... because they actually use capital letters at their site ... funny how that shift key works.): This week's photo (which seems to be just about perfect SOOC) was submitted by Amy from Muddy Boots. Her sweet little guy suffers from a skin condition that makes editing photos a very difficult task for her. She was interested in learning some tricks and tips for editing problem skin.

and now?
back to laundry and showers and making the house look like semi-reasonable people live here.

i really want to just say something ...

but i'm not sure what i want to say.
which is a perfectly good reason to open up a new blog post, wouldn't you think? because the direction that this started in ... pretty much guarantees that this post may just not really GO anywhere ... or it may just kinda go ... everywhere.

so ... stick with me for a minute?

there might be a beer in the fridge ... i don't really know ... i haven't searched for one of those in awhile.

i'm pretty sure there's no olive juice ... which according to a previous post's comments ... is ok with all of you. not me. apparently you guys would prefer a no olive juice drinking policy, i'm guessing.

in other words ... apple juice anyone?

and what's in my head as of late:

so many things happen in life that you least expect. you don't expect friends to lose their babies. you don't expect that people will hurt someone else. you don't expect that a downpour will occur in the middle of the farmer's market forcing you to abandon all hope of making a bit of money for the coming week.

and these things are happening all around me.

and it scares the crap out of me that i'm living in this world where these frightening things happen and i'm raising children to live in a future world that is potentially more scary than what it is today.

why? why does it have to happen that way?

why can't my world be all sunshine and rainbows?

i think i'm a fixer. i've always been the fixer. i want to solve problems and make things better and take pain away so that other's don't have to deal with it. but i can't. and it frustrates me to no end.

there are these moments that i wish for a life filled with concern in regards to the state of my housekeeping rather than what worldwide issue is going to affect me and my girls.

i wish that i didn't lay awake at night attempting to figure out how i am going to save all of my children in an emergency. when the husband is out of town.

i wish that picking out a baby name was easy.

i wish that i could be reassured that everything is going fabulously with this baby. on a daily basis. ever since ... i'm eternally worried that the next corner that i turn will send my world crashing down. i realize that there is so little that i can do.

(are you still here? i'm rambling. i realize. it's what happens when i decided to pour open my brain after a hiatus.)

i think i started this baby with a nagging feeling that i wouldn't really get to achieve the end result. and i watched as other mommy's lost babies and children ... and i felt helpless ... and built walls.

and then i heard a faint heartbeat. and it felt better.

and then i saw a first picture ... wiggles and fingers. and it felt more true.

a second heartbeat. flutters at night before bed ... and i realized that i am utterly and completely in love with this little.

i had closed that door up until last week. i didn't think i would (could?) love another. doesn't that sound absolutely horrendous? i just didn't want to be heartbroken. it hurts ... i KNOW that. i always think that i let myself fall too fast with the first baby. i didn't leave room for any ... potential loss. and now ... i'm falling in love all over again ... with this little someone.

and i'm torn between knowing that i should ... and wanting to protect my heart at the same time ...

so i guess i just wanted to say ... stick with me for awhile. please?

i'm working some stuff out in my head ... word-wise. and it's just easier to post pictures and silly nonsense in the meantime. so feel free to pass memes and questions in my direction. i could sure use them.

thanks. for everything.