Monday, August 10, 2009

i really want to just say something ...

but i'm not sure what i want to say.
which is a perfectly good reason to open up a new blog post, wouldn't you think? because the direction that this started in ... pretty much guarantees that this post may just not really GO anywhere ... or it may just kinda go ... everywhere.

so ... stick with me for a minute?

there might be a beer in the fridge ... i don't really know ... i haven't searched for one of those in awhile.

i'm pretty sure there's no olive juice ... which according to a previous post's comments ... is ok with all of you. not me. apparently you guys would prefer a no olive juice drinking policy, i'm guessing.

in other words ... apple juice anyone?

and what's in my head as of late:

so many things happen in life that you least expect. you don't expect friends to lose their babies. you don't expect that people will hurt someone else. you don't expect that a downpour will occur in the middle of the farmer's market forcing you to abandon all hope of making a bit of money for the coming week.

and these things are happening all around me.

and it scares the crap out of me that i'm living in this world where these frightening things happen and i'm raising children to live in a future world that is potentially more scary than what it is today.

why? why does it have to happen that way?

why can't my world be all sunshine and rainbows?

i think i'm a fixer. i've always been the fixer. i want to solve problems and make things better and take pain away so that other's don't have to deal with it. but i can't. and it frustrates me to no end.

there are these moments that i wish for a life filled with concern in regards to the state of my housekeeping rather than what worldwide issue is going to affect me and my girls.

i wish that i didn't lay awake at night attempting to figure out how i am going to save all of my children in an emergency. when the husband is out of town.

i wish that picking out a baby name was easy.

i wish that i could be reassured that everything is going fabulously with this baby. on a daily basis. ever since ... i'm eternally worried that the next corner that i turn will send my world crashing down. i realize that there is so little that i can do.

(are you still here? i'm rambling. i realize. it's what happens when i decided to pour open my brain after a hiatus.)

i think i started this baby with a nagging feeling that i wouldn't really get to achieve the end result. and i watched as other mommy's lost babies and children ... and i felt helpless ... and built walls.

and then i heard a faint heartbeat. and it felt better.

and then i saw a first picture ... wiggles and fingers. and it felt more true.

a second heartbeat. flutters at night before bed ... and i realized that i am utterly and completely in love with this little.

i had closed that door up until last week. i didn't think i would (could?) love another. doesn't that sound absolutely horrendous? i just didn't want to be heartbroken. it hurts ... i KNOW that. i always think that i let myself fall too fast with the first baby. i didn't leave room for any ... potential loss. and now ... i'm falling in love all over again ... with this little someone.

and i'm torn between knowing that i should ... and wanting to protect my heart at the same time ...

so i guess i just wanted to say ... stick with me for awhile. please?

i'm working some stuff out in my head ... word-wise. and it's just easier to post pictures and silly nonsense in the meantime. so feel free to pass memes and questions in my direction. i could sure use them.

thanks. for everything.


Sprite's Keeper said...

Oh, sweetie. The what if's plague me too and I'm not even pregnant. When these terrible things happen to people you know and love, yes, be sympathetic, but also be happy that you are in a good space. While bracing yourself for the other foot, take a little bit of time to appreciate what you've already got. Now, if I could make myself believe my own assvice, I'd be set.

Lorri said...

I can tell you that it gets better. And worse sometimes. But then better again; at least in moments. Someday you may be revisiting all these feelings--like I am--as your children have children. I look at my 3 month old grandson and wonder why in the world my daughter would put her heart out there, put this child out there, take this risk in this world. And risk all of our hearts since we all fell in love with him too. But then, Jen, I see my mostly grown up daughters and am reminded that the world does go on, move forward, change and we change with it. We can't plan life's tomorrows with any real success but we can embrace the todays. What you are feeling is so wonderfully, perfectly NORMAL and reasonable! I think your wandering head/mind are doing just fine.

Pamela said...

I'm sorry you don't have any olive juice. Really. Even though drinking olive juice seems wrong to me, I wish you had some.

And also, I'm another mama who wishes she was more concerned with her housekeeping and things in her control than the state of the world.

It will be okay.

amanda said...

i just want to say that i get it. all of it. hugs friend.

Connie Weiss said...

Saturday was my first due date. I kept one else remembers but me.

Thank you for your sweet comment today. I'm so thankful for you.

anymommy said...

Hugs. It's hard and scary, and incredibly beautiful and wonderful to fall in love with these little ones. I'd guess, just like me, you are enjoying every minute and trying to breathe when the fear takes over. That's all we can do.

Casey said...

I'm a fixer too and I've had friends go through similar issues and I couldn't do a thing. I'm sorry you're feeling so down in the dumps over it.