Sunday, June 14, 2009

it all started with french fries.

or curly fries to be more specific.

we were sitting at our little corner table ... having a quick bite to eat before our last dance class of the season. when the waft of fried seasoned potato cut into a curly fashion crept into my olfactory senses.

the queasiness started rising to the surface.

and then the children began assaulting me with their curly fry encrusted fingers smothered in ketchupy hues of red.

i just about lost it.

i kept placing my nasty blackberry iced tea in my face breathing in the scent of something not nearly strong enough to cancel out the stench of ketchuped curlies.

when we finally got to the car *deep breath* ... mini-van ... i rushed to grab the year old vanilla scented air freshener and attempted to smoosh it into my nostrils to rectify the scent of the spiraled potatoes that stella decided she needed to bring along with her.

and then i cried.

i cried in dance class when a little girl was bawling over ... i have no idea ... something. not. even. my. child. and i cried because she was sobbing.

i bawled when an on-star commercial came on and some poor man somewhere had been recorded during a car accident involving him being crushed into the front of his car. and the amazingly wonderful on-star woman told him that she would stay with him until someone else was there to help him.

i felt tears welling up because i was going to take a test to find out if i was pregnant and i was already 5 days late ... and because i hate french fries.

my husband and my best friend got me through that test.

the positive one.

the one that i peed on and immediately two pink lines appeared.

the one that told me that i'm pregnant with my third baby. my last baby.

and i'm trying to spend every single minute cherishing the fact that i feel like crap and that french fries suck and on-star telephone operators are the most wonderful people on the face of the earth.

it's hard though.

i took a bite of sliced ham the other day and remembered a note about avoiding lunch meats.
i walk through the day unbelievably exhausted and forget that i need to seek out opportunities to nap and let my body do what it's supposed to do.
i thoroughly enjoyed a delicious salad with pecans and craisins and goat cheese and balsamic dressing ... remembering (the next day) that soft cheeses should be avoided during pregnancy.

i'm happy. so happy. unexpectedly thrilled at the prospect of adding to our gaggle of girls. admittedly at peace with the idea of potential hues of blue popping up amid pinks and purples.

however ... i suppose this is how it is with your third pregnancy? too busy to remember every single minute that i actually AM pregnant?
does it sound horrendously awful if i say that i feel detached? if i say that i feel more insecure about this pregnancy than i did the last time? even though i'm constantly queasy and exhausted. and i'm experiencing the strangest dreams ... including one a week before the positive test in which i found out i was 6 weeks pregnant. i wasn't six weeks at the time. i don't think. i don't even remember when i need to go to see my midwife. i want to call her and i want to see her and i want her to kiss me on the cheek and tell me congratulations and i want her to tell me this is all going to happen. and it's true. and it's going to be ok.

but i don't feel like it's definite yet. although, i'm sure that the first whoosh of a heartbeat and the kick of a foot against my bladder will help with the inevitabilityness of it all.

i'll get there ... i'm sure. with a due date curiously close to the date that i lost my first baby. we're coming full circle, baby.

and i promise ... i'll pick out a name for you by the time you arrive. as long as you keep up the no-french-fry deal ... which is so good for mama's already expanding waistline.

to my friends and family that read this post before we've had the chance to call ... i'm sorry that you didn't hear this in person. i'm sorry that i've been so outright crazily busy that i haven't had the gumption to place a phone call to you. it's just that i needed to get my thoughts out on paper ... the internet ... i just needed to get these thoughts and feelings out of my wildly spinning mind. please know that i love you ... much. and i want you to call me and tell me that you'll go to the pool with me ... even though i'm going to look like a beached whale and i probably won't spend the money to buy a maternity suit by the end of the summer. i would really appreciate hearing that you will still love me ... even though you will no longer babysit for me.

and to my husband ... i'm sorry that i didn't check with you before i hit publish. i probably should have asked.

and to stella ... i'll try my hardest to ensure that you don't miss out on mommytime. and thank you for making me laugh tonight when you told cora that daddys have sprinkles that want to make babies with mommys eggs. because from now on ... i will only refer to them as sprinkles. it sounds so much better.

and to cora ... i'm sorry that i can't open up my tummy so that you can see the baby. but i love that you ask everytime that we are snuggled up together. soon enough darling. soon enough.

13 comments:

little.birdy said...

CONGRATS! Yay babies!

Pamela said...

I think that if goat cheese tastes good to you, you should eat it. But really, nobody should eat lunch meats, er, lunch corn and chemicals.

And I love that those little guys are called sprinkles now. Doesn't make them more palatable, though.

And we didn't call people to tell them about E. I posted and sent an email to everyone in my address book. It was just easier.

My mother? Didn't talk to me for a month. It was kind of like a vacation.

I wish I had a good suggestion about the scent-induced nausea. I've got nothing. But for the babeh-induced nausea, Target has this Ginger Beer, Archer Farms brand, that is leaps and bounds better than ginger ale. It's nothing like ginger ale, and you should know that before you gulp some. It's not really for gulping. It's for sipping. Trust me on this one.

It will be okay. Really, truly, it will be way more than okay. It will be fabulous.

amanda said...

yipppeee congrats friend!! is it wrong that i was secretly hoping this was the going on's in the coconut belly household!!

seriously sooo happy for you!

just to remember to breathe :)

ps - i wish that area sounded familiar. or that we would actually be closer when you arrive. maybe one day you will come back and we can make it work?

Connie Weiss said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!

I'm so excited for you! Okay...so Xanax for you....

Sprite's Keeper said...

Yay! Girl, you so made me cry at work today. I just couldn't comment until now. I'm so happy for you!

Kirsten said...

Congrats!!! Three is a magic number. :-)

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

Oh I'm so happy for you! Congratulations!

Keely said...

Yay! Congratulations! I wondered if that was your 'much happenings' and then I didn't get a chance to visit....so now I'm saying YAY!

I heard the 'soft cheese' thing too but my doctor didn't say it, so I figured I was safe ;)

Christine B. said...

YAY!!!!!!!! COngratulations!!!

Welcome to the Three Kids Club!! I am so excited for you! Life is going to be richer and busier than you ever thought possible...and maybe you will have a terrifically cute and snuggly little boy, like I did. ;)

BTW, the cheese thing is only about cheese made with unpasteurized milk...check the labels. I ate goat cheese and feta through all of my pregnancies. :)

anymommy said...

Wonderful, wonderful news. Enjoy it all, except the nausea, that is not enjoyable. xoxo

blissfully caffeinated said...

Congrats!!! I'm seriously behind the times here!

That first wacky trimester is such a pain in the you know what. Cling to the dream of week #12. Personally, I like sour tangerine Altoids for the nausea. And refuse to lay off the Feta. But my old OB always said to be rational about things. If I wanted to eat soft cheese, go ahead, but make sure it's in moderation and make sure it's not imported. Other than that, I'm good. Also, Subway sandwiches kept me sane through my furst trimester, so I have a giant lunch meat fail.

So happy for you! Take care of yourself, try to rest as much as you can.

xo

Stella and Thomas said...

Congrats! I am so behind!! I would sometimes forget I was pregnant with my third....life was just too busy:-) Three has been so easy and wonderful. I think once you have two, three is a piece of cake.

athena said...

gah. you make me cry. i love you.