home ... and the realization that life isn't much different than it was when i left.

i'm home.

i imagined myself barging through the door ... arms opened wide ... my children would run into them, enveloped in the magnitude of love that i've felt for them while i was away (pretending to be an expert ... and watching other experts and realizing that i'm not) ...

my children would hug me and kiss me and tell me how much they missed me and not let go of me for the rest of the night ...

and i would swallow it all in. relishing every single second. never wanting to leave again. realizing that this is where i am the expert. i keep the house running. i make sure that stripes and polka dots don't go together. i am the one that can put in the professionally accomplished pigtails. i am the only one that can do this mothering thing.

but even without my presence for a few days ... it's apparent that life proceeded.

the house was still standing.

my skye-dog came running from the backyard to acknowledge my homecoming. her and i dragged my heavily weighted bags into the front door. and looked around. it was still my house. picked up. no different from the moment i walked out the door on sunday.

we walked back outside. i yelled their names into the chilly evening air. (imagine if you will a streetcar named desire inspired "steeeelllaaa"). no answer. no screams of delight. no response.

no messy haired, disheveled children running up to mama pleading for me to stay home forever.

skye-dog and i wandered into the backyard and the girls were playing on the swingset.
they smiled and cora smiled ... "mommy home!" she said. and then went back to swinging. her loosely fastened blonde pigtails whispering in the wind. stella was a bit more standoffish. an emotion i'm just not used to seeing in her. quietly showing me her newly acquired skill ... the ability to pump whilst swinging. "i don't need to be pushed anymore mama!" she told me.

and they were coordinated ... not necessarily each other ... but their outfits ... matched.

it was the way i had left it. more like a single work day's absence, and not three.

i had a secret little wish that everyone would miss me terribly and realize how important the little things that i do daytoday are ...

i wanted my husband to struggle just a little ... to have a renewed appreciation for what i do when he is gone ...

i wanted to not like getting away ... to stay where i am ... because it's easier on everyone ...

most of all i wanted to come home refreshed ... and i did. not with all the hoopla and relief that i had envisioned ...

but still ... i'm home.