Saturday, February 13, 2010

valentine's day ...


roses, originally uploaded by jenniferlivolson.
like so many others i'm sure ...
putting up a v-day post.

though not lovey-dovey and sweet ... because i don't really feel like it.
honestly.

'tis the life of a wife of a pilot.

not to mention a hard night last night and the night before and today. where ... completely unlike myself ... it took everything i had to work up the motivation to escape the house for a mere hour. with all three children. i'm not sure if it's the winter-ish weather ... or the new baby-ness. or the overwhelming feelings of insecurity at being able to do THIS. but it was just a really rough day.

and the seeing and hearing of people in the midst of celebrating valentine's day ... just doesn't make it easier knowing that i don't have the love of my life beside me - when i really feel like i need him.

7 years ago ... tonight ... i didn't know the feeling of your heart breaking into a billion pieces.  7 years ago ... tomorrow ... i did.

and it's probably the hormones and the new baby in my life and this lack of confidence ... but it feels really really ... raw tonight.

and here is where i try my best to kick that negativity to the curb and look for the positives. because ... seriously? there are so many positives ... they sometimes just hide in the clouds ...

like stella. who would never have been. the little someone who glued my heart back together and showed me that i was meant to be a mama.  seeing her becoming herself.  trying to figure out who she is.  and knowing that i do know ... but i have to let her figure it out herself.

and cora. who teaches me daily to laugh and giggle. my little middle that is growing rapidly before my eyes.  opening my eyes to amazing things in this world that i don't see well with my adult-like vision.

and my finn. teaching me that life is full of surprises. and unexpecteds. throwing me out of my comfort zone ... and forcing me to see more joy in the littlest of things.  like a hot shower.  or a warm meal.

and my husband. the love of my life. the man that will teach my son to be such an amazing husband. the man that teaches my girls that they should never settle for less in love.
the man that brings home two dozen roses a week before valentine's day. because we had an argument. and those beautiful roses were accompanied by a costco sized container of jelly belly jelly beans.  and who officially claimed that day as i love you day

come to think of it ... that container of jelly beans is at least half full still too. 

happy valentine's day to all of you too ... friends.  family.  love.

7 comments:

Allison said...

Every Day is Valentines day with a family so full of love

Pamela said...

sigh. love. sigh.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Oh my heavens! I thought you had stopped blogging in your last trimester! My feed stopped receiving updates! Mazel tov on such a beautiful boy! And I love the name. I hope your Valentines ended well at least. Updating my Reader now to make sure I don't miss anymore!

amanda said...

i don't know how you do it mama - but you do it beautifully :)

KJ said...

1st of all beacause I have becomed so consumed with my own life..i'm self-fish like that...i would like to say CONGRATS on new baby Finn..he is super cute!!!

2ndly: I feel your pain about the whole love of your life not being there on V-Day..we spent ours in the air..on two seperate planes..my was headed from MSP to IND he was headed back to MSP from IND...B says his plane passed mine in the air and he waved.. so I guess that counts! Anyway we did Vday on that Friday as we were together..and I like that better anyway the rest of the world wasn't stepping on my day..as I said I'm self-fish ;)

Anyway Congrats to you and yours!

Kelly said...

Happy Vday to you too! Just know you're never alone! xoxo

steenky bee said...

I'm with Pammy up there. Le sigh. You seem awfully happy for someone who is breastfeeding....