coconut belly

he's two now. my boy is two.

2012-01-31T23:40:00.000-06:00

there's really so much to tell you ... and i promise. i think of those things that i wish that i want to tell you ... but sometimes i just can't. because of the major lack of time and the lack of motivation too.

but something that i really did need to stop by to say?

my boy is two now.

TWO.
crazy.cakes.

and he has a funny thing lately about not wanting to look into the camera. the boy better get over that quickly. and yes. that is a finn finger sized chunk scooped from the middle of the cake. and yes. elmo is driving the train. choo choo.

and just because this is what i always do ... even though i'm superduper behind on blogging the 1/2 birthdays around here ...

two.
so ... two reasons why i love you, little man.

i wish it was easier to narrow down to two simple reasons why i'm so overly in love with you.
it's not easy.
and i really need to get myself in bed.

so here goes.

one.
your song that is always in your head. in your heart.
you sing. all the time. you are always singing a tune or humming or do-do-do-ing. while playing cars...while driving tractors across my couch...while reading books. while falling asleep...
it's just pretty much adorable.

two.
your love that you have for your family. you love big. and it melts my heart when you tell me that you love me unprompted. pamela was just so right when she told me that there is just *something* about the way that a boy loves his mama. i get it now.

you are two. and loved beyond measure. happy birthday to my little blue caboose.

gone.

2012-01-11T22:57:00.000-06:00

and then she was gone.

the world feels a little bit lighter and a little bit lonelier.

quieter. peaceful. less rushed and busy and full of guilt of not being there this morning or this afternoon. of feeling like we weren't giving her enough of our time and watching others give more. more of the quiet and sitting in her room and wishing her life while wishing her passing on quietly.

we were told hours. and that was precisely what we had. the knowledge pouring from people that seem to know so much more about the process of dying than us. i'm not entirely certain that i want their knowledge. but it was so nice of them to share at a moment when we needed to know.

i knew of the hours. shared the hours with you ... and tried to secure childcare after realizing that i really didn't feel that taking the kids with was a great idea. childcare wasn't so easy to secure. so i waited and readied the children for bedtime. feeling rushed and full of angst. short tempered and frustrated.

i sent the girly girls to watch television while i nursed the boy to sleep.

in the quiet ... i made myself peaceful and calm. wished it upon myself.
and did.

i sang the ABCDEFGs and tinkle-tinkle-yittle-star and wheels-on-bus-wound-n-wound ... over and over.
he finally relaxed and slept.
i crept out and rushed the girly-girls into bed now that my dad had arrived.
my sister texted mom ... we're on our way.
mom texted in response ... gma is gone.

hours spilled into minutes into seconds and drifted away.

we still went.

and we sat in her room while she laid there with her eyes open and her mouth agape and i watched her chest. i knew that she was gone ... but i couldn't help but think about how her chest wasn't rising and falling with breath. how i shouldn't be sitting in this room with a body. how that's not just a body. it's my grandma. watching my mom ... more concerned with her and how she felt. watching my aunts ... holding strong. telling stories. laughing. all of us trying to keep the air light while stealing glances at her.

or ... her body.

it's funny how you think that this is what you want for her ... but it's not what you want for us. and how living is hard on the dying and how death is hard on the living.

my mind flips and flops between it all.

we readied ourselves. picked up our things. and walked out.

we walked out.

and honestly ... it was the hardest thing we did. it was the hardest thing i did. (i guess i can't speak for everyone else). walking away and leaving her in the hospital room ... eyes wide open. we left. holding hands. holding each other. holding her belongings. we walked out into the cold night. feeling lost. and light. and heavy.
.....................................................................................................
she's gone.

it's been days since i first started this post. leaving you all hanging ... but i couldn't press the final publish post button.

it didn't feel completely over yet. i felt in between.

i spent hours reading her life story that she had written long before her mind had forgotten it all. pages and pages of happenings and dates and cities and names. i poured over them and compiled the important pieces into a very condensed obituary. i learned things about her and her family that i had never before known. things that i'll likely share with you as i look into them further. things that terrify me and enlighten me. things that amaze me and astound me. things.

all of those things that happen between the once upon a time and the happily ever after.

life.

we traveled to where she was to be laid to rest. we took her home.

finn smiled when he saw grandma sleeping.
i don't know how to explain that to an (almost) two year old. we told him that grandma went bye bye. he could repeat it. but i'm not sure that he really knows. but does he really need to?

we left her.
there.
home.
and it was so hard to walk away once again. for the final time. it was hard to leave her there in the cold windy air. alone. but not alone ... surrounded by her loved ones that preceded her. brothers and parents. my grandfather at her side.
..........................................................................................................
i have a mason jar filled with flowers now ... sitting atop my refrigerator so that the cat doesn't chew them. pink roses and snapdragons. pink daisies and rose buds. flowers that the kids gathered from her at her gravesite. flowers that they held onto while watching our tears fall. flowers that they carried across the state lines. begging me to put into water just as soon as i was able ... so that they could hold onto them.

eventually those too will wilt and the petals will fall among the mess in the kitchen.
gone.

hours.

2012-01-03T17:45:00.000-06:00

her eyes flicker. open. staring. but not focusing. not looking at me.

pain?
memories?
annoyance?
recognition?

we're here. we've been here for so many hours. when we were told hours and maybe not overnight ... we were here. all of us. here. by her bedside. tears. and hugs.

and then we stayed. in shifts. so that she wouldn't be alone. shifts of hours. mornings. afternoons. nights. days.

sometimes there was just one of us.
sometimes there were many.
some from far away.
some from near.

decisions that we didn't want to make were made.
decisions that we didn't want to talk about were discussed.
hellos.
goodbyes.
hellos.

and now? hours.
maybe?

god. this mountain of emotion and ups and downs and all over the place is what is the hardest.
it shouldn't be hard. this dying process should be easy and painless and peaceful. someone should not have to try hard to move on to the next phase in life.
her life has been lived fully.

and as for us?
we sit.
and think thoughts that we think we shouldn't be thinking.
wishing that she would just let go.
wishing that her heart wasn't so strong.
wishing that she would close her eyes and fall peacefully asleep.
wishing that she would go and take her husband's hand as he led her to their next life.

i remember sitting in his lap.
i have that memory of him.

i don't remember sitting in hers.

she was never the soft, make cookies and cuddle on the couch grandmother.

she was hard. and tough. and strong.

she still is.

i've whispered i love yous to her more often in the past week than i have in my lifetime. i've touched her shoulder and moved her hair out of her eyes. i've consoled her during pain. and shhh shhhhed her to sleep.

i've started and stopped letters to her all week.
it's the curse of a writer, i suppose. we feel ... and our fingers itch to lay words upon a surface.
the next morning ... i look at the scratches and can't send them out for someone else to read.

until today.
when i heard hours.

hours.
hours.
hours.

goodbyes.

because i realized during writing this ... that it is actually tuesday ... and all good just write things happen on tuesday ... so i'm linking up. go there. read other people's scratches. tell them how amazing they are. because they probably took parts of their hours to just write something. and it's truly amazing what hours can do.

pups and heels.

2011-12-12T16:28:00.000-06:00

love this photo from my sister's session that we did for her housewarming invitations.

it was almost exactly as i had envisioned during my planning. except for the fact that my little pup niece, talullah, wouldn't sit still ...

can't really blame her ... she was only a few weeks old and just over a pound!

linking up to i {heart} faces ... this week it's all about animals!

in which I realize that i'm absolutely terrified of mice ...

2011-12-07T09:12:00.000-06:00

& that my husband doesn't really care.

oh my, y'all ... I'm not entirely certain what woke us in the first place ... but ...

i heard cats playing. squeak.
cats rustling. squeak squeak.

& then, the husband that pretty much has no hearing left after being bombarded by airplane noise day after day ... said, "what's that noise?" ...

"it sounds like a mouse."

& then you know that screeching record sound?
& the feeling of every hair on your body standing tall?
& your heart speeding into overdrive?

yeah. that.

let me preface this story by telling you about a "mouse" in my house years ago.

I was all, "oh, what's that on my floor?" & i bent closer down until my nose was practically touching the floor ... and just as i was about to reach out and touch it because i was unaware of what that THING was ... i noticed that it was a nose with whiskers. attached to a skull & a spine.
like some freaky cartoon where a kitty pulls a mousey appetizer through it's teeth.

I promptly grabbed the closest tupperware. slammed it over the top of the "mouse". put a gigantasaurus dictionary on top. & called my dad. to come and help me. and then i pretty much sat in the corner rocking.

so, this. tonight? it's a big problem. it's alive. it squeaks & it's in my bathroom.

heart racing, palms sweating ... I kind of (not really) casually ask jeremy if he's gonna go get it. to which he responds, "i don't see you jumping out of the bed to get it *harry houdini."

but he didn't really say harry houdini ... I think he said some track & field athlete. but I don't really know because i'm not a track & field fan ...
& because i was FUCKING SCARED out of my mind.

so he got out of bed. (finally) & so did I (to show camaraderie). and I stood on the step we have for my bed. but then I couldn't get off the step because I was freaking out. and I really wished that I slept in socks because apparently socks give you courage when dealing with mice. but my socks were across the room in the drawer, so no luck there.

jeremy went in search of ... something. & he was gone for a really really long time.

& then he came back and asked if I'd found something to catch it with. but I pretty much hadn't moved, so he just got pissy at me and left again.

he left me standing on my poor pathetic little step wishing for socks.

so I stood at my post watching to make sure that nothing left the bathroom.
and i watched and i watched and i watched.

and made a plan.

my plan was that if it came running at me, i would either jump onto the fan and hang from the ceiling
or
i would sail through the air, over the mouse, run into finn's room grab him. take him into the girl's room. stuff dirty clothes into the space between the door and the floor. and hide out there until the mouse was gone or died of old age.

i'm just gonna come out & say it. i really don't love mice and they can die if they live in my house.
i think i would much prefer to have the littles living in my walls.

wait. maybe I should rethink that statement.
because even though the littles are cool & resourceful & stuff, it might not be awesome having a crapload of little people living in your walls.

plus also? I don't have any thread spools and thimbles lying around, so they'd have to use those little plastic pizza box things for tables and legos for chairs, which wouldn't be as homey. and probably uncomfortable.
but i think they were pretty much made up ... so i don't have to worry about that right now.
oh crap. finn whimpered. and i pretty much couldn't move. so i willed him back to sleep. with my mind. it worked. whew.

and then i secretly prayed that the mouse wasn't gnawing on his sweet little baby face.

jeremy came back, finally, empty handed. again. and I reminded him about the puke bucket in the cupboard that he could use to capture the mouse and he asked how he would pick it up and I said
"slide a freaking piece of paper or cardboard or something underneath!"
thinking, "i'll gladly find cardboard, if you would just cover up the mouse, first ... so that I can move."

but instead, he rushes off to find cardboard ...
but not before seeing the mouse & exclaiming, "oh that's a big one"

oh fuck, thanks.

new plan.
if it comes at me ... i'm running out the back door & moving to a new house with 3 bathrooms and 42 cats. so that at any given moment there will be at least one bathroom without a mouse living in it.

i watched the doors.

husband came back with cardboard. grabs the puke bucket.
and can't freaking find the mouse.
so i offer suggestions.
to which he responds, "i don't really want to hear anything from you."

because apparently ... he forgot that men are supposed to always save their wives from scary mice. i swear, don't you have to pass that test in boy school before you are allowed to become a man? i thought there was a whole chapter titled "Saving Your Wife From Creatures". and included tips for keeping mice, snakes, axe murderers and spiders away from your wife.

and maybe also includes a blurb about NOT GETTING PISSY AT YOUR WIFE WHEN SHE IS SCARED OF SAID CREATURE/S.

currently, i've made it to finn's room. i'm vowing never to sleep again & i'm never using the bathroom again.
and i totally, of course, have to pee.
edited to add ...
ok. fine. maybe he does love me ... because when i woke up ... i asked him to come and help me pee. and first he said no. but then he went and turned on all the lights and then peed first to make sure that it wasn't hiding in the toilet. he didn't hold my hand while i peed, holding a broom and standing watch over me ... like i would have preferred ... but i think maybe he does care ... a little bit.

tired.

2011-11-28T21:58:00.000-06:00

i knew from the moment that she exited her cocoon of a bed that she was still tired.
so tired.

she fell into a heap of tears because of ... something.
{i have really no idea what it was}

and then she sobbed because we were heading to pick up grandma for a day at the zoo.
{i still don't really understand why}

and she was full of smiles and laughter and love and joy and happy.
{and all of those other nice positive filled words}

but throughout the day i found myself quietly whispering ... she is so tired.
she is just really so tired.
excusing her from my frustration with her just being four-ness. her tiredness. her tears. her flipflopping happies and sads.
or trying to.

i have days where i feel like i'm totally and completely failing everyone that relies so heavily on me for oh-so-many things.
and days where i kinda pat myself on the back for maintaining composure and managing 3 children.
i was kind of patting myself after accomplishing zoo in 2 hours. with 3 non-crying children.
wherein i (thankfully had mom along ... but still) managed to encourage curiousity. answer questions. create questions. ask questions.
i was *that* mom.
and it felt so freaking good.

grandma invited us all over for dinner.
so we managed to get finners there napless.
and managed to put him down.
and managed to eat peacefully.
{which isn't always accomplishable when finners is around}

and then it was time to leave.
probably *past* time to leave ...

and cora lost it.
again.

she's so tired.
she is just really really tired.
i whispered to noone but myself.

and i herded everyone to the car.
and went back for her.

i've taken to calling her my "pickle in the middle"
why?
i don't know.
i hated that game as a child.
it's like the outsides are teasing you and taunting you. and there just really isn't any sure way to get that ball from their hands. i feel nervous and clicky and anxious thinking about it.
i hate that game.
but that girl has my heart.
i love that girl.

i went back for her and scooped her up ... sobbing. crying. ... picked up her purple boots and carried her to the car after her pitiful goodbyes to the grandma that she didn't want to see today anyways but was super excited to see when we saw her.
see?
flipfloppy.

she continued the whimpering and the crying ... as we drove home.

finn was noticeably worried about her ... and i heard his sweet little voice from the backseat ...

tay?
tyin'?
want-mama?
hand?

and i watched as he reached out his little bitty hand to her and just simply held hers for the remainder of the ride home.

i cried.

i cried alone quietly ... because i know that i can accomplish things like zoo with three kids. and dinner from nothing in the cupboard. and studying for spelling tests. and reprimanding snooty almost 8 year olds. and managing bedtime. and up-all-nighters. and no coffee creamer kinds of mornings.

but my success as a mama rested alone in his reach for her to comfort her when she was hurting.

tomorrow they will probably fight.

i'm sure someone will be tired. really really tired.
or teething.
or just snooty.
or crabby.
or sick.

because someone always is.

and i'll probably find something else to take pride in. and i'll probably kick myself for doing something else.

see?
flipfloppy.
i wonder where she gets it.

burrowing in ...

2011-11-14T22:37:00.000-06:00

for the {shhhh!} ...

winter.

burrowing in.
simmering soup.
falling leaves.
dancing together.
billowing blankets.
watching movies.
drinking cocoa.
crackling bonfires.
baking breads.
reading books.
painting projects.
darkening nights.
shortening days.
cuddling close.
listening tunes.
playing piano.
making plans.
enjoying family.

that's just a bit of what we've been up to.
.........................................................................................
winners of the shutterfly cards were 6. 1. and 3.
and i do have pictures of the random number thingamajig that i took ... but i really don't want to have to go and upload the pictures ... so can we all just agree to agree.

i'm going to do my best to go and let those people know ... BUT ... i need them to send their emails to me so that i can send them their codes ... so if i don't receive an email by wednesday ... i'll probably have to pick a new person ... k?

everyone happy??

thanks.

winners are ...

number 6 ...
little.birdy said...

Merry and Bright grabbed me!
November 9, 2011 5:41 AM

number 1 ...
darcie said...

I'm a huge fan of shutterfly - obvi! But how on EARTH does one pick just 1 design? aye aye aye.
I loove me some Christmas cards!
November 8, 2011 10:13 PM

and number 3 ...
Terumi said...

What a great contest! Love photo cards:)
November 8, 2011 10:29 PM

whew.
..................................................................................................
heading t'bed.

once upon a time.

2011-11-08T22:02:00.001-06:00

once upon a time ... i was able to get things done.

i may have even been able to send out a christmas letter detailing the events of our not-yet-married life with two cats and one bird.

oh yes. i was *that* person.

if you were lucky?
i included a photo.
uh.huh.

and then ... oh ... about ... seven years, one month and 11 days ago ... something changed.
i had a baby. (hi stella!) and ever since then ... i cannot for the life of me get anything done early.
on time? yes. sometimes. early? rarely.

and so that is why, my friends ... we have resorted to sending out valentines day cards. they pretty much look like i'm trying to be quirky and different and fun! we are fun!! no! really!! we are!!!
but honestly ... i'm pretty much too busy scrambling to purchase gifts and shove the kids in front of santa to be worrying about sending you a christmas card.

my friends over at shutterfly have generously offered to give a few of us the opportunity to get christmas cards. on time.
like ... if you are one of the winners ... you'll pretty much be able to go ahead and order your cards ... and send them out and be the first person on the block to send out christmas cards.

or?

you can be like me and just order your valentine's day cards all early like ... and give yourself a few months of sitting around and doing absolutely nothing (ha!) before you actually have to lick the envelopes and slap a stamp on them.

look!

now ... if you pretty much FORCED me to make a decision for a card to get out by christmas ... and you promised to come over to my house with wine and maybe a spiked punch drink that i had all warm and christmasy like the other day ... and you vowed to write all of my addresses and lick all of my envelopes and place all of my stamps in the upper right hand corner ... i might just pick this as my favorite.

(it's the confetti jacks christmas card. super adorable. plus not TOO christmasy.)

then again ... i just spent the last 25 minutes looking at all the super cute and adorable and lovely options over there ... take a look over here ...

and then ... i'm probably going to spend another few hours pouring over all of these cute gift ideas.

or ... OR! these calendars.

note to any family members reading this post ... you might just want to put your gift requests in the comments section ... it will be so much easier for me to find prior to december 24th when i would usually scramble to put together something for you. and honestly ... if you want to just go ahead and order your own present, slap my name on it and send me a bill ... i'll take that option too.
i'm kidding. seriously.
but it's really not a bad idea.
i'm kidding, though. i totally love shopping. especially at christmas time.
ok. now i'm having heart palpatations.
remember my last christmasy shopping trip?

at this point ... we're all just going to go ahead and assume that shutterfly will never again ask me to be a spokesperson for them because i'm rambling about gifts and shopping and breastfeeding babies. yes. those things are all related.

and on a sidenote? i'm fairly certain that this is going to be my card this year.

it's the 'love and whimsy' card.

but probably with pictures of my family. unless they won't sit still.

THE BEST THING EVER?

shutterfly has given me the chance to give three (3!) of you a set of 25 of *your very own* cards to hand out this holiday season ... so ... go ahead and leave me a comment after you go and visit over at shutterfly to pick our your most favorite card ...

it's gonna be a hard decision ... you might want to put the kids to bed first ...

i'm going to close this contest on ... sunday 11-13-11 at 11:59 pm. pretty much because i don't work on monday so i can find some random number picker thingy and have it pick three numbers from the probably really high number of comments that i'm going to get ... (ha!) ... because shutterfly mentioned something about my "influential blog" and that kinda makes me giggle. (do i really influence you? that seems a bit crazy to me.)

got that?
shutterfly.
cute cards.
christmas?
valentine's day?
win 25!
send them!
best holiday season ever.

whew.

** obviously ... this post is sponsored by shutterfly. they were generous enough to give me a few cards to hand out this year. and super nice enough to give me a few to give to you ... and even though they were kind enough to do all of that ... the opinions of how cute their cards are ... are actually mine.

** “Are you a blogger? Want a chance at 25 free cards this holiday season? Register here: http://goo.gl/DDw7Q”

where i'm from ...

2011-11-06T22:33:00.000-06:00

i am from a teeny house with front railings that doubled as my noble steeds, from a child sized library full of golden books and saturday night taco bell followed by pirate ships at the park.

i am from the deliciously scented lilac trees abundantly painted in their hues of purples and whites and the ant covered peonies blooming in wild pink bunches across the backyard. from the yellow butter loving of dandelions and the wisps of their seeds as we blew them into the wind.
i am from frequent "i love yous" and selective shyness, from alice and doris and kristi and so many other mamas that came before us and paved the way for us to be amazing at what we do.

i am from the wish to fade into the background of busy-ness and the desire to truly connect with my friends in quiet spaces and places. i am from creative energy and color. i am from connections and love and smiles.

from "i am proud of yous" and so many more "i love yous". from hugs and kisses and powerful nonverbal communication that said so much more than words could simply say. actions.
i am from here and there faith and the realization that faith and religion are a part of something so much larger and so much less defined. less confined. less. and sometimes more.
i'm from norway and minnesota, lefse and grandma's chocolate chip cookies. with milk of course.

from the kinda sorta hippy-ish parents that worked together at kentucky fried chicken when they were younger (my dad actually mixed the secret spice recipe once ... though he has no idea what was in it), the grandmother that molded the lives of so many children through teaching, and the grandmother that raised so many children with the family need for quiet aloneness in a house that was anything but.
i am from pictures and frames bombarding the shelves. from portraits and artwork adoring the walls. i am from boxes and boxes of family memories. and intricately cut out silhouettes of my sister and i hanging in my mama's bedroom to this day.

i am me.
and i am a part of all of this.
and it ... is a part of me.

... i wish i could remember where this came from. it's been sitting in my posts to be finished pile for quite some time. it called to me so i rambled out the answers rather quickly. do you know where it came from originally?

where are you from?

drowning.

2011-11-01T23:03:00.000-05:00

i feel like i'm drowning in my days.
i dive in as soon as my eyes flutter awake. straight into the depth of the morning ... coffee. shower. closet. "good morning." breakfast. clothing. "gym, today?" make up. teeth. kisses. love yous.

out the door.

i hit the ground running on a tuesday morning. which is my monday ... but still. i'm constantly playing catch up from the days before. meeting. paperworking. computering. emailing. calling. scheduling. reading. therapizing. nodding. gathering. shifting. smoothing. extinguishing. driving. listening. talking.

and i often quickly run home for kisses and cuddles and lunch.

and then i head back to another location or two for more meeting. paperworking. computering. emailing. calling. scheduling. reading. therapizing. nodding. gathering. shifting. smoothing. extinguishing. driving. listening. talking.

dinner. and homework. and bedtime. and chores.

and life.

this is all just to say ... damn. life is freaking hard. it's busy and chaotic and rushing and wonderful and full.

so. full. of a lovely chaos. that i rarely have time in my day to sit and get out the words and the creative mumbo-jumbo that eats me up inside late at night. i think in words and colors and textures. i dream of what i would say, what i might say, what i will say. my fingers long to tippity tap out words for noone but myself. because if i don't they might not get said.

is my life any different than yours?

do you feel like you are sometimes drowning in your days?

is that just who we are as mamas??

did my grandmother ever feel like this as she ushered 12 little lives from morning to night?
..................................................................................................................................
i'm drowning. and sometimes i don't feel like i'm going to survive the depth of the waters. i feel like there is so much i want and so much i need and so much that i'm doing ... but there are certain things that are absolutely just not an option to give up. because they feed my soul. there are crazy things that i do late into the night when the house is quiet and the world has slowed down.

i kiss sleeping heads.
i write.
i play with photographs.
i whisper to myself.
i make milkshakes.
i breathe.
i take bubble baths.
i stretch.
i make hopes for tomorrow.
i forgive myself for today.
i sit.
i read.
i wonder.
...........................................................................................................................
"you are a good mommy," she tells me.
"i could never do what you do," she says.

i look at her questioningly ... because holy granola ... she raised 6 children and had 6 others in her care for a large portion of their littleness. that's 12. twelve. TWELVE.

i'm drowning in 3.

"how can this be harder?" i ask her.
"there were TWELVE in your house. that's 9 more than i have. grandma! i don't know how *you* did it! patty always had broken bones. you had numerous sons. you had a husband that wasn't always around for help. you did so much on your own! no car. no daycare. i can't imagine."

it's a simple answer, she tells me that things were just different.
...................................................................................................................
it was quiet, here. the house stood still. i could hear the hum of the refrigerator. the whirr of the heat and a pup snoring in the living room.
a whimper rose to a full out cry ...

i left my words on the computer and fast tiptoed to his room.

he wouldn't fall asleep for me earlier. on a day when i felt the water toppling over my head and didn't know how i was going to make it through another hour ... he stalled. and sang ABCs and counted in his annoyingly sweet voice ...
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. yay!
he applauded for himself over and over and over again.
i silently screamed. and grew increasingly frustrated.
i put him down. over and over and over again. the boy wouldn't go to sleep. until finally he laid in my lap long enough to nurse into sleepiness.

i tiptoed into the boy's room and sang him a lullaby ... quietly. without applause. i stroked his sweaty hair behind his ears and kissed his head softly.

i forgave myself for being frustrated. and forgave him for being almost two.
...............................................................................................................................
i resurface ... not gasping for breath, but ready for sleep. i'm sure i'll dive into these waters again tomorrow. and i'm sure that i'll feel moments of drowning.

but i'll also feel moments of unbelieveable gratitude for what i've been given.
.................................................................................................................................
and because a post is not a post without a photo ... my witches and my bat.

love them.

thanks for listening.

go visit her. she does some amazing things with words. someday i'll tell you about the lego on my desk.
and yes. those two things are related.

i {heart} little faces.

2011-10-24T15:20:00.000-05:00

and little toes.
and little people.
and little fingers.
and button noses.
and that super soft wispy hair on top of a newborn's little perfectly scented head ...

another i heart faces challenge ...

let them be little.

one of my favorite little pictures this year.

2 little faces. 20 little toes. 2 little {perfectly different but so kinda the same} people. 2 button noses. 2 little heads of wispy hair.

i swear. is there anything cuter than two babies in a bowl?

check out i heart faces for more little peoples this week.

impromptu puppet show and just how much i truly love my kids.

2011-10-09T23:26:00.000-05:00

we had a kind of sort of planned (like yesterday) birthday party at my house today.
my grandma is turning 91 tomorrow.

91.

holy goodness.

and we celebrated in the gorgeousness that is (apparently) fall in minnesota. 80-something degree temps. beautiful blue skies. no raindrops (though the forecast a few days ago had predicted oodles of raindrops ... thank you for being wrong dear forecasters.) we had a lovely lunch outside. we crunched through the leaves that i didn't bother to rake up. we quietly manuevered our circle of chairs and wheelchairs and walkers into a new patch of shade every so often.

it was nice.

and then the girly-girls pulled out the final straw for making it a perfect day.

they delighted us with a puppet show.

finners pulled up the best seat in the house. no one fought him for it.

i think it was titled the "mouse and the gorgeous dance by stella and cora olson." there was something about a mouse. and a hunter. and the hunter was hungry. and the mouse was going to do a dance ... but never did. and that's pretty much where the show stopped. but in it's own way continued on. and on. and on.

though none of us were really paying attention.

finn saw a plane. (i love that he's still in the "hi daddy!" plane stage.)

my 90 years and 364 days old grandma got bored and asked to be brought home.

and it didn't really matter what the play was about or what was actually happening ... because it was a moment. a blip in the time of my life that will never happen just as perfectly again. there may not be the same characters or audience. at any given point in the next day or year or decade ... there will be people that are no longer with us. and there will be bigger girly girls that are less interested in performing and much more interested in boys. and make up. and their cell phones.

stella so politely curtsied.
and cora took a bow.

in the only way that my cora would. (notice the mismatched shoes, and the belt.)

and i realize ... now ... looking back ... that i'm so happy that i stopped this moment.

fall mini sessions at jennifer liv photography

2011-09-30T13:44:00.000-05:00

just in case you are local and interested in having family portraits in the near future!

please email me if you are interested ...

i would love to help your family capture some wonderful fall memories!
jenniferlivphotography@hotmail.com

on this day. this is who you are.

2011-09-29T23:34:00.000-05:00

you.

you are my heart little finners.
it amazes me and gets away from me ... obviously (i'm a bit late on this post) ... how old you are getting. you. are. my. baby. you are supposed to stay that way forever and ever and a day ... and you aren't.
you are.
but you aren't.

and it kills me just a little bit on the inside because i can't stop time. i can't make you stop and stay where you are and then i feel guilty for wishing that i could.

what i can do, though?
is ... i can write.
i can hold this exact moment on our page of history and i can tell everyone who you are ... but i can also flip back to this moment someday down the road when you are really big and grown and you ask me for the car keys and you know how to actually put them into the ignition and then you know how to start the car and then you drive away.

on that day ... i will pull this memory out and i will sob and remember who you were.

this? is who you are ... today.
you are 1 1/2 years old ... and then some.
you have twinkles of trouble in your bright blue eyes.
you love your family.
lots.

your sisters are your lifelines. without them you would crumble. you want to be with them always.
you are a mama's boy.
i'm not sure if that has to do with the fact that you still nurse. um. all the time. and you have just begun to slide yourself off my lap saying all done ... and run off to join the girly-girls.
you are a daddy's boy.
you are enamored with anything and everything that he is doing. you want to be a part of all of it.
and oh-my-god ... he pushes you too high on the swings.
but you never want mama to push you.
hmmm.

you climb.
anything.
boxes and beds. stairs and ladders.
and you're fast. super fast.

you love to put on everyone's shoes. pink. slippers. ANYTHING. and you trot around in them as best you can.

you color. you always start on paper ... and then move to the table. and then chair. and then hopefully i catch you before you make it to the walls. or floor.
you are also amazingly specific about what you are drawing. what looks like scribbles across a page to me ... is a dog. or a kitty. or a tree. to you. i should really get better at guessing.

you count ... everything.
wah. tu. fee. foh. fai. and on and on and on.
sometimes you get to 5. and go to 8. and then back to 7. and then 8.
sometimes you get all the way to 13. or 14.
i think you forget that you are ONLY one.

oh. wheels.
you are in love with anything with wheels ...
bus? beep beep.
truck? ("tuk") honk honk.
train? ("choochoo") i'm not quite sure how you make the exact sound of a train. but you do.
tractors? ("TAHCTOHS!!!!!!") yes. they are really talked about with THAT much enthusiasm.
boat? no wheels. but transportation ... so it still counts.
ambulance?
firetruck? ("weeooo weeooo")
motorcycle? ("cyco")
bike? ("bite?? bite??")
helicopter? ("coptoh")
airplane? ("pane")

i wish i could remember your first words ... but similar to your sisters ... as soon as the words spilled ...they tumbled and there was virtually no distinguishing first words from lists of words. they were just there.

you throw with either hand.
you love to swing and slide.
you say peez. and tah-too.
you hit your head against the floor. ground. wall. if you are frustrated. (thankfully this is quickly disappearing as your vocabulary is quickly growing).

you seem to be allergic to red dye #40. though that is strictly a guess at this point.
you have spent the past week in multiple stages of hives spread across your body.
you got hives.
so we gave you benedryl (recommended by a dr.).
and you worsened.
and then i realized that benedryl has red dye #40 in it. poor guy.

you love elmo.
and dora.
and george.

you love to read books. in your chair. in your room
or with someone.
as long as they are about trucks. or tractors.

you love spending time with your people. boppa. and grandpa. grandma kristi and grandma jeanna. you love all of them with your whole heart. and you will gladly leave mama or daddy to go to them. unless you want to nurse. then no one is better than mama.
though you do think it's really funny to request num nums from anyone.

i'm realizing very quickly that you are just about to turn two.
two.
ohmyword.
two.
and the girly-girls were weaned at two.
and i just am not sure that i can do that again. i failed miserably at weaning cora. expecting her to do the same as her big sis. when i really should have stopped and realized that they are two VERY different peoples. and that you are too.
so i think we'll probably just take it ... at our own pace. k?
though i would really appreciate sleeping approximately 6 hours in a row sometime in the very near future, ok?

i love you little finnamon.
we all do.
you are a superb addition to this little family of ours.
we never knew you ... never dreamed of you ... never thought in a million years that there would be a boy in our lives.
and then you were there. here.
and we wouldn't change it for the world.
our little blue caboose.

favorite summer face.

2011-09-26T13:18:00.001-05:00

seriously. not sure that i can possibly pick a most absolutely favorite ... but this comes close. this boy.

my heart is had.

this summer was amazing watching him grow up into this little man with thoughts and ideas and likes and dislikes and all that jazz.

he's most definitely a boy (with a twinkle of trouble in his eye) and the sweetest heart you ever did meet.

and is currently covered in a bajillion hives. so, that's fun.

i surely love you finners.

head on over to i heart faces to see more summer favorites ... it's people's choice this week!

sun. shine.

2011-09-19T14:09:00.000-05:00

there's this to do and that to do.

and i sit here. gazing at this photo. because it's my sunshine. in action. totally and completely being her.
and she's not here.

gah. it's taking some getting used to ... this whole kid in preschool thing. with another in elementary school. and another that occasionally blesses his mama with a nap for a few hours in the afternoon.

and i feel so lucky to get to experience this while working part time.

i feel like a mom.

isn't that weird? i haven't totally wrapped my brain around that ... it's me. i'm well aware of that ... i know that my heart rests outside of my body in these three beautiful children and i love them so amazingly. but ... i'm a mom. i have to get people dressed and out the door. i have to look out for them and take care of them and i can't just abandon ship and run free.

nor would i want to.

though i still dream of a weekend eating pizza alone while watching a chick flick in a bed.

blah blah blah.

my girl.

allowing me (last fall ... i can't believe this was last fall already) to practice sunflare. and she tipped and the sun shone through her arm while she made the silliest face.

her.

if you are lucky enough to KNOW her ... you know that this is her. SO. HER.

check out i heart faces for more a touch of sun entries this week.
enjoy!

everyday beauty.

2011-09-11T14:16:00.000-05:00

trying to find the beauty in the everyday ...

in between the teeny leftover pile of macaroni and cheese ... a half eaten cucumber ... a plastic kids fork and the can of coke that i treated myself to (after having given up soda for a good two weeks, now.)

thinking about things and how they change things and leave me uncertain ...

thinking about the copier room i was in 10 years ago watching a tiny black and white screen while awful things happened ... thankful that jeremy wasn't flying that day and that i knew exactly where he was.

i felt really uncertain that day too.

there.

there it is ... the beauty in the everyday bouquet of flowers from my mom and the girly girls. stella had no idea how much i love irises. my mom told her to grab a sunflower for me.

beauty. in between the mac and cheese and the uncertainty.

rolling on.

2011-09-05T13:41:00.000-05:00

and just like that ...

fall rolls in.
quicker than i can stand up anymore after being knocked down by a bout of depressive sad thoughts (that aren't true depression but feel like it sometimes) ... the autumn rolls itself back in to my life.

and with it?
my mood lightens.

i need this change of season in my life. i need the wind and the cool temperatures and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet just as much as i needed the sand between my toes and the flowers budding on the trees ... and hell ... i even kinda sorta needed that first scarf wrapped around my neck and that first snowfall and that first breath of air cold enough to make me gasp.

i feel the heaviness of the season upon me just as i'm about to lose it ... just as i'm about to watch something change and become something new and it throws me down on the ground and stomps on me a little bit. and then i feel crappy and bad and sad and introspective. and then just as i'm realizing that this is too much ... and my fingers tappity tap the feelings out of my body ...

then the change generally happens.

night falls. the morning sun rises. and i am given a glimpse of what is coming.

the past two days ... that glimpse has been warm coffee cup. a sweater or sweatshirt. the pull to the colors orange and red and brown and mustard. the scanning of the recipe book for soups and stews. sliding my hand across flannel sheets in the closet and unrolling my pants from capris to jeans once again. i want to drink apple cider and pull apples from a tree. i want to find my mom's antique school desk and take pictures of stella and cora in their new school digs. i want to layer sweaters and find a way to make myself look pretty in scarves.

and now?
i'm off to step outside into that cool burst of air. and breathe it all in.

rolling on.

self portraits are hard, yo.
but it's been a skill i'm trying to get better at ... because i'm going to succeed at putting myself in front of the camera so that my kids can see me someday.

sometimes. it's just all too much.

2011-08-28T23:02:00.000-05:00

i know i should put myself to bed ... but i also know that putting myself there means that before i know it little ones will awaken and call for mama and i'll go. and snuggle and try to convince a certain little someone *coughcough* finn *coughcough* that nursing in the middle of the night is not such a good idea.

he's not buying it.

and then eventually i'll meander back to my own comfy bed and my alarm will make it's presence so rudely known.
and then i have to get up and start a new year.

and there is a whole lot of worry and stress and fear and angst in my body tonight.

it's a lot.

it feels heavy and burdonsome.
it feels scary and unknown.
it feels a bit sad.

i think of the to-dos that didn't reach to-dones status.
i think of the lazy mornings in pajamas reading books to my littles.
i think of how fast they grow and how much i'm missing.

it's just all too much. sometimes.

there's really no happy ending tonight.
it is what it is and i guess i just suck it up and put myself to bed ...

and then wake up.
and snuggle the boy.
and i probably won't attempt to convince him that he shouldn't nurse ... because he's only going to be this small for a very short amount of time.
and i will turn off the alarm and make coffee and hope that one of the littles wakes early enough to read a book before i walk out the door ... but not so early that i don't get a chance to shower first.

i'll be fine.
i will.

and that? is just the first day.

2011-08-27T14:57:00.001-05:00

liv said on facebook or email or twitter or something that she was heading up to the north shore.

i turned to my husband and said ... "i wanna go up to the north shore."
i probably used my whiny voice.
though likely, i didn't ask over and over and over and over and over and over until he finally relented ... like some people i know. *coughcough* cora *coughcough*

and so we threw together the skeleton of a plan.
and then we changed it.
and then we found a dog sitter.
and a cat/bird sitter.

and then we changed it again.

and jeremy went to work.
and we talked on the phone and decided not to go. decided that we should go anyway. decided to camp. decided that that sounded like too much work. decided that maybe the weather wouldn't be good and we shouldn't go. decided that we didn't care.

jeremy came home and we left.

we drove in relative silence. with virtually no plans but the plan to just be together and have fun.

we had an idea of where we might stay. and then we abondoned that idea when i saw the location and the in the downtownishness of it. i may have used my whiney voice again when i mentioned that we should maybe drive on down to canal park and see if there were any vacancies. (i have secretly always wanted to stay on canal park. by the bridge.) so we drove to the farthest down hotel. made our agreement about how much was too much and i ran in to ask about vacancies.

please note. this is also around the time that finners was screaming DONE DONE DONE from the middle seats. and the girls were ~~politely~~ indicating HOW MUCH LONGER? and ARE WE THERE YET? and I HAVE TO PEE!

they had one vacancy. at that just right price.

and we walked into a jacuzzi suite.
the girly girls loved the bathtub in the living room.

i was in love with the view. from my bed.

the bridge. right outside my window.

the rain splattered to the ground and we watched the storms roll through from our porch. the cool breezes off of the lake forced us to sweatshirt up. and then when the rain slowed to a drizzle we ventured out.

first stop.

popcorn.

and lemonade.

and i stood back and watched my kids doing something that i grew up doing. and there was a bit of surrealness to it. i remember standing upon that same hill with the gulls swooping in a dance to be the first to grab a bite to eat from the children. i remember feeling small and afraid and utterly astounded at how close these silly creatures would come to me.

it starts out quiet. a simple grassy hill. add a minimum of one child and a superty expensive box of popcorn and you begin to hear seagull noises. and they begin to drop out of the sky and scatter amidst your feet ... quickly grabbing a popcorn here. and chasing a friend away there. all of a sudden the child is surrounded by the chattering soaring creatures.

i remember that fear. and amazement.

i was reminded of that. watching my babies standing in that same exact spot that i stood many many years ago.

we were relaxed. and calm. and it was so fun to feel that lack of stress. the children splashed in the puddles and no one said no. or stop. or worried about clothing being soaked. dry clothes and a warm bath in the living room were a mere steps away.

we promised boats to our boy.
that little blue caboose of our family that excites over cars. and trucks. and buses. and now boats too.

he was in his element ... outdoors. under the crazy clouds still recovering from the bout of rain. with his family.

my husband grabbed my camera and i've just realized as i'm editing these photos through tears ... has given me the best gift ever.

that.

that silly little picture right there that proves to my children that i love and adore and cherish and am actually WITH them.

you have no idea how much in love with that photo i am right now.

we saw rainbows. and played and laughed and truly enjoyed each other for the whole night.

and my husband didn't even think i was crazy when i asked him to take the kids up onto the bridge and then proceeded to take a photo of the ground. because i thought it was crazy neat that i could totally see him and the kids in the puddle.

he also didn't think i was nuts as i pulled my camera bag close and snapped a photo of this ...

because the thought that kept rolling through my head as i tried to drift off to sleep ... was ... that is something that you might just never get the chance to see again from your bed. and you'll kick yourself when the sun comes up in the morning if you don't take a minute to capture it now.

funny.

that's kind of how life is ... isn't it.

it was a really lovely amazing evening.

and that?

was just the first day.

happy anniversary, love.

2011-08-26T23:20:00.000-05:00

so wednesday marked our 9th anniversary. which ... in the grand scheme of things ... isn't so crazy amazing ...

but then again ... maybe it is.

it's funny.

i feel like we went through this major point in our lives where we were planning a trip for this wedding and foraging through pages of a wedding gift registry for that wedding.

and then it all stopped. virtually everyone was married and/or in a long term relationship.

and then rumors and messages and conversations between friends started showing the other side of the mountain.

now, we're in the midst of divorces and separations and watching people fall out of love with one another.

and it's a kind of scary place to be.

life is rough. it's really really hard. this whole life with little kids thing is incredibly impossible and so amazingly satisfying at the very same time. and then? you are expected / want to put energy into the attention of another person? who is most possibly an adult hopefully most of the time. and that person expects/wants your attention ... and you have NO! MORE! ATTENTION! to give! there are so many moments where i find myself frustrated and annoyed with my husband. he irks me when he plays devils advocate. he drives me bonkers when he can't spell the word before. he scoots over into my side of the bed while i'm out attending to children that he didn't hear wake up in the middle of the night. sometimes he snores. and i super lightly ~~kick~~ tap him with my foot while he sleeps ... and he startles. stops. and starts all over again. sometimes louder.

even through all of that though ... i love him. i still love him. perhaps more than i ever did before. (which is totally spelled with an E at the end, honey.)

on our anniversary we went out and spent a groupon to a new local sushi place. it sucked. and they were out of diet coke. and then we went shopping for shoes. and then we went to holiday station stores where i bought myself a gigantic fountain diet coke because that was the glass i accidently touched first and then i was paranoid that someone saw me touch THAT glass and that i would be scorned for taking another one. (ever wonder why my girls are proving to be rigid rule followers? yeah. me neither.)

and in between all of that not-so-excitingness. i sent out random tweets and facebook messages ... and because most of you probably don't know i exist in other areas of the internetty world ... this is what they said.

also?

honey? thanks for being the love of my life ... you love me in the middle of all of my craziness. and i truly appreciate how you love and support me. when you have your own blog you can write about all of my faults maybe. but i won't link to it. ok? i love you.

jeremy and i have been married 9 years today. and we're still planning a vacation for next year's 10th. {i think that's a good sign}

‎9yrs ago today he walked me down the aisle. Today he sealed my driveway. #amazingwhatadifference9yearsmakes

{in which @bluexoxo wins the best reply award for "@coconutbelly is that what you're calling "it" these days?? Happy Anniversary!" ... which totally made me giggle all day.)

‎9 years ago today, i had my hairs done for an hour (at least). today? i managed to wash AND brush them. #amazingwhatadifference9yearsmakes

‎9yrs ago I said I DO. today I said STOP LICKING YOUR BROTHER. #amazingwhatadifference9yrsmakes

‎9 years ago, I carried a bouquet. Today i'm carrying a purse, a diaper bag, matchbox cars, a wooden zoo set & the boy.
#amazingwhatadifference9yearsmakes

‎9yrs ago today I threw a bouquet & a party. Today I watched 3 little people throw tantrums. #amazingwhatadifference9yearsmakes

‎9 years ago today I had a bounce tent at my wedding reception. Today the girly girls went to a bday party in a bounce tent.
#amazingwhatadifference9yearsmakes

‎9 years ago today we answered to bride & groom. Today we answered to mommy & daddy. #amazingwhatadifference9yrsmakes

‎9yrs ago I fretted about flowers, catering & vows. Today I fretted about diapers, gluten & preschool. #amazingwhatadifference9yrsmakes

‎9 years ago i said good night and i love you to my husband. tonight i said goodnight and i love you to my husband.
#funnyhowsomethingsneverchange

i {heart} faces ... pet week.

2011-08-22T17:26:00.000-05:00

wow.
y'all.
so last week ... when i on.a.whim threw in a photo of my stellers into the {eyes} category challenge at i {heart} faces ... i ended up with a 10th place.

wow.

that's happened once before ... which i would totally link to ... but i have approximately 24 seconds before someone loses it or a child falls or someone screams. and go.

today.

pets.

the superty cutest cat monster thing in the world.
while asleep ... super cute and cuddly.
while awake ... don't mess with him. unless you live here. then he kinda loves you. sometimes.

don't you just want to cuddle with him?

hop on over to i heart faces to see more pets of all shapes and sizes ... and probably some that you wouldn't want to live with. (you can enter any animal image!)

enjoy!

i {heart} faces ... beautiful eyes.

2011-08-15T00:05:00.000-05:00

eyes.

there is a certain depth to a person's eyes.
the cliched window.
the soul.

and as a photographer ... i think my most favorite thing is capturing that depth ... that soul ... in someone's eyes. when they fully see you and you fully see them in a single click.

i love opening up a session in photoshop and zooming in superty close to see that person's eyes. it's amazing. the colors and the textures and the beautifulness ... the uniqueness. sometimes i feel awed when i can catch a glimpse of me taking their photo. it astounds me.

this though ...
is my girl.
my girl that made me a mama.
and her amazing blue eyes.

a bit lighter and less oceany than her sister's.
softer and a little less vibrant than her brother's.

but blue and beautiful and a glimpse into this grown up girl that she's becoming. wide eyed and wonderful. with a bit of her fragile little girlishness mixed in. all of this HERness swirled into their beautiful blue.

check out i {heart} faces for more beautiful entries this week!

no.

2011-08-14T22:49:00.000-05:00

i say no.
i say please walk.
i say use your inside voice. (except for cora ... who i tell "talk like this." girl has no volume control. whatsoever.)

i tell them to stand up and sit down.
i tell them to look and to say hi.
i tell them to count to 10 and go inside. (except for stella ... who would much prefer to be inside anyways. couch potato. kinda.)

i ~~ask~~ tell them to clean their room.
i ~~ask~~ tell them to feed the dog.
i ~~ask~~ tell them to pick up 10 things that are out of place. (and two of them do. after a few threats of losses of those important things in life. like food. or a bed. or a morning cartoon.)

i try.
i try really really hard to be the best mama i can be.
i try not to do too much.
and i try to do just enough.
but that's hard too.
really really hard.

i think what i'm trying to say is that i want to do good by my children ... but i lie awake at night worrying that by doing and saying too much that i'm actually doing a disservice to them ... am i? i don't know.
i just don't know.

i want more than anything for them to be free creative thinkers. i want them to exude happiness. i want them to be amazingly wonderful people that do amazingly wonderful things in amazingly wonderful places.

and i think i have to teach them all of that. but do i? i just don't know ...

would they just figure it all out on their own?

i said ... stop! don't put your feet in there! we don't put our feet in the fountain!

will they realize that even though their grandma let them put their feet into the fountain at the park while i objected ... that it's just not ok to put yourself into fountains in public places when you are 37 years of age?

when really truly my heart knows that i want them to dance in a fountain in the early dawn if it makes them happy.

if i could do it all over again ... i would have put my feet in the fountain too.

i hope that they get that.
i really really hope they do.

lemonade and popcorn.

2011-08-12T07:35:00.000-05:00

it started over a bowl of microwave popcorn and lemonade over ice in tall sweaty glasses.
with straws. of course. the day after labor day in the year 1985. (my first day of school in the new neighborhood.) our moms hooked us up and officially put together an unofficial surprise playdate immediately after school.

it's hard to remember much else about that day.

i know it never felt awkward or pushed. it tasted of freshly squeezed (though totally from a can if you know my mom) lemonade. there was a breeze pushing it's way through the screens of the porch. there was probably a billowy flower in a vase on the table. it felt immediate and lovely.

and it still feels that way.

a friendship beyond best.

over the years we lived close together and far apart. we've had overnight camps and night before weddings. we've held hands, exchanged glances and been a supportive shoulder. we've said hellos and goodbyes in so many different places. we comfort. we calm. we listen. we speak.
perhaps not often enough.

but just right, i guess. because honestly. there is this amazing lack of timespace between us. we are immediately right back to where we always have been. small talk feels awkward. it's the heavy and the deep that feel safe when we are together.

and jellybeans are always eaten appropriately.

love to you my dear friend.

why?

2011-08-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

funny ... this has been sitting in my draft posts for quite some time.

and i've never hit publish ... because i didn't want someone to think that i didn't appreciate them stopping by or reading my words or perusing my photos.

all i had written up until just a few minutes ago?

why are you here?

what keeps you coming back?
why do you want to visit this (often neglected) space?

i just kinda want to know.

and because a post just really isn't a post without a photo ... and because i keep coming back to this photo ... because ... i don't know why.

i guess ... "i don't know" is a good enough answer sometimes.

i wish i could put the kids to bed ... wake all up again ... and start over.

2011-07-28T11:14:00.000-05:00

with a new vacuum sitting on my front porch.

so ... i'm just gonna go and tell you a secret. on the day that my husband comes home ... i ~~kindasorta~~ frantically try to make sure the house is all picked up.

today though?

i dropped a new outlet cover that was clear colored ... and it vanished into thin air. i still can't find it.

i really needed to vacuum for the umpteenth time this week and the vacuum WON'T SUCK ... i held it over a bird feather and it just kinda made it sway.

i need to go grocery shopping so that we can eat. and yet ... the thought of dragging all three children there kinda makes me want to sit in the corner and cry.

i politely asked the girly-girls to pick up their room ... and OH THE HORROR. it was akin to pulling teeth.

i not so politely asked the girly girls to pick up their room ... there was a lot of arguing. notsomuch picking up.

i have yelled more than i care to admit and it's only 11:11am.

i'm not sure that i can handle people asking for things over and over and over and over and over and over even when i just said ... please wait. (i really did say please wait and i didn't yell. i get 5 points.)

i have 3 photography sessions to edit and attempting to sit at the computer is silly-thought.

even now.

(though i did sit down and write this because i needed to let my fingers do a little bit of fast tippity tapping ... makes the crabbies disappear a little faster when i can get the words out and "talk" to someone.)

i'm calling uncle on thursday 7/28/11.

neither here nor there ... probably number three if you were keeping track.

2011-07-14T00:16:00.000-05:00

** things of virtually no importance. irrelevant and most likely unnecessary to the conversation.

though quite possibly knocking at my brain and spilling out of my fingertips.

i've sat at my keyboard for quite some time now ... fingers itching to tippitytap. and brain swirling with this and a that.

and ... nada.

so i just decided to spill my last few goings on upon you ... mostly in pictures a few words here and there ...

we picked strawberries.

we waited until justabouttheverylastminute to go and pick strawberries at this beautiful farm ... although in all honesty ... someone had told me that they had "just begun to pick" and then 2 days later ... there were virtually no strawberries left. there was a lot of digging (by me) and a lot of whining (by the girls) ...

but dude. every. single. one. of. these. strawberries. is the MOST DELICIOUS strawberry i have ever eaten.

they are the tiniest sweetest little things. ever.

this farm doesn't spray their fields ... so there are a bajillion of these guys ... the primary reason for all! the! whining!

pokey pokey pokies. which only sting for approximately 2 seconds when you bump against them. i know.

i also remember long long ago being a little girl and STEPPING on one of those things in bare feet ... because i have really never been one to be fond of shoes ... and ouch. it felt like a lot more than 2 seconds.

also, though? do you see that pretty little strawberry in there? i just went to the refrigerator and ate it.

best strawberry ever.

we made some friends in the field.

a pretty little fuzzy caterpillar (in a really overexposed photo).

and just so you know how much i care about all of you out there ... it's a saltmarsh caterpillar. which is actually going to be a moth someday. and i can no longer finish my breakfast. because my computer screen was just covered in caterpillars. {shudder}

or this little friend ...

yay! it's like an i spy game ... grab your kids and play along!

can you spy the girl that i was trying to take a picture of ... before the big sister so rudely stepped in front of her mother as she was taking the perfect photo of her little sister?

can you spot the elmo wearing finners out among the strawberries?? ... no ... because he pretty much hated the entire super fun strawberry picking and preferred for daddy to take him to look at tractors.

but ... he did enjoy the currants. have you ever tasted these little white currants? so. yummy. a little sour.

and then we drove around ... kinda getting lost and had lunch in a little cafe on the st croix river. in the kitchen. because there were no more chairs that didn't have umbrellas on the porch dining area. and the food was fine ... but it was SO HOT IN THERE. that it could possibly be remembered as not-my-favorite-place-to-eat.

and then? we cursed ever driving that far because finn turned into oscar the grouch on the way home.

but we'll probably go back in a few weeks for blueberry picking.
........................................................................................................................................
we ate crepes.

.........................................................................................................................................................
hmmm. what else?
i got a studio space!

in a really neat old building on the river in northeast minneapolis.

i'm kind of loving it.

it's the sunlight that gets me ... everytime.

................................................................................................................................

i love lilies.
and they are popping out everywhere.
except for in my front yard area. where there used to be a billion ... for some crazy reason, this year ... the daisies have completely taken over and just didn't let the lilies up maybe? i'm not sure ... but i certainly know that i'll be handing away free daisy bulbs in the fall.
..................................................................................................................................

we've been doing a bit of cut and color around these parts ... a little something for a little someone. or two. you'll know who you are in the very near future.

........................................................................................................................................

finn was in heaven watching trucks at the parade ... and out the front window this week.

in heaven.

i'm still getting used to this boy trait.
..............................................................................................................................
the rest of us pretty much just keeled over and died from the heat of the parade. honestly ... at one point a parade walker person threw out a wooden coin for a free cupcake

and. it. stuck. to. my. bare. arm.

so ... we've been trying to keep cool.

finn's first snowcone!

which has meant many pool and waterpark trips. early morning park outings. lots of icy drinks and hunkering down in the air conditioning for part of the day.
............................................................................................................................
this guy at the zoo was attempting a bit of a cool down as well ...

also at the zoo ... another guy cooling down ...

please enlighten me ...
is this a boy thing??
...........................................................................................................................

happy week to all of you out there ... someday soon i'll be back to regular posting ... but i'm just having so much fun over here with these three crazy kids.
..........................................................................................................................
most of the time anyways.
sometimes i just drink a lot of coffee. and pretend like i'm having fun.

i almost wrote three. but it's actually four. wow.

2011-07-03T22:45:00.000-05:00

to my cora.
i keep stuttering the word "four." when people ask me how old you are ...
th... four? four.
four just doesn't feel right ... it feels grown up and older and ... wiser and almost ready for school-ish.
and i suppose that IS you.
i know it is you.
maybe it's just more that i'm not quite ready for it to be you.

i know i'm exactly ~~one month~~ two months late on telling you all of this ... but ... you get it. {i know you do} i've never been one to be on time with this sort of thing ... i much prefer playing baby dolls or taking walks or making an excuse to go to the park.

i think my most favorite thing over the past year has been how lucky i am to get to spend two days per week with you and finners. and that we really truly get some alone time together while he naps. we usually do one of the above mentioned things ... but sometimes ... when i'm in the midst of editing baby photographs ... you sit beside me at the kitchen table and color beautiful pictures for me.

like this one that you did ~~yesterday~~ last month ...

bad phone photo ... late at night ...

you asked me to draw you a cupcake ... and i obliged ... encouraging you to fill it in.
and you did.
to the very edge.
in case you are wondering ... it's a colorful cupcake ("because there are so many beautiful colors, mama.") and a cup of coffee ("because it's your {my} favorite") and the "grass and the sky".

you are sunshine in a cup, little one.
a hard headed - sweet&sour - scared of any new thing - sunshine in a cup.

you keep us laughing. we giggle about things that you've said as we lie in bed at night thinking about our day. your request for "rotton egg sandwiches" (e.g., egg salad). your quiet in the dark question to me, "so ... how was aerobics??" the funny little way that you tell us that you want to go out for "boogers at the lesion" (burgers at the legion).

i think you have a funny little place in our family. it's SO your place ... but it's funny and awkward at times. it's the middle space. it's the in between. it's the not big and not little. and you were the perfect little person to fill that spot.

though i struggle daily with the emotion that i've put you into this place in our family that doesn't allow you to have everything that i want to give you. does that make sense?
i worry that i don't give you enough. because you don't have the older kid friends and sports and school. you don't have the baby needs and wants and must-be-watched-at-all-times attitude.
i fear that i don't know you like i know the other two.
{it breaks my heart to say that.}
because i haven't ever had you all to myself.

i just really hope that it won't really matter in the long run. that your ability to compromise to the whims of others and your stubbornness that shines when something is really REALLY important to you. (keep that. seriously. as much as it drives me crazy in the moment? keep doing it. keep holding out for something that you believe in or need.)

and exactly ~~one month~~ two months after you turned four ... here are the four things that i absolutely love the most about you.

1. your ideas. and wants. and needs. and requests.
~~just today~~ last month ... we went and watched the "talent" show at stella's school. (the word "talent" may be stretching it just a wee bit ... though ... they all got up there and did their thing. and wow. that's more than i could have ever done. but still.) and afterwards ... you were so worrisome about finding stella and when you did ... you decided that you must walk in line with those first graders ... and you did. you quietly fretted and considered turning back ... but instead you pushed through and you walked with them down the hall ... and you sat in stella's seat and waited for me ...

you want that school thing so badly ... and i'm really trying to make something work for next year dear heart. i am. you are beyond ready ...
you also want a new baby doll at ... um. just about everywhere that we go ... so. not. happening. but still ... i see the maternal nature in you that feels like you need to save the baby dolls from a life of unhappiness. you just feel awful leaving them behind. i remember that feeling.

2. your memory.

this picture kills me. this was just after you turned three. you were such a baby here. wow.

this year you have dumbfounded us with your ability to remember tidbits of information about nature. things that you have gained from your years of sitting around listening or reading or watching. and you pull these amazingly astute facts out of your brain at just the right moment. and leave people bewildered.
it all started with the black capped chickadee ... and now it's volcanoes and bears and desert regions.

and because your memory isn't supertyexciting ... i'm just going to go ahead and throw a 2.5 in there ... and tell you that i LOVE your fashion sense. anything goes. and you are incredibly specific about what exactly you are putting together. and how your hair will look. (5 pigtails. no. not boingy enough. boingier.)

3. your caring nature.
you became a vegetarian this year. which isn't surprising ... considering that meat has been your least favorite food of all time. and that mommy and daddy have both moved through phases of vegetarianism at points in our life ... but you started questioning what animal this or that came from ... and i noticed that you were not eating much ... (though you've always been a bit of a bird in the eating department).
and then you just came out and said it.
you were done eating meat. you didn't want to eat animals.
and then we went to a different pediatrician that freaked all out on us and made you go through tons o' bloodwork to show us that you were deficient in all sorts of areas (and you were ... though you were also terribly sick - hence the visit - and hadn't eaten in many days.)
and she told us to buck up as parents and "sneak" meat into your diet.

and we won't.
we never will.
because you have made this most amazingly wonderful and lovely and passionate and kind choice of why you are not going to eat meat. and we will never go against your choice.
so ... instead we have talked and encouraged eating healthy and teaching you about what your body needs ... and you are amazing.
you ask about proteins. and you ask about what would have more. and which is healthier.
i really love you for the thought that you have obviously put into this.

4. your giggle.
you ... at times ... are a little bundle of stress. nervously you chew your fingernails and toenails (yes. i did say toenails.) and we aren't totally sure why (or how).
and i will admit that your nervousness and stubborness to admitting your nervous can drive us all batty.
but ... when you giggle?
the sun shines.
even stella, the queen of rigidity and rule following cannot help but smile when you start a giggle.
and finn? loves you for that. stella is like a mama to him. but you? you are his playmate. you are the first person that he looks for in the morning.

happy (belated) birthday to my sunshine in a cup.
my four year old ... sunshine.
i love you big. really really big.

love always, mama.

yes, virginia. this is a garage sale.

2011-07-02T22:43:00.000-05:00

what i noticed first was that she was little. petite. tiny. and she stepped out of a huge ass car.

she walked with a purpose up the driveway. beelined her way towards the oodles of shoes that my sister was selling. and remarked, "that's not MY car."

well ... ok. i thought. looks like the crazies are out garage saleing already today.

i contemplated sharing some random bit of information about myself ...
this isn't MY garage!
i like cake!
i'm not wearing any underwear!
just so that she didn't feel all alone in her cuckooishness.

i didn't.

she grabbed a pair of shoes off of the makeshift shelf that my mama and i created ...
(next week - come on back for the DIY instructions. you'll need 2 chairs and a piece of wood.)

"how much are these shoes," she questioned.
"um. 2 dollars," i replied with a vanna white motion towards the sign on the wall.

"i wouldn't pay 2 dollars," she said ... "that's not MY car."
"those aren't MY shoes," i said.

i told her they were my sister's and that i was fairly positive my sister didn't want to take less considering that i had just opened the garage door.

she walked away from the shoes and browsed the rest of the ~~goods~~ crap that we had for sale.

"that's not MY car," she said AGAIN.

(what the fuck? i thought in my head. as i looked at the NOT HER CAR. with what i can only presume were NOT HER CHILDREN monkeying around on the NOT HER SEATS.)

"it's my brother's car. he let me borrow it to go shopping. but then i saw the sign that said garage sale. and he doesn't know i'm here. but i guess i'm shopping. he let's me borrow the car to go shopping. i don't have a car. so that's not my car."

i politely acknowledged her ~~driving me the fuck crazy~~ talking, i'm sure.

"i couldn't afford a blah blah blah kind of car, like that ... that's not MY car. it's my brother's car. he lets me borrow it to go shopping. it's not MY car. don't go thinking that that is MY car. 'cause it's not. it's not MY car."

i may have rolled my eyes just a little as she walked back towards the shoes.

"how much did you say these were?"
"two dollars."

"i wouldn't pay two dollars."
"my sister wants to sell them for two dollars."
"i'd only pay 50 cents. or one dollar tops."
"my sister wants to ask two dollars. if you want less. you'll have to talk to her."
"that's not MY car."

"she'll be here later if you want to come back."
"i'm not coming back here ... i can't believe you ever thought i would come back."
"well. ok."
"that's NOT my car," she noted as she slipped her foot into the shoe. again.

"what size are these?"
"i'm not really sure ... maybe you could just LOOK?"
"it says seven. are these a seven?"
"i'm assuming if it says seven ... it IS a seven. but i'm not really a shoe EXPERT."
"that's NOT. MY. CAR."

"i wouldn't pay two dollars for these. see," she noted as she pointed to a miniscule scuff on the front toe of the left shoe.
"fine," i said. "then DON'T pay two dollars. but that's how much they are."

i was feeling a bit perturbed at this point.

she set them down ON THE BOOKSHELF and walked around. AGAIN.

"remember, that's not my car."

i asked if she was planning on taking the shoes? as i ushered them back to the SHOE SHELVING UNIT.
(DIY shoe shelf tomorrow. don't forget.)

"put them back," she yelled, motioning to the BOOKSHELF.
"i AM," i responded, motioning to the SHOE SHELF.

she followed me. and put them on again. and asked what size shoe i wore.
i didn't answer her.
she told me she wears a size six. but these are a size seven. do i think they look big?
considering her heel was hanging off the back ... i said, "no."
"because if they were a size six," she said ... "i would take them. for a dollar. at most."

and that, my friends?
is when she asked me if i HAD THEM IN A SIZE SIX.

um. no.
this is a GARAGE SALE.

and in case you were wondering?
the shoes are still available.

for two dollars.
and i don't really give a shit what kind of car you drive and if it really is or is not your car. unless you stole the car. then i really think you should return it before spending two dollars on a pair of shoes.
the large lady thing in the first picture is also still available. for free.

because i can. {an i heart faces challenge}

2011-06-27T00:01:00.000-05:00

after being so caught up in this and that and the other thing ... i've missed just sharing a simple photo in the i {heart} faces challenges.

with the craziness involved in the end-of-school-year business ... i just couldn't get anything in on time ... and then this week popped up ...

whimsy.

and i immediately thought back to a photo i captured of stellers. dancing. quite possibly one of my most favorite photos of her ever. (do i always say that?) she was just her. involved in a moment of spinning across a beach. sand sprinkled across her heels. eyes closed. dancing. her blonde hair blowing in the breeze. lost. in that moment.

stella is such a funny girl.

she's this crazy mix. a balance, maybe? of wildly imaginative and strictly rule bound. more often we see her rigid rule follower ...

but occasionally we get a sublime glimpse of a girl in love with life. a dreamer.

this is her.

in all her whimsy.

thanks, i {heart} faces for being there ... even when i haven't been. i always click on over to see what you are up to ... and it's nice to join in once again.

you should click on over too ... see what other whimsical photos you can discover.

so much.

2011-06-25T22:15:00.000-05:00

sometimes ... there is just so much in here. in my head. and i want to write lovely little notes and tell you about things and tippitytap my fingers across the letters.

and i do.

in my head. in my bed. late at night. when the world is sleeping and i should be too ... but i'm not. because my head is thinking and exploding with thoughts and ideas and this and that.

things that i really want to tell you about ... but can't necessarily take the time to write. and so i think them.

i think about telling you about how stella is finally riding a bike. like really riding it ... well enough to go on long bike rides with us. and about how on those long bike rides i find pretty things like fields full of wild grasses (perfect photo location) and patches of stones ... rocks ... and little teeny tiny baby agates.

and i want to tell you about how finn is so cute now ... because whenever you say a person's name in that way that you would when you are calling for them from across the house or under a blanket hiding ... he answers back with "a--youuuu?" and it's adorable and sweet. and how he is amazingly this little boy. and i'm kind of liking trucks and tractors and busses and wheels and the noises that everything makes. even though i never thought i would.

i want to tell you about how hard it is with three. and how i never thought i would have three. and how lucky i am to have three. but that sometimes it's just really hard and confusing and difficult and occasionally i just cannot wait for seven o clock to come ... because that means that i will be ushering them towards bedtimes in the not too distant future.

i want to tell you about cora ... and how crazily crazy and loud and obnoxious she is in this so adorable way. and how she mentioned to me the other day, as we rode off to a doctor's appt the other day (fearful that she had ringworm because someone told me that ... but didn't. thankfully. just a funny little something or other. it's gone now.) and we were alone and she said ... "so. it's just you and me. that's special." and it was. because it's rarely just her and i. and i'm trying to fix that. i can't imagine being the middle. kind of lost but at the same time ... really important being both a big and a little sibling. and hard.

and my life isn't all hard. it's beautiful and it's lovely. and i'm getting to do things that i love. like take pictures of people. and it's amazing because it uses all of me. it uses the smiling social me and the creative me knocking at the door. together. and it's fun. plus ... also? babies.

and sometimes i'm sorry that i don't just stop by to tell you those things. i'm sorry that sometimes i can't just put these thoughts into a neat little package ... tied together with a giveaway or a life lesson or an ending.

and so i sometimes just don't.

but i should ... because really? this isn't about you. it's me. and us.

and i realized all of that tonight while tweeting with a friend. who feels many of those same things. and i had challenged us to write for 10 minutes. just 10 minutes. words.

and i did. except that it was actually 14.

thanks for listening.

park day.

2011-06-16T07:17:00.000-05:00

i said yes.
as soon as finners wakes up from his nap ... we'll go to the park.
and we did.

we brought the chalk ... and the wagon.

we split up at the corner of the park ... stella scootered one way. i pulled finners in the wagon the other way. and cora took off lickitysplit running from where we stood kitty corner from the park.

it was an experiment ... to see who could get there the fastest. it was so not a race ... i had to convince them of that after stella and i made it to the park minutes after cora was already playing on the slides. although next time ... there will have to be a hypothesis made BEFORE the experiment. and the result will have to be that stella will get there first ... because hello? fair.

and at one point ... i looked up to this.

my three babies ... my soft landing ... building a chalk house on the basketball court.
*note. we are standing just behind the couch.

and i realized ... that this little jaunt to the park across the street is so much more than just a little jaunt across the street to the park. it is a memory that i can either make ... or a memory that will fade into their little minds. and so ... we made it.

we drew our entire house ...
complete with a kitchen sink, silverware and dishes.

we jumped on our "beds". we sat on the couch. we got a set of bunk beds.

we encouraged each other to try drawing new things. to do something different.
and we did.

we realized that doing those new things ... like just trying to draw a truck ... can make you feel awfully proud when you realize that you CAN do those new things.

finners attempted some chalk drawing too.
he managed to draw all over himself.
but honestly i took the picture because ... i just don't want to ever forget these pudgy little hands and how they hold a piece of chalk.

chalk wasn't superty exciting ... but finners truly loves fridays.
garbage trucks. recycling trucks. and to top it off? tractors mowing the park. {heaven.}

i also just noticed that he kinda looks like a techie from backstage during the high school musical production of oklahoma.

but shorter.

we picked ... flowers.

we hung around.

i (kinda successfully) managed to get all three kids into the same picture.

twice.

i think i need to learn to just live in the moment and say yes ... more often.

hard to walk away.

2011-06-09T15:20:00.000-05:00

i (almost) made it out of the building without shedding a tear.

one of my students and her mom ... that i will forever love ... thanked me for what i had done for her daughter ... though it feels like so little ... compared to what she has done for me. she started the pangs of missing her already.

i said goodbye ... to so many from this building that i have grown to love ... knowing that i will continue to see them as a parent ... but i won't be coming back as a teacher there. and that made my heart hurt.

i closed the door to my office. i probably will miss the skylight ... a little.

and then i said goodbye to stella's teacher ... and i lost it.
totally and completely lost. it.
maybe it's because of my comfort level with her ... or the fact that she probably knows more about me than anyone ... thank you stella. or that she's pregnant and her hormones were making me wacky. i don't know.

what i do know ... is .. i'm a blubbering fool when it comes to goodbyes and changes and transition in general. like everyone ... i like to know what is around the corner. i like to know who i'm going to run into. i like to feel safe and comfortable and happy.

and yet.

i'm venturing into the unknown of a new position. a new school (or three). a new place for me.
... something entirely different than what has been done before ... and it's good. right?

it's good to do something new ... because if you don't? you might just never know how much you might just love it.

so, with tears in my eyes ... i stepped out of the unknown ... and into something entirely new.

and i'm going to be ok with that.

i think

but i also do know that i'm so super wonderfully grateful that i have my three babies to love on all summer long.

in the wise words of a friend that is retiring this year ... it's going to make for a softer landing.

why the end of the year CANNOT COME FAST ENOUGH.

2011-05-28T14:00:00.001-05:00

i had to write an email to a friend the other day ...

to remark upon her post that she had put up the evening before ... because it really struck me ...
quite honestly ... everything she says strikes me.
she is an amazingly eloquent writer ... and a lovely person too.
and someday i will meet her *in person* just so that i can validate that truth.

and because sometimes i find myself funnier when i'm not trying to be funny ... i just thought you might want to hear why i'm fairly certain that the end of the school year cannot come fast enough ... taken from our email correspondence.

though it will probably come way. too. fast.

{just had to write} to tell you i love you.

after your post and your dancing ...

and i can't comment ... because i'm at work and i flipped over to your site for a mere minute in between groups because i needed to get my head away from attempting to teach homonyms.

oh holy hell.

homonyms are sort of the death of me ... like smacking my head against a brick wall.

ok kids ... REMEMBER! these words sound the same ... but they are spelled different and they mean different things. BUT!! they SOUND! the! SAME!!!!!!

let's see if you can figure out this one!!

it can mean mommy's little boy
OR!
it can mean something bright that shines in the sky ...

someone always guesses one of those ... like this ...

SUN!!! SUN!!! a sun is in the sky!!!!

ok yay!! you got this one {pointing}!!! what is this one{pointing}???

mommy's little boy.
hmmmmm.
*mommy's little boy*
remember ... THEY SOUND THE SAME!

brother?
nope ... THEY SOUND THE SAME

boy??
gah. no ... they sound THE SAME!
why did you sigh?
keep trying!

daddy????
ohholyhellno. they SOUND THE SAME SAY THIS WORD AGAIN IT SOUNDS EXACTLY THE SAME IF YOU JUST SAY THIS WORD TWO TIMES YOU WILL GET BOTH OF THE ANSWERS RIGHT >>> THERE IS NO NEED TO EVEN THINK YOU WILL GET IT RIGHT IF YOU JUST SAY IT TWO TIMES.

(that part i just say in my head)
love you. even if she doesn't. thanks for giving me a minute away from homonyms.
about to teach idioms though.
save. me.

new angles. old angles.

2011-05-27T23:32:00.001-05:00

life. from a whole new angle.

sometimes ... i just don't want to think and analyze and determine the best this or that.

sometimes ... i just want to take a picture because it feels right.

sometimes ... there just isn't a perfect light or a perfect ISO or a perfect shutter speed.

sometimes ... there is just a perfect moment.

unlike my loverly camera that i am so in love with ...

(that totally needs a name ... talullah? violet?)

my little phone camera fits in my pocket and let's me color outside the lines when i need to.

enjoying a little {free} fisheye lens action ... because lilacs make me smile.

{and fisheyes make me smile. so together i supersmile.}

or take a picture of my boy ... in a style totally different from how i usually shoot.

because that's how my mood felt that day.

{he's searching the sky for daddy ... }

i can share a puddley yard with a friend ... in new york.

so that she can sympathize. or laugh. at my misfortune.

{yes. my yard. now you know why my basement flooded.}

i can share a found treasure with a treasured friend.

yes. that's me. on the left.

with weird al yankovic. who is obviously in the middle.

and my bestest friend sara ... the cute-not-amazonish-looking-girl on the right.

{would you ever believe that this was kind of normal for her and i to get to meet famous people at her dad's office. like all the time. new kids on the block. met them. janet jackson. met her. beach boys. yep.}

i can take a picture of something that i never want to forget.

{like how the baby boy rubs the silky part of his blue blankie against his ear as he nods off to sleep}

i can capture a breathtaking sunset.

and fluffy white clouds floating through a deep blue sky.

the sky is calling me lately.

isn't it just amazing?

it is endless.

and we are all underneath it.

even though you are where you are

which may or may not be anywhere near me ...

we are under the same sky.

crazycakes.

and though it seems so small in comparison ...

the ground is teeming with things to see.

as long as you get down and look.

there are even things that ... although they are stuck to the ground ...

find a way to let loose and float into the endless blue of the sky.

you just never know where you will find that perfectly beautiful moment that you just must capture.
it's how i felt way back when i used film.
gasp.
creative. energetic. willing to try something new. just because i could.
new angles. old angles.
funny how everything always comes full circle.

neither here nor there ... again.

2011-05-27T00:31:00.000-05:00

last week ... i took the kiddos to the arboretum ...
after all that winterishness we've really been needing color in our lives.

sorry that you are getting bombarded with florals. i just cannot get enough of color. and how they mix and match. and how they strike off of one another ... and how they are NOT. WHITE.

i am totally not admitting this publicly. but stella had a doctor appointment that has nothing to do with the fact that i made her walk around, play soccer and chase boys at recess on a possibly sprained ankle.
oh wait.
i'm not MAKING her chase boys.
this little recess activity is oh-so-NOT-secretly driving me up the wall.

anyhoo.
i had heard there was rain in the forecast. ha! that little tidbit gets a little funnier when you find out that MY ENTIRE BASEMENT FLOODED that following weekend. like ... carpeting in the driveway. fans and vacuums running at all hours. playroom in my living room.
super funny.

and to think ... i was merely bummed that the rain might knock all the pretty little petals off of the tulips. and that the blossomed crabapple trees might release their blanket of pink to the grassy carpet below ... if i didn't take the kids to get that perfect picture for above my piano ... TODAY.

mistake numero uno.

we i oogled over the tulips. for a bit of time.

the sun was just enough out after a bit of rain in the morning ... we spent time enjoying life among the flowers.
i nursed finn in a garden of lilacs.
which can now be recorded as my favorite place to nurse ... of all time.
beating out the second and third place contenders ... in a bounce tent and in a barn.

i let the girly-girls use the superty mommy camera to take a few pictures ...

fun to see what caught their eye.
and then we decided to find the crabapple trees! so that i could get that picture!
you know. the one that was already printed on a canvas and hanging above my piano?
{in. my. mind.}

because ... this?
this sweet little boy right here ...
turned into a MONSTER.
a crying screaming sobbing ... i haven't taken a nap ... i don't want to go in the car ... i don't want to walk ... i don't want anything ... but i want that ... but i don't want that ... but i do ... give it to me ... {throw it on the ground} ... where is the freaking wine bar in this arboretum??? ... monster.

spoiler alert?
there are no more cute boy pictures in this post.

oh yay! the picture! the picture of my three beautiful children to hang above my pia ... what? wait.
there's only two.
where's finners?

oh ... hanging on my pants screaming biting my thigh. yes. biting my thigh. because that was the only thing that would keep him from banging his head against the ground.
loverly.

so i tried the dump and run tactic. i pulled out my wide angle ... slyly thinking no-one will ever be the wiser.
unless i blog this awesome experience.
you're welcome.

and also ... close ups. because it's so much more perfect that way.

stella noticing a bug bite on cora. cora's been getting these weird black fly (but they look like gnat) bites on her neck and head. the rest of us don't seem to get them as much. don't worry ... i won't even describe the bite and the ensuing bleeding because they don't just suck your blood ... apparently the females of the species saw out a piece of your flesh to eat ... so. fun.

cora trying to show finn her dandelions.

oh. and finn? deserted by mommy and crying.

stella running to tell me about the bite. in the panic stricken way that only a first born girl child could.

cora trying to figure out why stella keeps freaking out.

finners? still crying.

stella ... out of the picture yet screaming in my ear.

cora ... dancing with her dandelions. blissfully unaffected in a way that a happy little middle child can be.

finn ... sobbing in the background.

stella pointing out the bug bite ... because she's feeling that her mommy isn't paying any attention to her pleading cries of oh-my-help!-it's-bleeding!

cora ... carefree. happy with dandelions.

finn? trying to escape. and crying.

stella ... ditto.

cora ... ditto.

finn ... ditto.

crabapple trees and the three mile drive to find them can just suck it.

oh hai pretty little lady tulips ... what's that you say? you love piano music?? well ... do i have a nice little home for you.

easy. hard.

2011-05-19T23:36:00.000-05:00

we needed something new today.
something not just everyday ... but a special today something ...
not just an everyday just across the street park visit ... but a hidden away we never go there park visit.

so we i packed the kids up and drove a few miles to the elementary school where i had grown up ...

(after first driving past my old house convinced that if the rock that i ~~stole~~ borrowed from the badlands was still there next to the mailbox that i might just possibly return it to it's rightful owner.)
it wasn't.

we played. the girls ran. stella scrambled across monkey bars. cora scooted up climbers and ropes. finners scrambled up and down and up and down. occasionally pausing to point at a plane (and waving hi to daddy up there.)

we played.

and then i collected the kids and dragged them to the front of the building where i had seen some pops of gorgeous vibrant color as we drove up ...

and as we rounded the building i remembered.

there was a little girl ... i can't remember for the life of me ... her name. or if she was just a bit older. or just a bit younger.
but i remember her.

that she lived. once upon a time she lived in this corner of the world. and she went to this same little school. and she walked through these same little hallways. and she opened that same door. and she played on this dirt beneath my feet. and her voice and giggles echoed through this air. and then she got sick. and then she died.

and in memory of her ... that little garden was planted.

and i remember thinking it was nice of us to remember her that way ... though i was too young to fully understand that she was anything but gone from our little world.

and i told the girly girls the story of that little girl.

of course ... stella had a lot of questions. hows? and whys? and wheres?

cora merely listened and softly stroked the petals of a purple tulip that was stretching it's elegant neck towards the last glimpses of the sun in the sky.

and as we walked through the garden and visited with the plants ... i couldn't stop thinking about her mommy.

she had HAD this. this exact very same thing that brightens my life. she had her children there with her. she had her daughter. she had giggles in her day. and chubby hands to grab hers. she had eyes full of wonder. and a life that depended upon her. she had someone with wants. and probably also occasionally felt swarmed by life. and kids.

had.

she HAD all those things.

i HAVE all those things.

have.

funny how such a little word can be so easily flipped and then flopped. how easy life can feel and then how hard it can get and then how easy it can feel before it gets hard again.

i feel so lucky tonight to have that flipping flopping ... easy. hard. easy. hard. easy. hard.

neither here nor there.

2011-05-18T06:58:00.000-05:00

** things of virtually no importance. irrelevant and most likely unnecessary to the conversation.

though quite possibly knocking at my brain and spilling out of my fingertips.

yesterday ... i may have recorded this as one of my proudest moments in all of my life.
my three kids sitting on the couch reading a book. together.
please ignore cora's finger in her nose.

this is how cute they look from the front.
also note.
this is after stella spied me and figured out what i was doing and i told her to just keep reading.
she did.
it was also after i requested that cora take her finger out of her nose.
she didn't.
in fact. i think she proceeded further.
she does not get her stubborness from me.

this is what happens when the boy sees mommy playing with something that has buttons.
BUTTONS.
#boysareweird

i've also been doing a little bit of this recently.
and i feel like i'm cheating on you guys with my other blog.
which has gotten SO MUCH MORE attention from me in the past few weeks.
so please ... come visit me there too ... then at least you will both know about each other and we can be a little more sister wives and a little less maury.
also note ... there are twins in that beautiful belly. two baby girls. coming soon-ish.
do you know how excited i am to be able to photograph this family and share in their joy?
so. excited.

cora turned four.
four.
gah.
if you have no idea how much like me she is ... then this picture should help.
except for the stubbornness.
she TOTALLY doesn't get that from me.

oh you want to see a close up?

this girl cracks me up.
she called me a little stinker pants the other day.
i have no idea where she got that.
she also calls me mamanut whenever i call her coconut.
goof.

oh hi there superty cute baby boy.

we had a storm the other night.
just as i was laying finners to bed. in his own bed. and without nursing ... he fell asleep.
~~cue angels singing~~ ... cue tornado sirens.
seriously.
scooped the boy OUT OF BED to the basement where he proceeded to sleep on the couch.
while jeremy requested that i risk my life for all of you to take a picture of the mammatus clouds (which is super fun to say ... try it.)
you're welcome.

in a very sappy way ... i feel like those clouds a little. things bubbling. turmoil. though not in the oh-woe-is-me sort of way ... just ... stuff. things that i'm not quite ready to talk about. things that i'm not quite sure are here or there.

neither here nor there ... i guess.

crazy ass sunflare.

2011-04-28T23:33:00.000-05:00

i'm fairly certain that this is the newest in technical terms for professional photographers.

crazy ass sunflare.

see?
there really is no other way of describing that.
can you think of a better term?

and also ... another one of THOSE moments ... when i see that light ... hitting something ... someone ...
... just right ...
and i ask my (~~sometimes~~ ~~usually~~ ~~occasionally~~ ~~often~~ sometimes) agreeable husband to just hold on a second while i go and grab my camera. {pretty please?}

and i'm once again wowed by what me and my camera can do ... even when we aren't shooting for perfectly technical ... when we are just clicking along because it's what feels so right ...

we all need those reminders of why we do things once in awhile ... don't we?

on eggs. and easter.

2011-04-24T00:36:00.001-05:00

i find myself filling baskets and sorting through who got this and who gets that ...
jellybeans. and skittles. chocolate. and coins.

trying to figure out just how we all fit here.
because as a family ... we aren't celebrating easter for what easter is meant to be celebrated for. and that's never how i intended to live my life ... it's just kind of how it's become.

growing up ... we were ... religious? i don't know. that doesn't necessarily seem right either ... i remember going to a catholic church ... for quite some time ...
and i remember silly things about it.

like standing in line to confess my sins ... and being terrified as i walked through the line ... having NO IDEA what i was going to say. and so i blurted out that i hit my sister. even though i didn't. and i remember that feeling so wrong.

and i remember being told that my picture of god ... which was just a plain old circle on the page ... couldn't be god.

and then finally ... we went to service one day and it was something new ... and there was a woman ... dancing all around the church during the service. and i remember wanting to giggle about it ... but holding it in because as i scanned the other faces ... there were no smiles or looks of uncomfortableness. there were no raised eyebrows. no sly glances from one adult to another ... it seemed like everyone else was totally fine with this crazy lady dancing around ... while people spoke. and while the music played. except for my parents ... who i'm fairly certain were weirded out ... because we never really went back after that.

there was definitely a pause in our religiousness after that.

and then ... eventually i became friends with a group of kids in high school that were from church going families. and so we went. and we joined a new church ... and i was in it full-heartedly. like at least 5 nights per week i was there for some reason or another. i went to a catholic college my first year ... abandoned that wholeheartedly that spring ... and went off to north dakota ...

and i'm not sure what changed up there in the cold tundra of the north.

but something did.
there wasn't any grand emotion ... or event that preceeded this transition ... there was just a shifting.

the shift has made me open my eyes to what else could be. and how there maybe just isn't any one right or wrong ... rather that people just are who they are ... and they believe what they need to believe ... and that it really is just all right and all good ... and it's ok to feel how you need to feel.

and yet ... we still celebrate easter ... but not so much for the religious reasons.

i realize as i write this ... that to me - right now - i look at it as a move into spring. a nature based idea of the world going through a transition ... into new life ... and baby animals. and the greening of the grass. the rushing of the water. and the daffodills that are peeking through the dirt.

and maybe that's why the non-religious traditions are what feel comfortable to me tonight as i fill baskets and nibble on jellybeans. maybe that's why bunnies and eggs and flowers feel ok and do-able.

happy easter to all of you out there ... in whatever way you choose to celebrate.
it's all ok by me.

and if you want to read something that a friend wrote ... in which she ... much more eloquently than me ... writes about religion in her life ... click here ... it struck a chord with me ... i hope she doesn't mind me sharing.

springishness.

2011-04-21T22:25:00.000-05:00

it's the light that gets me.

each and every time ... it's how light pours through openings and windows. how light strikes up against the blades of grass
or a tree
or a face.

light inspires me ... it ignites a passion in me ... light fills me with hope ... spring.

i see it. and i observe it. and my heart flutters. and i try to decide if this is one of those moments.
or one of these moments.

and if it's one of those moments?

i turn back toward the house, grab my camera and run back to the light ... hoping that it has waited for me.

and i try to capture it.

and then sometimes ... i get lucky enough ... and i do.

and i look at the picture and it surrounds me in peace.

even though i know that the picture itself was captured during a moment of crazy in my life when kids were screaming and running through the yard and the swingset was beginning to rock with stella's highflying swinging ... and cora was begging for an underdog and finn just needed someone to push his swing again. and the neighbor boys were running down to join in on the fun ... and the dog was barking because i left her in the front yard.

it's the light that gets me.

each. and every. time.

evolution of a superhero ...

2011-04-20T21:36:00.000-05:00

boppa was slightly offended at the baby boy's cinderella pajamas that he has inherited from his big sisters.

so ...

boppa took it into his own hands to outfit the boy with more suitable pj attire.

and although i am one of those moms that doesn't really mind if my boy wears pink.
or cinderella.
or paints his toenails.
or plays with baby dolls.
and twirls in tutus ...

even i have to admit that my boy. in a cape. is pure adorableness.

cute boy. in cape.

mama attempts to make it look like cute boy. in cape. can fly.

boy becomes distraught.

mama sticks her tongue out at boy as a distraction technique.

{it works.} boy sticks tongue back out at mama.

boy notices camera. and buttons. buttons. BUTTONS!

boy attempts to look cute. to acquire buttons.

boy screams because he doesn't get buttons.

boy pleads to either have buttons or nurse.

{mama isn't willing to give up the camera.} so boy nurses.

boy runs away happy.

a superhero ...

saving baby dolls that are abandoned in hallways everywhere.

amongst other things ... stella really did turn seven.

2011-04-18T00:07:00.000-05:00

and believe it or not?
i'm writing her seven year old letter to her ... WITHIN 19 DAYS OF HER BIRTHDAY.

whew.

(which may totally distract you from the fact that i haven't written anything else here in ... um ... forever.)

dear stellers.

yep. you still are driving me crazy cakes. and i'm kinda realizing that this just may be what i'm destined for in life ... so i might as well suck it up and get used to it. (all while stocking up on wine and margarita mix.)

i had a beautiful maternity photography session today ... and i decided to keep out my camera while the sun was retreating into the tippity tops of the pine trees so that i could capture a photograph of you ... because i was bound and determined to write this letter tonight.

and you know me. i don't post well without a photo.

so i did.

and i asked you to smile.
and i asked you to pose.
and i asked you to step slightly to the left so that i could attempt some gorgeous sunflare.

and you did.
because you are the most willing model on the face of the planet.

and then?
you did this.

while waiting for me to get something or other together ...

and it is my most favorite picture from tonight ... probably because you aren't smiling. and you aren't posing. and you aren't stepping a foot to the left. you are just standing there being you.

(complete with the remnants of last week's black eye. courtesy of another first grader that wasn't supposed to be on the monkey bars at school as you were running below. though i'm fairly positive that you should always look before running under monkey bars.)

and that makes me fall in love with you all over again.

these are the things that i love about you. seven to be exact ... though just like every other year ... it's incredibly hard to narrow it down.

one.
i love that mole just below your left collarbone. i love that there is a mole in your hairline. i love that you are this unique individual. in looks and in attitude and in your beauty. and in your sense of who you are.

two.
speaking of attitude.
gah.
but?
i love that you have some. i love that you question everything. i *hate* that you question everything ... especially when i ask you to do something and then you ask "why?" ... but someday ... i hope you question EVERYTHING. because it is your innate ability to question the things around you that will keep you safe. and intelligent.

three.
you love. beyond anything measurable. you love.
you just do.
you love your family. you love your friends. you love your possessions. and you would fight for them if it came down to that.
and i hate knowing that this trait is probably going to cause endless heartache someday for you ... but i promise to always be there ... even when you don't want me to ...

four.
that smile of yours.
no. not that one. not the fake "say cheese" smile that comes out that looks utterly painful ... teeth clenched and eyes drilling.
THAT one.
the one that is head tilted back giggling happy. the eyes that smile bigger than your lips. the true smile that doesn't come out near often enough but that i treasure whenever it makes it's grand appearance.

five.
your ability to read.
it happened. one day this year ... you just happened to click ... you went from reading simple books with simple sentences on colorful pages ... to reading BOOKS. real live books. books with plots and characters. books that have glorious words filling the pages and simple drawings here and there that just help to lead your imagination through them. you read aloud to your siblings. you read aloud to yourself. you quietly read in bed. you pour through books and signs and catalogs. you read.

six.
your desire to learn.
first grade is the best grade that you've ever been in ... according to you. in fact. you kinda just want to stay in first grade forever. or ... i wonder if you are just so enamoured with your first grade teacher. she's been wonderful for you. and i promise ... that if you are anything like i was ... you'll adore every teacher that you have. well. most every teacher. you're bound to encounter someone interesting somewhere along the line.
but you do love learning. and you remember everything. i just hope we can keep up with you ... and help to challenge you along the way.

seven.
the balance of who you are.
because not only do you love learning. but you love being active. and music. and art. and imagination. and helping. and solitude. and ... i think i always dreamed that my children would be balanced. and that they would have enough exposure to everything that they could then decide what they wanted their life focus to become ... and you are fulfilling that dream of mine. which was actually a dream for you. and i just hope that you grow up happy. and fulfilled.

knowing that you are loved beyond measure.

by so. many. people.

even when you drive us bonkers.

you. are. loved.

as big as the universe, my dear.

love always,
mommy.

spillage.

2011-04-04T22:05:00.000-05:00

i step over a crocodile in my kitchen to rinse yet another glass before cramming it into the dishwasher. i wipe clean a countertop that can accumulate sticky even when i'm fairly positive that nothing sticky was touched. i hear a cow moo at me as i walk past the refrigerator. there's someone coughing in their room and the lights are dim and i'm trying to tiptoe through the house.

and i realize i can only contain these words for so long. i try not to write when my husband is home. i know. that seems silly ... but we only get so much time together ... and i try not to stay awake late into the evenings when he is home merely because having someone warm to lie against is not too common in a pilot household.

i kind of try to remember to cherish it. when i can.

but there comes a time when the words and feelings have piled up so much inside of me that they are begging to spill forth.

even though my pilot husband is still home ... he's since fallen asleep ... and the words are able to clippity clack out through my fingers.

i have no idea what will spill ... and i think that's ok.

during a late night nursing session i came across a "dislike" blog of a favorite blog of mine. quite honestly i had no idea that these things even existed. i'm baffled. and it made my stomach turn.

not because of who this person is ... but more that someone would feel strongly enough to write terrible things about them ... simply because of how they choose to write about their life.

i'm not sure that i can call myself a writer. i write. yes. but ... i'm not a literary great by any means. honestly. these words pour out of my fingers and my pinkies rarely touch a shift key. my words are often made up and silly sounding. but they roll off my fingers simply. and my mind empties. and i don't feel so stuck inside. i type late into the night when my littles are asleep ... rather than lie awake at night feeling the words ... but having no place to put them.

i would think that is why we are all here. right?

to put these thoughts out of ourselves. and yes. comments and validation feel good. but ... i think most of us would keep writing our words even if no one spoke back.

so why beat each other up over it?

so what if another person appears to be wildly imaginative and creative and blessed with beauty.
so what if another person appears to be complacent and calm in the wake of a event that would send most spinning out of control.
so what if a person forgets to capitalize or use punctuation or make up words.

they are writing to satisfy something within themself. and there is room enough to do it. if it doesn't directly affect you and who you are. why care. why not just keep doing what you love to do ... simply because you love to do it. and let others do the same.

and in the most awful segue ever published on the internets ... stella turned seven.
amidst massive amounts of spraying water.
and maybe the only way to save that poor excuse for a segue is to say that there was this giant bucket that would fill itself with water and spill upon any one every so often. (like my words.)
(and just for the record ... THAT attempt at making a cohesive post for you to read even kinda makes me gag.)

we surprised her with a trip to wisconsin dells ... a town with numerous waterparks. and we stayed in a place that we have since deemed worth every penny. {great wolf lodge} (which is so not even remotely aware - nor do they care - about who i am ... so i was in no way compensated for this glowing report). it was easy and fun. completely family friendly and we lived in our swimsuits for three days straight. there was so much to do. and we had a blast. and the margaritas that were available on the way back to the room were delicious. and blue. and so. good. and we are pretty much screwed if we ever try to take the kids to any other hotel. um. ever.

and while jeremy was off finding coffee (though it wasn't that hard. starbucks coffee on the second floor!) cora and i slipped into bed with stellers and sang happy birthday.

and she spent the next umpteen hours asking us how old she was. and near noon-ish we all started to get a little crabby about this constant barrage of questioning OVER AND OVER and i remember hearing jeremy say ... "basically you are seven. if anyone asks you ... you are seven. for all intents and purposes you. are. seven. blah blah blah blah ...

and then at 4:28 on 3/28 ... while dining in our new favorite restaurant {the cheese factory}. (thank you alicia!) she turned seven. and we sang happy birthday. and she hid her face and became embarrassed of all of us. her crazy cake family. and that's when i realized how close i am to raising a teenager.

a tear spilled off my cheek as i remembered that hospital room. and the people. so. many. people. and realizing later how close we were to losing one of us and just how lucky we were (and are). and remembering daddy saying ... "it's stella." and finally knowing who you were. i carried you in a state of panic for 9-ish months ... never really knowing who you were. and then i knew. and i held you in my arms and felt empty when someone else would hold you ... and i couldn't believe you were there.

and now? seriously? seven? that was seven years ago?

and then all hell broke loose and baby brother commenced must. terrorize. restaurant. NOW. attitude. and cora started her screaming. and mommy had to drag baby boy blue out to the car while he screamed until he realized that he had full button pushing capability sitting on mommy's lap in the front seat waiting for daddy and big sisters to choose the cake and pay the bill.

and i watched the window go up and down and up and down and up and down.

and we drove home eventually. and enjoyed (maybe?) a bit of time together ... and you had your best friend over for two nights and i took you out for a best friend photosession that i had so much fun doing. and i'm fairly certain that you both enjoyed yourself as well.

and i promise to write you your seven year old letter ... soon. i meant to have it done before we left. but didn't obviously. and then i've been busy enjoying all this time with you ... and daddy has been here so i just haven't taken a moment to write.

though ... i promise. i have the words in here. ready to spill. just as soon as i get another chance.

soon.

because i can only hold these words for so long ... before they must come spilling out through my fingers.

dude has some fashion sense.

2011-03-25T14:14:00.000-05:00

(note. i didn't say GOOD fashion sense.)

just don't ignore the cuteness.
because seriously. who could??

finners LOVES dora.
i take that back.
cora loves dora.
so therefore finners loves dora too.

and caillou.

please send tequila, wine and chocolate to my home address. thank you for your support.

my little blue caboose saw this sock and HAD. TO. WEAR. IT.
like immediately.
over his pajamas.

and then we went to the store.

and because he's a third baby ... he went in his pajamas. because i had to get dressed. and i can only dress a maximum of three people per day.

stella had to go to school - one.
cora was wearing a tank top - two.
i was wearing the same black yoga pants that i had been wearing when jeremy left on his trip. three days ago. - THREE.

you have no idea how many people stopped me to tell me that the boy was missing a sock. with a slightly confused look on their face.

one look at cora - wearing a kermit the frog shirt and purple pants and an easter sweater ... surely could have put them at ease.

clothes are just not a fight that i choose to fight as a mama.

plus. little boy was gladly entertained by dora for much of the morning.

and that?
makes me smile.

so. you turned three. and a half.

2011-03-23T21:55:00.003-05:00

SO LONG AGO.
november 3rd to be exact.
but ... three is a crazy age. so i'm totally allowing myself to feel ok with the fact that it has taken me a bajillion years to write your "today you are three and a half and this is who you are" letter.

feel like you've missed something dear readers?
two and a half ...
one and a half ...
(on every half birthday i write a little note to my babies to tell them who they were at that moment in time. so bear with me ... this one is for her ... )

cora.
coconut.
my little middle.

i remember when your 3 (and a half!) birthday was coming upon us ... mostly because we were remembering how most of the family was sick with that major uck last year at this time. and i said! oh yay! cora is about to have her three and a half birthday!
and you demanded cake.
because that's just kinda what you do.

and we happened to be at ikea that night ... buying some shelf or something to utilize in my endless quest for organization of the never-going-to-be-organized-toy room. and we left ikea with grandma and auntie lulu. and got in the van. and then i realized that everyone was superduper hungry and that the drive home was going to be ridiculous if attempted before you all had food in your tums. so i threw finners back into the sling and hoisted you up onto the other hip and made poor stellers walk. i'm sure i looked like quite the sight dragging three crying children back into the store. by myself. (grandma and lulu had left us in the parking lot.) and they were completely out of meatballs.
frickfrack.
the promised meatballs were not available. but giganto slices of weird cakes were apparently sufficient to make up for their nonexistance.

and in the middle of the restaurant late at night we sang happy half birthday to you as loud as we could.
and we smiled and giggled and laughed our way through a not-so-nutritious meal of mashed potatoes and cake.

and you turned three and a half.

and this is who you are.
... just recently you declared yourself a vegetarian ... which looking back ... isn't weird at all. you always were one to eat your fruits and vegetables and leave everything else on your plate. it's just official now.
... you are amazingly stubborn. and it's hard. and it's rough. and it makes for some really frustrating moments in parenting you. like the several days when you have asked me to make your new favorite dinner ... that you tell me is your favorite dinner (spinach enchiladas) but you won't let anyone watch you eat it ... because one time you said you wouldn't like it ... and so now? even though you tell me it's your favorite ... noone can. see you. enjoy it. gah!

... but i wouldn't want you to be any other way.
... someday? i'm really going to cherish this trait of yours.
... alone ... you are the brightest most sunshiney child.
... you can light up a room.
... with your brother and sister ... you are a tad more frustrated. (but who wouldn't be when jammed in between those two?)

... yesterday you were going to get your ears pierced. and you woke up with the sun and a yawn spread across your face and you told me, "sometimes? when you yawn really big? it means that you are excited to go and get your ears pierced."
... and then you didn't.
... and i think that maybe you felt really bad that you couldn't do it.
... but it's ok. because i felt a little funny about the possibility of you having them pierced anyways.
... you still love purple. it's your favorite. but you also like pink and yellow, you say.
... you have a creativity all your own. it shows up in your clothing style and in your art.

hey... it all had pink. complete with boingy ponytail things. six of them.

no ... not like that. BOING-I-ER.

... you love words and how they spill off your tongue. you love to sing silly things and say things that cause people to listen.
... you love to have people sleep next to you ... or at the very least ... lie with you while you drift off to sleep.
... but generally you end up kicking them in the head during the night ... so no one really LOVES sleeping next to you.
... you desperately want to go to school. and you can count and read letters and numbers on the busses.
... and we still have to wait another year for kindergarten.
... but we are looking around at preschools. because you would be in heaven ... learning.

... you are still scared of dogs barking. and you have the best hearing in the world.
... sometimes you scream MOMMY! in the middle of the night and i run into your room expecting you to have fallen out of bed or be on the verge of getting sick ... and you calmly say "i love you mama" and roll over smiling yourself to sleep.
... for the longest time you said ... "i wizzint!" (for "i wasn't). and now? you say ... "i wizzint! i know it's supposed to be wasn't. but it's more fun to say wizzint." (try it. it IS more fun.)

... i still can't believe how easily you gave up your nuk nuk when you turned three. (and just for the record ... i totally have one hidden away ... for memories sake.)
... you are a thinker. you ask me about things from when you were little. or when i was little. and you love to listen to the old stories.
... you love to read books. though you have no favorites. you just love pictures and words and quite possibly your favorite part is cuddling.
... you give the best bear hugs. in the world. hands down.
... you are kind and helpful. most of the time.
... you are jealous and loud. often.
... you are sweet and sour. all at the same time.
... and i think it's because you are a middle. well. and you are three.
and three is just really a hard age to be.
because you are big enough to understand so much ... and too little to do too much.
and i can't imagine how frustrating that is.

i'm trying to remember though ... because it's just you.
and you are so incredibly beautiful. everything about you is amazingly wonderful. and i hope that you never forget that.

i love you sweet coconut. so so SO big.
love always,
your mama.

moments.

2011-03-17T00:05:00.000-05:00

i read someone somewhere who said blogging isn't always about blogging the big things.

it's about blogging the moments.

(was that you?)

i probably could remember these things if i didn't have a reader jammedfull of so.many.posts. that i don't get the time to get to ... but i hate to send into oblivion ... because what if i miss something?

moments.

i try really really hard to remember to acknowledge those moments. especially the little things. that someone said. or a glimpse i had of a child's thoughts. or an idea that flitted it's way through my concious. though often the moments are rushed and chaotic and quickly pulse into the next moment ... lost {not quite} forever into the depths of my mind ... and i can imagine myself an old lady in a rocking chair. remembering. {hopefully vividly}

and then sometimes. i try to capture it.
just because i might not remember.
or i might need a trigger.
or because godforbid something ever happen to me ... i want someone else to have an idea of what that glorious moment looked like. so that they can share it. and they can see this beauty that i saw.

in those everyday moments ... that stood out to me. for some reason or another.

and i was alone with the boy last weekend. so things probably ~~were~~ are ~~a little~~ centered around him ~~in these pictures~~ all the time actually.

this boy of mine. he has my heart. but he loves him some boppa time ... well ... at least when daddy isn't around. he will leave mama for daddy or boppa. unless he wants to nurse. i'm currently under the assumption that i will have to cut him off when he leaves for college. though ... hopefully he'll do it on his own time. much much earlier than that.

please excuse the boy wearing cora's cinderella pajamas. in black and white it wasn't completely obvious. but ... poor kid has minimal jammers. and he completely can destroy a pair of pajamas in a single meal. kid changes clothing all. the. time. and cora has an overabundance of pajamas. (not sure how ... but she can convince anyone during a target shopping escapade that she needs pajamas and underwear.)

there was just something about putting him in a flannel shirt that changed him from baby to boy.

ohmydeargoodness. he's my. boy.

and i'm fascinated by how happy that word makes me. i never thought i would get to that point. if you've been around here awhile you know that the thought of blue sent me into tears when i found out about him. but ... you all were right ... i have fallen for him. and there just isn't ANYTHING quite like the love that a boy has for his mama.

he might go to daddy and boppa for fun. but ... we have something pretty special.

and then he managed to flithify another outfit.
and a bath was in order.
and he got that entire bath to himself.

and he played for.ev.er.

and though i'm not sharing the tummy picture on here. (because though none of you are kooks - of course ... they are out there).

and that?

is the moment that i will remember when i'm old and sitting underneath a chunky knit blanket rocking back and forth ... my baby boy's tummy. his pooched out little tum. while he splashed and played and smiled in bathwater that was getting cold by the second. how he giggled when i blew bubbles that caught windstreams in the quiet air of the steamy bathroom and floated up and away. how he stared in amazement as i poured water from a glass watching it cascade into the bath water as he tried to grasp it ... but couldn't.

moments. unlike the stream of water pouring from above ... they can be caught. and filtered away. and saved for another day.

signs of spring.

2011-03-12T23:31:00.000-06:00

did you know that yesterday ... before i even wrote that whole sounds post thing ...
i actually DID take some pictures?

i did.

i just forgot.

see previous post indicating complete LACK OF SLEEP.

visual representation of the noises out my door.

visual representation of the fact that i do occasionally direct crafty activities with my kids.

it may look like a gift bag vomited into a vase hanging on my wall ... but if you look closer ... you'll notice that ~~the vase isn't actually in there ... my dad broke it~~ those are beautiful flowers made of color coordinated tissue paper.

one hour of pure silence for the win.

and yet ... today?
it's freezing ass cold outside.
spring is such a tease.

sounds.

2011-03-12T00:15:00.001-06:00

it's funny.
i'm so acutely aware of visuals and pictures and colors and ohmythecolors. my head is filled with them.

it's just what i've always been.

colors spark emotion in me like nothing else. if i feel something. i think a color. it's completely tied together. i've never though as much about it as i just have here in those last few seconds of plunking away on my keyboard.

do you do that ... that whole thinking in color thing?? or am i just really weird?

and yet ... today ... i finally pulled out my poor camera that has spent far too many days tucked away while we all faced sick upon sick.

hidden away because ...
i'm rather positive that no one needs to see photographic proof of finn puking every. single. night. sometime between 12:30 and 1:00 am.
or the ensuing laundry that had to be done. every. single. night.
or the poor baby's SIX pounds that he lost over the course of a week.
(thank god that he is still nursing.)
or me. sick. (let's just not go there, ok?)
or the countless trips to the pediatrician ... attempting blood draws and xrays. trying to figure out the cause of that whole weird puking thing that finn was doing. that lead to dilated loops of bowels or some crazy diagnosis like that ... THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER GOOGLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. trust me.

by the way ... my mother in law might just kill me for writing this ... but i think she despises the word puke. or puking. like drives her crazy despises ... based upon something she said when stellers was little and i said that word.
and so quite possibly?
this entire post - if she reads it - will drive her bonkers because i've just said puke like 842 times.
and the thought of that makes me feel like going back and changing those words to vomit. or eject.
but i'm not going to ... sorry.

there would also be a few photos showing you my ~~monster~~ cat that ... on top of the entire family being sick with something or other ... decided to go and get himself a bladder infection. complete with crystals and blood in the urine.
and how do we know? because i am apparently really good at catching cat pee ... in a cup. yay! me!
so if i wasn't at the pediatrician's office ... i was at the vet. or in bed. (if i was lucky).

let's circle back on around now, shall we?

so ... i'm a super visual person which is why i feel incredibly weird about posting without a picture.

and yet?

what i really wanted to tell you ...

was that ... tonight? while i walked the dog outside ... my neighbors windchimes played music. that i'm assuming is always there ... i just don't listen ~~to it~~ often enough.

and as i sit hear and focus on the tippity-taps of my fingers ... i hear drip-drops ... outside.
which is most assuredly a sign of spring. in the-very-near future.

and the refrigerator hums. quietly.

and occasionally i hear a snore from the dog or the padding of pawsteps against the wood flooring from a cat.

or a sleepy sigh from a baby asleep. thankfully. asleep. and probably for not too much longer asleep.

so i should really go listen to all of those things from the comfort of my quilts and my bed snuggled against my pillow. before i hear the cry of a baby in the middle of the night asking for mama. or bay-bee (which means blankie).

so ... good night.

big wide mouthed frog.

2011-03-06T13:27:00.000-06:00

have you ever seen this book?

so cute.

it's always been one of my favorites.

it's about a little frog with a big mouth that runs around asking animals who they are and asks what they eat.

he's kind of a little dude with a big self esteem.

plus i love the pictures.
(what's up with me and writing about pictures in kids books so much lately?)
and i love the australian animals that he meets.

especially this emu.

... and in the end there's a twist and turn you just won't expect.

and all of this just to say ... i'm sick of talking about myself. and i feel kinda like the frog. and i want to know more about you.

so ...
who are you?

i never said my middle name was cohesive.

2011-02-26T00:18:00.000-06:00

it's liv.

and there's a whole'nother story about that ...

that we'll get to ...

eventually, i'm sure.

but for now?

there are things in my brain that are a'knocking.

mind if i do a little mind spill for a bit?

my amazingly talented friend (gosh it's nice to have such amazingly talented friends ...)

KNIT these overalls.

like with her own two hands, knit these ... OVERALLS.

i die.

i may ask her to knit him a new pair every single year of his life so that even when he's 23 and (kinda) all growed up (yet still my baby ... of course) ... he can still wear them.

because i love them so...

(and if you ever see a grown up 23 year old man wearing similarly knit overalls ... tell him to tell his mama hi. but please don't laugh at him.)

so ... i relished my thursday off yesterday ...

sat in my chair and drank my coffee.

sent stellers out the door to school - even though the mama side of me just wanted to keep her all home and cuddled up with us ...

and watched this.

these two little lives are unfolding. and growing. and it's pretty damn amazing catching glimpses of them playing quietly with their little people and animals and reading books amidst nests of blankets.

alternately titled ...

and then there's this whole new ballgame around our house ...

it's truly a boy phenomenon. he knows instinctively what to do with them. jeremy's old matchbox cars were dusted off and now vroom and roll across the floor powered by finn's sweet pudgy little hands.

and within minutes everyone is piled upon my lap ...

(i love the art in pinkalicious books. i want to live in a pinkalicious book.)

there is so much beauty in this world of mine.

though sometimes i forget to look for it.

putting my camera back in my hands to capture MY family moments helps me to rediscover it though ...

like this.

i need to remember moments like these.

like when cora at age three and a half is bound and determined to dress herself. without help. all by myself. watch me mama. i can do it all by myself! i can pick out my clothes and i can do it! i bet i can do it before you count to thirty-forty!

dude ... it totally matches.

it all has ...

cats and florals.

and i can remember ...

that funny little curl that rises off the boy's head after a snooze.

auntie lulu calls it the mullet.

it's getting a little mullet-ish.

but still cute.

and then we went out and did something ... though i can scarcely remember what because it probably involved just plain getting out of the house for some reason or another ...

and then we came home and spent the next few minutes ...

for the bus.

and big sister stella ... of course ...

what HE sees ...

what SHE sees ...

now that's love.

please tell me i wasn't the only parent ill-prepared for "superhero" day.

2011-02-18T23:37:00.001-06:00

i was going to outline for you ... everything that happened prior to me realizing one hour before the bus came that it was superhero day ...

but i won't.

because it involves a lot of crabby mommy and early wake ups and coffee.

instead ... i would just like to note ... that because i was able to throw together a superhero cape in less than one hour, on no sleep, with three wide awake children that ate breakfast AND got ready ...

i am officially the only superhero in the family.

though only the one that was going to school got a cape.

because godforbid you don't have a cape for superhero day.

even if mommy really only had good satiny cape material in purple.

purple ... just. won't. do.

super stella?

wears pink. only. pink.

this is how a superhero brushes her teeth while her supermommy takes pictures with her supercamera.

this is how a superhero spits.

note the raised left leg at an (almost) perfect 90 degree angle.

note the brother eyeing the hairbands and hair ~~paraphenelia~~ ~~paraphernelia~~ crap

that he pulled out of the drawer.

and i'm totally recommending a princess day next.

because i could pull that off in a mere minute flat.

away.

2011-02-16T15:46:00.000-06:00

i hugged and i kissed three little souls and one big one and then i said goodbye. and then i remembered that i forgot something and i hugged and i kissed three little people and one big one and then i said goodbye again.
and then someone started crying about being tired and not feeling good and just wanting mommy TOSTAYHOMEWITHME ... NONOTDADDY ... IWANTMOMMY ... {sobsobsobsobsob} ...

and my heart broke a little.

and then a little munchkin waddled to the door as quick as can be and stood reaching for ~~the moon~~ the doorhandle with all of his might eagerly watching to see if i would grab his coat and his shoes and bundle him up for a car ride and take him with me. and i reallyreallyREALLY wanted to.

but i didn't.

and my husband (god i love him) scooped up the babes and hugged on the middle and said "i can't believe you are leaving me here ... with this." in a teasing sort of way as he sing-songingly bribed the kids into watching mommy and waving to mommy out the window ...

and i walked out.
purposefully not locking the door behind me.
because that felt like a finality that i just wasn't ready for this morning.

and i heard a click.

so i was locked out anyways.
well ... as locked out as you can be whilst holding a key.

and i trudged to the truck.
and turned the key.
and backed out of the driveway.
and pulled forward infront of the house.
and descended the window.
and waved frantically at my littles. my hearts.
and signed i love you to my husband. my love.
and i closed the window.
and kept on driving.
and slid around the freaking icy corner (damn rearwheeldrive).
and went away.

and it's awesome and it's beautiful and it's heart-heavy and it's frustrating and it's only 8 hours and it's a blip and they are loved when they are not with me and i know that and i know this is good and i know this is a must and i know that it's what some people dream of and i know that i'm doing something good for people and i know that ... but sometimes i just have to tell myself ...

right?

and i also know that it's just really really hard for me somedays ... and so i just felt compelled to tell you all of that.
thanks for listening.

insert witty title here.

2011-02-13T23:37:00.000-06:00

i sit here with fingers itching to write.
about what?
i'm just not sure.
but i feel an itch.

that restlessness in myself grows at times. it's there pulsing beneath my surface. wanting to say something. and yet i'm really struggling right about now with the what to say and the is it really important and does anyone really care anyways. and the ... worry.
and then, sometimes it quiets and rests gently while i go about doing what i do. everyday. not knocking or barging it's way out of myself.

it reminds me of the seasons, i'd guess. as someone that is hyperaware of living in a space that has such a distinction between seasons. i think i'm thankful for that. i was when i lived somewhere that didn't. though THIS season is really taking a toll on me.
i'm rather certain that there is beautiful blades of green grass somewhere beneath the gigantuous piles of white that cover my world.

and i'm feeling this need to write. and to explore. and to get us the hell out of the house.

and so i am (trying). and we are (trying). and we did.

today was a day of epic warmth. that will likely be bundled between days of freezing cold.
the type of weather that brings neighbors out of their houses and causes people to stop and talk in the street amidst the walking of the dogs, rather than bundled to their noses and quickly marching to their (warm) destinations. and in desperate search for some vitamin d ... we ventured out to a minneapolis landmark. and i purposely left the coats in the car and i brought my camera and my mom.

and then cora started in with the three year old whining ...
and so my mom (thank you mooma) returned to the car to grab her coat.
which ceased some of the whineyness.

i said some.

and inside the greenhouses ... we saw green.
lovely lovely lovely green.
i've missed green.

like, really really missed green.

it's amazing how when you don't see something for quite some time. that when you finally do ... you really see it.

i really think i really like to really use the word really.

did you see all the green?

i also happen to see a lot of this lately.

the boy.

walking AWAY from me.

and the minneapolis landmark i told you about.

and what we came for.

no. not the cherry in the spoon.

what we came for ... that blue sky.

that beautiful blue ocean of a sky that i ~~don't think we've~~ haven't seen enough of lately. and when we have seen it ... it's been so flipping cold out that you didn't want to stand beneath it.

today, though? i wanted to swim in that sky. i wanted to soak up the sun and be surrounded by the blueness. i couldn't help but kneel upon the ground to let that sky into all of my pictures.

except for this one. in which you can see the two distinct personalities of my girly-girls and two men that i do not know.
(sorry men that i do not know for this is not a very flattering picture of either of you.)
and you can also see my mom that is apparently ignoring the sign that stella read that said "DO NOT CLIMB ON THE SPOON WITH A CHERRY THINGY"
or she was just really glad that cora had moved her whiny away from her for a minute.
have i mentioned the whiny?

and the kids got to "swing" on the art. which felt a lot more like swinging when you haven't swung in quite some time.

see that smile?

god, i miss that smile.

oh hello sun.

it's been awhile.

i've missed you too.

(and just for the record - i've deleted the pictures of finners screaming to get back to the swing and of cora - my daredevil - hanging onto the wires for dear life. you're welcome.)

a minnesota boy. for sure.

blonde haired.

blue eyed.

eating snow.

in no coat.

in february.

posed in front of a minneapolis landmark.

the cute kinda kills me.

i wish there was a nice way to end this.

a pretty little final phrase or sentence or story ... that would put this random stream of conciousness into a nice neat little blog post. something that you could walk away with and feel like you actually gained something from coming here.

instead.

i'm just going to say good night.

because it's late. and i'm tired out from a very colorful day with old friends.

thank you sky and sun and warm. you've been missed.

i heart hearts. (and faces too, of course)

2011-02-07T22:54:00.001-06:00

so. you know how sometimes you get a spark?
that spark in your imagination that goes tumbling into overdrive as you are lying in bed. awake. (of course). because why would someone that never gets to sleep actually fall asleep when they are given the opporunity?
and then that spark ignites an idea that you just. can't. shake.
and you work at that idea until it actually comes into fruition ...

or maybe it's just me??
please tell me it's not just me.

so yeah.
this is one of those sparks.

it all started with finn's birthday. and the spark that ignited needing to put him into a vw bus (the theme of his nursery) ... and not being able to find a vw bus to take a picture of ... and realizing that i could kindasorta draw a vw bus. so i did. and i put him in it. and it makes me smile everytime i see it. on my piano. (because doesn't everyone have a framed picture of their one year old baby driving a vw bus on their piano?)

and then i heard that i {heart} faces was going to be having a theme of hearts this week.

and i envisioned living somewhere warm.
i really really REALLY envisioned living somewhere warm.
(like checked out real estate in warmer places envisioned living somewhere warm).
and i dreamed of hanging woolen hearts from a tree and had the children picking sweethearts and the grass is green and the trees have leaves and it's warm enough to not be wearing a gajillion layers of clothing...

and then the weather hit no degrees. again. and it was freezing butt cold outside and i didn't want to even kinda bundle my kids up if i didn't HAVE to.

and so i went to bed.

and there was a spark.

this was my spark.
it didn't turn out exactly how i had planned. but it's semi-close.
and dude?
it's fun.
and the kids think it's fabulous that they are picking sweethearts out of a tree.
and it makes me smile.

and that's kind of what photography, and art in general, are all about ... right?

check out i {heart} faces for more ... probably much more photograpically beautiful faces. and hearts. of course.

a favorite january face.

2011-01-31T17:01:00.001-06:00

so. usually i enter my personal photos over at i {heart} faces. but my most absolute favorite face photo this month belongs to a brand new baby boy that i was honored to photograph ...

i cannot believe that people give me this privilage to meet their brandnew teeny tiny babies and spend a few hours with their brandnew family and that they then feel that my "art" is then ok enough to adorn their walls ...

pinch me. someone.

this little face is one of my favorites from the session.
i'm not sure why. maybe because it's a glimpse of that newborn little baby hairs.
(if you have children. you know what i mean. the hair that you refuse to cut because it is so unbelieveably ... soft. which feels like such an inadequate word for the softness ...)

or is it the most absolute calm of babyness.
that sleepy.
perfectly still. quiet. calm.

scrunchied-up. baby face.

collective sigh.

want to see a few more images from this session?
(cute baby alert)
http://www.jenniferlivphotography.com/

one year.

2011-01-26T09:02:00.001-06:00

oh finn.
one year already.
really?

it just doesn't seem possible that you have been in my arms for an entire year now.
and out of my arms and in my arms and out of my arms and in my arms and out of my arms and in my arms.
(you've become a bit of a mover and a shaker.)

and a walker.
and a climber.
and a talker.
and a crazy crawl towards the dog dish and stick your hands in as quick as you can before mom notices-er.
my finner.

finner. finners. finnamon. finny. baby boy blue. baby blue. blue.

we all love you so. sosososososoSO much.

thank you for choosing us to be your family.

even if i do draw crazy pictures of you driving a vw bus ...

and now. like i do for all my babies.
on your first birthday ...

here is the one (and you have no idea how hard it is to narrow down to just one) thing i love the most about you. right now. at this very second.

your cuddles.

i love how you crawl crazily across the floor to simply lay your head in my lap. or how you grab your most favoriteist blankie and pull it along in order to snuggle. or how you just lean in for hugs and kisses. whenever possible.

i love you finners.
to the moon.
and back.

happy one year, little boy.

read my first letter to finn here.
finn's arrival here.
and his birth story here.

my cora ... wonder in her eyes.

2011-01-25T19:49:00.000-06:00

over at i {heart} faces this week they are looking for images of innocent wonder.

such a simple picture of my cora.
completely in awe of sand falling through her fingers at the beach.

innocent wonder.

check out i heart faces for more beautiful entries!

luck.

2011-01-18T22:42:00.000-06:00

could someone please tell me how i got this lucky?

(collage courtesy of http://www.evermorephotography.net/)
find it ... HERE.

winter wonderland @ i {heart} faces.

2011-01-17T15:46:00.000-06:00

brrrr.
it's flipping cold outside. and i just don't feel like going out there. and the baby is napping.

we live in minnesota. winter wonderland should not be a problem.
you would assume that we could enter the winter wonderland i {heart} faces contest this week.

so.

indoor sledding it is.

the girls thought i was a bit crazy cakes.
but fun.

and we didn't even have to put our boots on.

visit more winter wonderland at i {heart} faces ...

i never dreamt of you.

2011-01-16T21:51:00.000-06:00

i never dreamt of you.
and i feel guilty when i think about that.
i had my girls.
i had my two children.

when i found out that you were nestled within me, i dreamt of adding another bit of pink to the house.
when i found out about you ... i cried.

sobbed, actually.

my heart wiped away those tears the moment you were born.

and then i turned thirtyfour.

2011-01-09T22:48:00.000-06:00

there's beauty in the days.
the monotonous. the continuous. the noisy-ness.

i realize there's also a certain beauty in doing the unknown. the unexpected. the unloud.

but those options are rarely available to me.
and i'm ok with that.
most days.
because i'm kind of a homebody. a someone that doesn't take risks. i like knowing what is going to occur.
even if it's something that i'm fairly certain will not be the highlight of my day.
like bedtime. for instance.

in the days leading up to my thirtyfour. i managed to go out. by myself (sorta) to a movie. a movie that i would have never chosen to see in a milliongazillion years on my own. (mostly because i don't like the unexpecteds of a thriller-ish movie) and then i went out to dinner. and drank a beer. and i managed to get carded - which i'm fairly certain was just some higherups way of reminding me to go and get my license renewed the next day.

and then the day before my birthday i wrangled two children at the dmv. and then proceeded to a friend's house while we drank coffee and listened to the children play. (and watched finn. because my dear boy would. not. take. a. nap.)

and then my birthday came. and i turned

and there was no big todo. no party streamers. no party hats.

finn kicked the morning off with a big heart smile when he sing-songingly copied my morning "i love you" with

which sounds an awful lot like "i love you" from a soon-to-be one year old.

and in this thirty fourth year of mine ... i plan to try to let go of the little things. because they aren't so big after all. and i started that by letting the kiddos dress themselves. stella pretty much could be found in a gold princess dress. all day. and well cora?

why yes. that is a red "look out santa - here comes grandma" shirt with red pants and a turquoise and lime green tutu with a periwinkle and purple sweater

(complete with flowers) topped off with a flowered hat.

dude. flowers and flowers totally match.

there was one surprise. for my gift ... stella decided ...

and she scared the bejeezus outta me when she popped out of the box.

my mom and sister gave me the gift of a homecooked meal. and cleaned up dishes afterwards.

apparently cora had her mind set to buy me a cup. and jeremy and the crew were pulled through several stores before finding the perfect little cup for mommy.

it really IS a nice cup.

and that really was a nice birthday ...

(one year for my birthday i asked MY mom to write my birth story ... it's very sweet if i do say so myself. click-here to read it.)

i heart faces ... my favorite face of 2010.

2011-01-04T00:25:00.000-06:00

do you know just how long i searched through images upon images to find my most favorite-ist face of 2010. i mean ... dude. all of 2010. in which i got my hands on a brand new camera AND a new baby.

i mean ...

a new baby AND a new camera.

whatever.

and through all of that ... i think my most favorite face is finners. sick. like 2 weeks ago.

and so ... his face appears on the blog so quickly after i just posted it ...

though ... quite honestly ... if i wasn't such a sucky blogger ...

there would have been at least 10 posts between then and now.

so ... it's like i'm actually giving you the present of time.

because you don't have to waste time reading it all over again.

and oogling over the cute sight of my dear finners all over again.

you're welcome.

and now.

because i saved you so much time ...

you should head on over here

and check out all the other amazing faces of 2010.

two thousand eleven

2011-01-02T12:09:00.000-06:00

i meant to post this yesterday. but. um. life. got in the way.
in a good way. but in the way.
which i guess what this blog is all about huh?

did you notice that big break there between december 14 and december 31?
you probably didn't.
it was bigger in my life, than yours i would presume.

during that break i wrote several dear john letters to my blog.
in my head.
not because i don't like coming here.
and mostdefinitely not because i don't need the writing space.
but most probably because of time.

it's not you.
it's me.
you see ... i have this list of "things i need to do" that is filled with the things that i need to do quite simply. and i want 2011 to be a year that completes some of these things. for example.

i have these kids books in my head that need to be written at some point. three of them, mind you. gah. and they really are good. i just have no idea what to do with them. like how to get them out of here {pointing at head} and out there {pointing to you}.

i want to travel somewhere new and exciting. at least long enough to realize that i want to come back here.

i want finn to stop eating shoes. (may be accomplished by the end of today. probably not though.)

i want to love my home. and not wish for something bigger.

i want to spend more time with my kids doing the things that my kids want to do.

i want to chronicle our life in two thousand eleven. in a book. for my kids.

and so i'm starting there.
(and i promise not to subject you all to each and every of the three hundred and sixty - five pictures. maybe.).
our new two thousand eleven. our life. in pictures. and a few words.

and i think it's best to start with a view of our life as we ventured into this new year. complete with a yum dinner made by my dad and a fire in the fireplace. and my favorite view of the night ... finners loving on the pup. in front of the fire.

and then we were all. i mean ALL. asleep by 10:30 ish. and heard fireworks exploding at. oh. say. about midnight. when i woke up like an old grump and wished jeremy a happy new year before running to the windows to try and figure out which neighbor was keeping me awake. turns out it was probably a city thing. because they went on FOREVER. while i laid in bed cursing the noise and potential wake-up-baby factors.

and then we awoke to a day of couch shopping.

which takes me to my first picture of two thousand eleven.

myloves. on my new couch.

this?

is my life.

and i'm so in love with it. and them. and him. though he isn't in the picture because after a full fourteen days at home - he had to return to work.

(and believe it or not. i actually didn't want him to leave in that entire time period. except for that one moment that occurred in the first 2 days when i told him i wanted him to just leave because i didn't like him at that moment. but we made it through. and i miss him now that he's gone.)

what's on your must-do list this year?

the obligatory last post of 2010.

2010-12-31T15:26:00.000-06:00

words fail me.

it's amazing what a difference a year can make in the life of a mama. i thought i understood it with the first two. i finally am starting to understand it with the last.

last year at this time. (my belly.)

this year at this time. (i still have a belly. but i also have my baby boy.)

wow. we're teetering on the edge of one.

as i drove home this afternoon from another baby belly that i have blessed to be able to photograph ... i realize that this year has given me more than i have ever asked for or thought i deserved.

thank you for being here with me and reading these little tidbits of my life and encouraging me in more ways than you will ever know.

have a blessed new year.

once upon a time i told my husband that it wasn't a problem if he picked up those extra few days of work.

2010-12-17T15:17:00.002-06:00

and now?

totally regretting giving the go-ahead for that one.

because looky here.

if the sheer amount of medicinal cups and syringes isn't enough to give you clear indication of the last few days ... then here's some more proof.

yes dear ... those are popsicles on the couch. i only wish i could have peeled the children off of the couch in order to have fed them popsicles at the table where they belonged.

this picture was taken before the advil wore off.

poor girl ... this is what she looked like 30 minutes later.

if she hadn't been quite so cranky and ornery and whiny ... i might just agree that there is a certain amount of angelic cuteness there too.

this is what prompted the camera-coming-out-while-children-are-sick moments.
because dude. those eyes. and that shirt. and the color of the popsicle ...
you would have thought i planned it.

but i couldn't have because ... i should note ... every single one of us is sick.

(and totally NOT able to plan the coordination of said clothing and popsicles.)
like fevery. shakey. achey. sneezy. crabby. sleepy. whiny. and drugged.

it's like the winter version of the seven dwarves.

there is one certain someone that seems to be enjoying it though ...

for my next life ... i totally choose cat.

i might live in the land of the mall of america. but i don't enjoy it.

2010-12-06T23:05:00.001-06:00

have i ever told you about that time that i HATE SHOPPING?

and then my mom put my 3 year old in the stroller ...
and took the 6 year old by the hand ...
and handed me the 80 thousand pound baby.

because i needed to go and look in a scrapbooking store for some ridiculously overpriced tag things to make up some ~~stupid crazy i'm totally kind of regretting it~~ story about an elf that lives in our house.

and she said.
in her sweet mom voice.
we'll be right here.

and then i come out of the store about 2.2 seconds later because i couldn't even find the tag thing that i had in mind and she ... and my can-actually-both-walk children are with her.

and i'm left holding the 90 thousand pound baby. and i don't have my sling. because it's on the stroller that she's going to be right here with ...

and then the baby gets hungry and i have no b00b pads or blankets or anything to cover myself up with and i'm in the middle of the mall DURING CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SEASON ON A SATURDAY and none of the stupid men will give me their comfy seats that they are lazily sitting on while reading their dumb books that aren't even written on paper anymore ...

and so i have to sit on a creaky chair at a wobbly table IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL SO THAT MY MOM CAN FIND ME ... feeding a baby that looks big enough to be three. while gazillions of people walk past giving me that look. and the baby is whacking his foot over and over and over and over and over against the wobbly table. so that it creaks and squeaks. over and over and over and over and over and over.

and then three teenage boys sit down at a table just a bit away and start talking about sex and girls and periods and circumcisions and their moms finding out that they are having sex with girls with periods. and i'm totally grossed out and i just want to kind of maybe walk over to their table and let them know in all of my infinite wisdom that usually the boys that talk the most about sex are the ones getting the least of it. but i don't.

i just stare into my baby's eyes and whisper things like ...
you won't ever do that to me, will you?
and
please never have sex until you are 33.
and
i hope you learn that girls are to always and forever be respected.
and
please don't get distracted and look away from me because i really don't want to have a pdb (public display of b00b).
and
where the hell is your grandma?

and then i walk around trying to find her.

and then the baby gets hungry. again. and the only open seat is the one i left and the boys are still there.
still talking about stupid things i don't want to hear.

and then i finally give up. and i walk around with the 100thousand pound baby that is screaming to be put down.

and find my mom. and my girls. FORTYFIVE MINUTES LATER.

and she says, i've been calling you.
and i ask, on the phone that is in the stroller?
and i look and the phone has vibrated a minimum of 8 times.
and she didn't notice it?

oh to the no. with an extra helping of ho ho ho.

so i leave the mall. with a super sour taste for christmas shopping in my mouth.

looks like you'll be getting a handmade (with love!) christmas present this year, mom. i've always wanted to learn how to make a life sized santa out of recycled wine bottles and glitter.

teething. and all that other mommyblogger kinda stuff.

2010-12-06T23:00:00.001-06:00

oh holy night.
so ... i'm kinda wondering ... is this whole teething cannot stop wailing and wanting to be held ... a boy-thing?

my girls had several teeth pop up in their mouths without. me. noticing.

but this boy?
apparently i will be blessed with the knowledge of every tooth until it finally makes it's grand appearance.

is this similar to the old men are from mars / women are from venus comparison ...
wherein ...
mommy has a cold. but can still manage to do the dishes. wake at 4:30 am. watch the children. birth a baby. write birth announcements. bake cookies for a bakesale to raise monies for world peace. craft christmas ornaments out of acorns and pinecones that she hand picked in vermont. and save baby kittens. ON THE SAME DAY.

whereas ...
daddy has a cold. and must stay in bed. moaning for someone to rub his feet. ON THE SAME DAY.

why hello there mr. snaggletooth. you sure are superty cute.

or is that just me?

i was lamenting about this to another mother ... a so-called copycat that has managed to have all the same sexes of children approximately 1-3 months AFTER my childrens were born. all of which have the most superb of names. seriously. i wish i could share them with you. (her children. not mine. though i'm kinda partial to my children's names too.)

off topic, much?

anyhoo. yes. and she mentioned her middle child (girl ... obviously ... if you've kept up at all.) got some crazy number like 7. read that ... SEVEN ... teeth in one weekend. and she didn't. even. notice. because she is a girl. and we can endure crazy amounts of pain. and then decide a few years later ... to do it again. because it was fun.

fun.

if that's what you call childbirth and then staying awake for the next approximately 18 years.

so. yeah. where was i going with this?

who knows at this point. we best just look at another picture of the cute bubbers, shall we?

i promise to stay awake for the next forever if he promises to always look at me with that much happy on his face.

oh and for the record. the biting fiasco of 2010 is already over. a mere 2 days after it began. i'm like a no biting the b00b expert. and for just $9.99 ... i'll send you my secret to success. then you can be an expert too!